I remember that moment,
The day passed and the sun has lost its shine
It was beautiful
I was there on the edge looking
Listening

And these thoughts
These thoughts
They become a path
They kiss and they join into one and turns into passing memories
That we listen to as we dance in the rain
While our hearts are in pain

I didn't jump yet
They killed me
They **** you
They **** us,
These thoughts

Do you ever hide away at home
Because daily living has a heavy toll
You see potential pain in every moment,
Every face,
In every pause and every lag
You are overcome by lurking sadness
It screams that you will never be
Who you dream to be
You pass the bridge and look down
You push aside the thoughts of pain,
For jumping off is what you refrain from
You have a plastered smile to keep you sane
But really, all it does is make you seem inane

I look into a twisted mirror,
I see the face of a contorted figure
I ask: "Who are you?"
But no answer is delivered
I'm just a mind plagued with the residue of trauma
Debilitating memories that make me shake and want to huddle in a ball
Tear the whole world apart with my ****** claws
Scream and create nonsensical havoc
Because I can't seem to compensate
For all the confusion that swims below in my subconscious
I need someone to hold me,
But I convince myself,
No one could love me and my demons
I have a reasoning mind but my heart is disconnected
If you knew my story you'd understand why my internal world is so hectic
And yet my lips are sealed
For I try to conceal
And perfect and attain
The life of my ideals
But on days like today
I feel so far away from joy
I sit, deformed, shaking on the floor
Not understanding anymore
Not understanding anymore.

My heart had become unplugged
For once I loved and loved and loved
But my love was taken for granted
Smashed on the floor and broken, ravaged
I sit here, dumb-founded and crying
Looking through the reel of memories in my mind
Trying to figure out at what point it all went wrong
But my life has been a series of painful experiences
Escapism was my way to quell the incessant shame
But an unplugged heart knows not how to receive
The relief and release of unconditional love
It's there for my taking
Delivered by Jesus
If I would just stretch out my hand and accept it,
I could live in His love, undaunted
I'm a child of God,
And I know this
It's time to plug my heart back in
And own it.

I can’t write this poem
I can’t write this poem because the last time I opened up to someone artistically they told me it was pretty dark and I should keep it to myself.

I can’t write this poem
I can’t write this poem because I was raised in a culture that was anti love and pro meaningless ***. I saw endless commercials about movies that glamorize a lifestyle in which your body is fulfilled but your heart is ignored and at that impressionable age I learned my heart came second but my allure came first and the less I cared that happier I would be and I carried that belief around with me the way I used to carry around a Bible as a child.

I can’t write this poem
I can’t write this poem because of the time that I opened my father’s phone to reveal a family secret I would hold to this day against my own moral instincts unraveling miles of insecurities wondering if I’m not a good enough daughter or if he stopped loving my mother or if true love was never real and although I had been taught marriage was my purpose, it was what I believed would make me happy, maybe rings aren’t enough to stay in love and maybe people’s feelings change and maybe no one actually has a “one true love” and that this purpose I had been taught was really an endless wild goose chase that only lead to broken families and lost souls.

I can’t write this poem
I can’t write this poem because sometimes I still wonder why I fell into an abyss of toxicity at such a young age. And when I say wonder I don’t mean a trivial ponder, I mean I contemplate every possible reason why the person who I once believed held the universe in her eyes would lie to my face, why she never kissed me in public and our love was always a secret, why she valued girls with blue hair but my blonde hair was not good enough, why I had to hide bruises from my family when I was still in high school or more importantly, why at the time, I thought I deserved them. These thoughts, this lingering paranoia that I am undeserving of healthy love, they muddy my interpretations of real life and distort reality and effect my relationships. My doctor would call these intrusive thoughts, my best friend would tell me they’re symptoms of PTSD, but I have come to realize that I’ve been burned and I am damaged and I hope to god I can recover.

But you,
Oh god, you
You can write this poem. You can be my safety net while I’m free falling in love. You can be the one to listen to my mental tilt-a-whirls, you can be the one that introduces my body and my heart, you can be the one that calms the storms in my mind when I’m questioning the love I’m deserving of. You are the one who makes sure I fall asleep in my bed after drunk nights, you are the one that still sees my value after acknowledging my flaws.
You can write this poem.

I question everything I
Did that day.

I go back over everything I
Said to anyone else.

I return to all the insecurities
And worries that I've had so long.

Before I sleep I start to wonder
Do I even know
Who I am?