I sing better when I hurt
                 when I hurt
                              when I hurt
When I think of you
                   you
                          you

I can't love with you on my mind
I can't live with you on my mind
I've lost my mind
All the contents spilled out
I'm scrounging for the pieces that
I can't be myself without

I want you but you're poisonous

Empty and drained
from the effort put forth
From watching  it wash down
like an ocean sand fort

Let's head north
where memories freeze
like my tears from the breeze,
smelling of old pine trees

...please,
leave

Because I surely can't
I don't possess the strength

your love is like a tidal wave,
it comes crashing down
and leaves me gasping for air.
your brown eyes are anything
but full of **** to me.
i worry late at night, wondering if you are capable of grasping the same intense connection
i have with small beauties.
your eyes like ember
and your hair like ash...
does your heart, too, burn?
can you feel it?
can i make you my soul mate?
would you like to stay forever maybe?
or at least until
i make you want to *****.
and if i start to make you sick
i hope it makes you immune
to other kinds of toxic.
i'm not saying i'm perfect,
but let me just say this...
i'm really good at
not taking up the whole bed.
okay...that's sort of a lie...
but my bones ache a different thought.
yes, my bones tell me to let them show.
my bones tell me it's control.
my bones tell me only 1200 a day.
my bones tell me if i don't eat you'll stay forever.
my bones tell me everything will be ok even if you don't.
my bones my bones my bones.
...but my heart.
what about it?
it tells me i'm smoking too much, but i think it's lying because it only goes up when you enter a room.
my heart tells me to stay alive.
my heart tells me to stick around
for you.

antisocial, had-potential young adult
who dreams of a mind without fear.
she has a weightless body
yet doesn't see the bones.

she wants to connect
with all whom she loves,
but her emotions are backwards.
she is backwards.

for every bone on her body,
there is fat.
for every man who loves her,
she puts her arms lengths away.
for every tear that is shed,
she sheds again every day.

she is backwards
and tries to walk straight.
she is upside down
and tries to think straight.

what will the girl do?
who is the girl?
can the girl do wrong right?
can backwards be her straight?

Depression gets so old...
Swallowed whole...I have a disease that has no cure...No relief, no control...I wonder if I'll die this way...alone, alone.

I remember the little red airplane swing outside on the left side of the rickety old country farm house.
You would push me really high when I was little girl after waiting all day with Pepper, the schnauzer.
I remember stealing your kisses to my grandma and telling you she's all mine. I used to be too shy to say I love you, but my smile made you know that I did.
You were everything to me.
You were my dad.
I loved you more than I let you know.
We grew older, you way ahead of me...but we were still so close, always connected by souls. Life has a way to keep young ones so busy...
You got sicker and sicker.
I got used to it.
I just never thought you'd be gone because a part of that child in me believed you were invincible. You were so strong. But..you're human.
I love you, Larry Troy Kester.
I'm too young to lose my dad...
My grand dad...
My dad.

how i lived before
not knowing you
baffles me.
because you are the world
i never knew
i dreamed of.
you are the love
i never thought i'd feel.
you are the most
beautiful person
i never thought i'd meet.
i am the luckiest girl alive.

dashing charm
couldn't stop the harm
i was going to cause
to you

I wish you knew.
O, how I wish you knew.
Everything I do.
Everything I do is for
you.

I wish I could say it,
scream it to the stars.
I'm sorry,
sometimes I just can't find the
words.

You're tattooed to my brain,
a permanent mark
on my heart.

Much woe
for the foes
I encounter,
I know
it is not I
who causes deep tragedy
that feeds the hatred  
coursing through their veins
poverty of heart
The withering shoes
on their dusty feet
They tell me a tale
of repetitive misfortune
Succumbed to the nature
of hurtful thoughts
Will they ever want to stop
and walk a new direction?

you say i'm running away

but...

it's just the momentum from you pushing

My life has been turned upside down!
It's like I never had depression to begin with.
Please, if you are struggling with depression, anxiety and thoughts of suicide and feel like there is no way out...seek help...it's totally worth it.
I used to be against medication but I had a chemical issue in my brain and I was going to end my life. I told myself this was my last resort and if it didn't work I was going to die.
I am so glad I seeked help.
There is hope.

my mind, that was once confined in bars made of sad memories,
has been liberated by a new perspective on life.
a life, that was once fed by constant self-sabotage, has been taught to walk around the ring of fire.

I find peace and solitude
when my thoughts have simmered
after spending a long week
learning truths of myself.
Yet, a void still lies within
the crevice of my soul
oozing out
in the better parts of me.
When he looks at me
he tells me he sees
innocence, kindness and beauty.
He never saw
my mangled body
or all my bloodshed.
He never met
the warrior,
the fool.

