I’m falling for you

I don’t want to

I’m scared

Scared you won’t love me

for who I really am.

I’m scared nobody would love the real me if they saw it.

That’s why i don’t tell anyone what goes through my head

You’ll probably be over a thousand miles away by August anyway.

Maybe this was my way of saving myself from future heartbreak

We don’t talk about it, but I feel an unspoken tension

Casual relationship…or so I thought

I didn’t want to be the first to drop the bomb

So I guess I jumped on the grenade and blew myself to pieces

Pieces you don’t want to put back together

Why would you want to?

I’m not your problem. I tell you that all the time.

I’m so self destructive

I’m used to treating myself like ****

And other people treating me like ****

I don’t think I knew what to do when you came along

and you were nice to me.

You never fought with me. Never criticized me

You didn’t exactly support everything I did, but you did no harm to my mentality that I wasn’t already doing to myself.

I didn’t know what to do with someone who actually liked me

Even if it wasn’t genuine (you say it was)

It was the most genuine I’ve felt in a while

I’m wearing your flannel. It’s the closest I can have to you tonight.

My pillow still smells like you. I have a love/hate relationship with that fact.

I’ll probably lay awake tonight, picturing your body

so beautifully laid out on your bed

As if it were a painting

Starting with your face..

each freckle drawn so particularly

almost specifically

to further my regret

to long for the accuracy that is

you

Your pupils… so precise. So large and meaningful

tell me exactly what you are afraid to

Your chest and arms

Sculpted as if they were made for my hands

to touch

to grab

to hold

to feel anything at all

Do you feel anything?

Your bedroom, with the lights off.. so we can only make out each other’s shapes and shadows

with the help of the moonlight

shining through your glorious front windows.

I love gazing out those windows.. watching your horses live.. so freely

Freely within the rules. But they don’t need to live outside the rules, they are committed to this fencing and this grass and these people

You promised you would take me to ride them some day. It’s okay.. I broke a promise too.

Smoking in a screened in porch
After lives have been divorced
Shaking thighs feel no remorse
Just let nature take its course

clear blue skies
clarity
i know what i want
two hearts beat parallel
stroll hand in hand
cherish the presence
the lurking feeling of visible love
they are delusional to think we aren't good together
naivety is not worn best by us
it is no longer fitting
a mutual understanding fits us much better
bold, open
we feel free

Yes this is my house, but this house is not a home,
i struggle to find my own among the ones who seem so whole,
i fear that ill never be half of whats asked of me
but who are they to preach about a life that they don't lead
if i ever taste defeat ill lick my lips and ill agree
that this time its mine and i know nothing comes for free
so shine like a dime, know it works itself out in time
as long as i keep sane in my mind i know that ill be fine
the biggest problem i can find is these bags under my eyes
heavy like i've been cryin, but im just high tryin
drinking fine wine in the sunshine for a lifetime
or maybe im just high daydreaming of when ill fly

If I give you closure will you finally let me close the door?
There's nothing much left to say, you can't ask for much more
Ducking all your phone calls like I am too busy for this
No longer in it to win, no longer looking for Vin
But you don't get that, you think it's about other men
Don't want to say it again, but it's not about other men
You put on a show like I was your world
And I'm doubtful that you'll ever know the weight of your words
But their breaking your shoulders
One more thing you just wish that you told her
Over and over
And you just wish you could hold her

when i told you my grandma was dying
you weren't a shoulder to cry on
you told me i can't be codependent
you said i had to deal on my own or it'd get messy

you thought i'd cause more harm, create more issues
i can't believe i ever ******* missed you

now when i think of you
i just smoke a bogie
this time is different
im done like kobe

