I'm going on a date
with a man I met online.
We've agreed to short term,
ending with some ***.
Promises of milestones,
talking of consent,
with one purpose: virginity to lose.
The timing we will choose
to do the big event.
We will work out the hormones
and in the very end, be another ex.
This truth we both hold firm.
We hope the last night will be divine
as we end up being just a playmate.

Fading scars are the scariest ones.
Meaning held in little lines.

I'm getting better
I don't even care
I'm proud of what I've been through
I'm letting depression take over
I want to show my past
I'm giving up
I'm getting stronger
People can think the worst of me

These thoughts come from the babies.
The white on tan skin.

Growing scars are the scariest ones.
Meaning held in scarred skin.

I've been through so much and won
No one can save me
I'm putting trust in you
Days can't protect me
I'm trusting myself
I hate myself

Grown up scars scream at me.
The puffing purple lines.

Every scar on my body tells stories.
Of the hatred I have felt.
Of the love I crave.

Healing scars telling me of the change.
But they do not tell how.

Okay, Cupid
shoot that arrow
into the abyss
of the internet.
Find that boy
who finds my faults
and wills them
to the conversations.

Okay, Cupid
tie the rope
and connect the two
people who feel alone.
Shoot another arrow
and aim it towards my heart
connect me and another
to start the conversation.

Okay, Cupid
find the boy
to meet this girl
and start the romance.

Let me tell a story
about the fox on my wall.
Lighting up my words
and following my movements.
Whispering happy thoughts
about meetings and love.
Shaking out his bushy tail
to comfort me in anxiety.
He comes to life at night
when I need him most.
He sleeps during the day
when I am gone.
At least I think he sleeps
The little fox keeps me company
when I just want to be alone.
He smiles when I cry
and cries when I'm in pain.
The fox is my friend
who knows what I need.

**And he's a ******* nightlight.

There's never anything wrong.
Which really is not a problem.
Until the time you realize
that breathing is important.
But doctors and nurses say the same,
"Your tests are all normal. You can leave."
That's great to hear
but you aren't listening to me.
I am not okay
and just because the tests say otherwise,
I am not better.
It hurts to breathe,
my chest is tight,
there's pain from sternum to back.
But the tests are negative
so it must be in my head.

Go home little girl.
There's nothing wrong here.
So with tears I leave
because once again
I've been shown
that I am not important.