In my world,
I speak up and know how to articulate my emotions. I can take the bull by the horns, remove it's horns and become the bull.
In my world,
there is no crying over boys. No wondering if I'm enough. His eyes do not shift away. We tell each other I love you and mean it without desperation.
In my world,
I am confident and my thoughts are my own. I am resilient to crafty hands. I am who I want to be.
But this isn't my world.
My lips pursed, I have no throat to transfer words. You don't know how I feel or why I cry. I don't think you care. I don't think you love me. How could you love some one who doesn't love themself.

Good to no longer be an addict,
see things through...
The only thing I wanna be
addicted to is
you.

I'm finished with man-made chemicals,
I just want home-grown
you.

Fill my lungs
with your breathes.
Pump my heart
with your "I love you's."

blows
my mind
how i've
stayed
alive,
because
i wasn't
aware
my world
wasn't there
until
i
    met
             you.

when i was a little girl
my mother told me there were
monsters,
under the bed.

no, mother,
can't you see?
they are in my head.

Have you ever sat on a chair in a room?

Have you ever sunk deep inside yourself and drowned in your own emotions?

Have you ever caught yourself picking the fabric of that chair as you yell and scream at the one you say you love?

Have you ever felt like the objects in that room vanished along with your body?

*Yeah...

I wish my mother could
love herself
so she could could
love me,
so I could
love myself
and I could show you
how much
I love you.
But I do love you.
Unlike she loves me.

i love my little, simple life
i feel nothing but gratitude
i love the conversations i experience
i love being aware of touch, smell and taste
i love hearing a new favorite song
i love the animals i encounter
i love connecting with hearts
i love a good cry
i love that we die
i love that we speak languages
i love that we are a beautiful mess
i love that i am a soul
i love that i have a body
i love that art exists
i love that everything feels dreamy
i love that i can love
i love my little, simple life*
i feel nothing but gratitude

this feeling is my familiar,
it’s rooted in life.
cocooned inside of it,
i am it’s prisoner.
a paradox, a willing disbelief
that hardens and worsens the ability to breathe.
i fight and i don’t feel any difference,
i can’t see any change.
i rinse, repeat
and the only growth i seem to feel is the growth of lost hope.
but one day
the cocoon becomes so tight
and dehydrated around my body.
you can make out my silhouette.
it cracks and i see a light.
come to find
despite darkness the entire time…
nearing the end…
i have metamorphosed.
learning that sometimes you don’t know how much you’ve evolved until you have completely gone THROUGH the loneliest time of your life.
now I have a strange appreciation
for the darkness,
because i have learned more in that time-frame than any other point in life.
i am lucky to be someone who can grow in those moments…some never will.

the fragility of my mind
renounces it's place,
takes me with a roar,
after a bad night: long overdue.

my skin feels unfamiliar
and the air feels thick.
my body shutters
at it's own mere existence.

everything that once was,
in a second,
isn't.

I can't stop pacing
around the kitchen and
into my room, back and forth.
It's taking everything I have
to not start using again.
Feeling the aches of my heart
and the strain on my sanity...
I just want to touch you
one more time
then rewind
and press play
for the rest of my life.
Literally, the rest of my life.

All you need
To become viral
Is the ability
To know when to
Document via camera

I fell in love
with your face and picture.
When I first saw you,
I didn't know what to do.

When I saw you,
in person, too.
I never knew
how much I'd fall for you.

Now, I'm really scared.
I don't know what to do.
Please excuse me,
please don't be afraid of me.

I swear I'm safe,
and I will try my best to never hurt you.
I'll try my best to never, ever hurt you.
I won't do what the others did to you.

I can see it in your eyes,
you're just as scared as I feel
and I won't show it
but I know we both feel the same.

I don't know what to tell you,
I think I love you, too.
And I'm so scared that you don't see it.

What am I supposed to do?
I'm just a girl
I'm only 22.

But the world feels so old,
the world feels so cold,
and I feel so old.

I know I'm still so young,
but trust my tongue
when I say you are what I am thinking of.

Please don't mistake my words as new,
I know what you have been through.
I've been through it, too.

At least a thousand times before.

I'm picking out my teeth,
one by one.
Cavities from all that sweet,
sweet contin candy.
I need a special hell,
to make my medicine work.
Late nights mixed with
Brandy.

I'm back to square one,
running in circles.
I'm like a laundry mat
with all these cycles.
Just wring me out,
I'm better off
hanging.

I'll use you as a good time.
I'm just like
all the ***** guys.
I'll even put you in my rhyme,
if you remind me of
all my lies.

I've changed,
"you're just not the same."
All my ol' friends tend to say.
That's what happens
when you put
**** in your nose
e v e r y d a y.