I mentioned that I like my bedsheets white and ivory
I feel clean and pure
Tangled within them, we are pure
After a while you left,
splitting our passion down the middle and bringing half of it with you,     leaving me calm and satisfied
I lay here tonight, hours later, still disrobed
Still calm
Still satisfied
This bed, along with my hands..my hair..my inhales...
They sense only your scent
I am calm
I am satisfied

pick your poison and choose your battles
love yourself and ignore the *******
inhale the good and exhale the bad
this is a guide to get rid of the sad

when you open your eyes you have to smile
and know that the effort is always worth while
everything good takes some time
the dark has to show before the sun can shine
embrace the moonlight and you'll grow stronger
just trust that the sadness won't last much longer

just because you love someone with all your heart
doesn't eliminate the opportunity for you to spread your love
love everyone and everything
love the walls around you, love the air you breathe, love the people who brought you into this world and the ones who brought them into this world, love your friends, love their friends, love your neighbor
there is enough love in your heart for everyone, including you. so love yourself first, but don't keep your love. give it to everything.

You deserved this
Did we make you nervous?
Pacing in my bedroom as the truth unravels
Lie after lie but still convinced you're not the *******.
How many girls will you hurt before your time is up?
How many hearts have to break before you've had enough?
Losing you was the biggest gain of all.
But you still think that without you we'll fall.
Humble words tell the truth, but what do you plan to do?
Dance around reality, your logic is unclear to me.
I just hope one day a girl comes along
helps you realize you've been in the wrong.
But your God complex, it's a ******* hex!
Eventually it will be the iceberg that sinks you.
So hold on for the ride, because when it starts to die..
When it starts to die, that's when it'll hit you.

It's come to an end
I think it was all pretend
He made me out to be the bad guy
I bent over backwards and he didn't even try
One day I was his, he was awaiting my return
But he left so abruptly, I guess I had to learn
Rushed into things, so it's fitting to rush out
She won't compare to me, and it's me he'll think about

Five years old
Tear down white picket fences
Stability thrown out the window
along with his clothes, a television, smashed on impact, and normality.
Six or so
Tear me apart from the inside out
Wrath directed at my true role model
Years and years and years
Fears and tears revealed
Best friends hugging in the front yard
Salty cheeks, we're up til midnight and get to go to school late the next morning.
Abandon me like in the past
Nothing good will ever last

I am a hollow tree
A dark, empty glass
I can't even tell how much time has passed
But I've been stuck here for years
I'm a prisoner within my fears
Structured just like you,
bones and blood and being
going our separate ways when you ask me
'What's wrong?'
to explain will take too long
My branches are still growing
to keep them all from knowing
to keep myself from showing


I Am Hollow.

When you hold the guilt all you do is wait.

Wait and hope

that you’ll eventually cross the mind with a sense of anything other than fury

Anger hides true emotion.

Hope is all I have

Hope that passion is channeled in a way that flushes the toxins that are anger from the body

The thought process is a beautiful thing.

But it can turn to destruction as fast as it is beauty

So I hope. It’s truly all I can do.

Days feel like weeks, hours like days.

Minutes like individual time stamps telling me I’m closer.

I just have to make it a little longer, I tell myself.

Just keep hoping, waiting, and whatever you do

Don’t **** up.

I won’t **** up.

Not again.

But once the anger is gone

I’m afraid of what may come next.

My chest caves with every passing day
I try to be okay alone, and I can be
But the way your heart beats..
It doesn't feel right not to feel it with mine
I am to blame

Self destructive, but not self harming.

I took advantage, he’s so charming.

My comfort level hit a high,

My selfishness now makes me cry.

What the **** is wrong with me?

Stressed, depressed, anxiety.

I felt a lacking, I looked elsewhere

Disregarding, he doesn’t care.

Now the aches and pains are clear

But is it too late to have him near?

and thinking about the road

the empty bottles that always seemed to multiply beneath my feet

You with your sunglasses and a button-up..

You always look good.

