tonight, my heart is foundering
but i can't let you see me floundering
because god forbid i show weakness
or ever be any kind of vulnerable
so i isolate myself in silence
and try to become more artful
in the lies i tell to convince you i'm fine
while i try to drown my sorrows in whiskey or wine
and numb all this pain whose source i can't fathom
all the while holding out hope that i might become
someone who is worth it
all this

this fighting and struggling just to make it one more day
this going from doing just fine to aggressively not okay
without warning or reason or trigger
and i know the root cause must be something bigger
than just the **** in my head, but somehow i can't figure
out what it is that causes me
to be like this, i just can't seem to see
what it is that this hole in my heart needs
what would make me feel complete and stop this bleed
of emotions and tears and words onto tear-stained pages
while i write down what has become my lament for ages

why
the ****
am i like this