You let me control the radio

I’d try to put on something I think you would like

Your hand on my thigh..I place mine on top, look at you

and smile (sometimes you catch me)

your nails short, knuckles rough

I brush my index finger across your hand..

tracing each finger carefully

our fingers intertwine

the same way our legs form around each other

like the roots of trees, tangled within one another

while we lay

Faces close, fingers gently touching

I could stare into those eyes all day

Glossy, secret worlds I want to enter

Worlds which no longer welcome me

At least for now...

you're going out tonight
i prefer to stay in
you say you wish i was there
in your bed, my naked skin
conversations, drinks and laughter
not with me, but shared
i hope you remember my laugh
as your fingers run through her hair

You think you can do it better
just because you did it first
I could take the time to tell her
but that might just make it worse

Simple little pictures
tell thousands of words
Take your stupid pictures
You know it makes it worse

It's true that bad boys move in silence
Take your time, try to be quiet
Whisper now, cavalier screams are violent
We'll be the first to start a silent riot
riot, riot,
Change your inner lighting
Never-have-the-time kid
Always end up fighting
My lips are raw from biting
The part of you that's dying

This isn't just a pride thing,
I swear I am not hiding
You'll be the one who's crying
when everyone's found lying
Your conscience is implying
that it was just the timing

but chances pass you by, kid.

I crave the curves of your arms, and how you graze my naked skin with your keen sense of touch.
But I'll treat this lust as a taboo to be sure I'm still withdrawn.

I want the luxury of you
gazing through, behind the fiery strands,
a beam of ire with sporadic desire. The utter spark
of elation burned up long ago, and now your eyes hold nothing but memories
of amity. Mine are weighed down
with dreaded speculations of tomorrow. But
the horror of tomorrow's plague does not yet rest on me.
In this moment the only vice I need is your skin against mine.

You call me and tell me you love me
I say that I can't anymore
A quick 'good night' and I hang up
To you I sound strong and secure

But after you're no longer with me
My heart falls right out of my chest
Knowing I'm no longer with you
And knowing that it's for the best

It might make you angry that I didn't kiss you
A lesson to be learned, I'm not here to please you
You can't always get what you want all the time
Opportunity came and went, you should note the signs
I'm sure my refusal instilled some resentment
But taking control gave me such contentment
You can't always get what you want all the time
I'm no longer yours and you've never been mine

I'm trying hard to get a higher education
But my grandmother's car can't even get to the gas station
My father's stuck between a rock and a hard place, I wish his job was more stable
He works so ******* hard trying to put food on our old kitchen table
Sacrifice his health and his wellbeing
Just so I can learn and so she can keep living
Her medication costs as much as his canceled vacation
And he says he'll afford the foreign dreams I'm chasing
He ***** it up but I can see the depression flashing red
Almost every night he seems to need a few beers before bed
My sister Ashley doesn't ******* see it
I wish she wasn't so selfish
Even Emily doesn't know
Sometimes I feel like the eldest
Or the wisest, as my dad says
Because I "get it"
Our bond makes it even harder to lie about the cigarettes

I feel like **** for saying it
But I know I'll be okay
I have a second home when the pressure makes me stray
And a third one, while I'm at it, when that drama seems to win
Because while I love my mom, the most stable family's Vin's

Slap my cheek to keep from crying
And level out my head
While it's my grandma who is dying
Lately my mind feels dead

I find comfort in the emptiness of the night
The hum of vacant streets and useful sheets
I relate to the eeriness of crickets and wonder if the bear is outside my door
looking for a midnight snack of scraps
(or looking for a friend, perhaps?)

Wine and unpacking
Something is lacking
I left it behind
But there's not a sign
Not even a trace
I can't see your face
Am I just a disgrace
Who can't find her place?

You shouldn't have to resort to a lonesome cure
But you can't find common interests with anyone anymore
Things you once loved are now much less desired
The people forget
  it's the fall of an empire
But desolate thoughts can bring peace to your soul
Let the mind wander,
once broken
now whole
You'd be surprised who you may find lurking
Who else may wish their brain would stop working
They hide it well, you cannot tell
  until they want to share
But once they do, you won't be through,
  you'll be the perfect pair

Lonely nights, she waited but made sure she looked good
In case his plans could include a quick hello, or a nice drive
She sat in her doubt, slept with her loneliness, got drunk
on the idea of his presence and just how wonderful his eyes sparkled
when he swore he would rather lay with her confusion
than step foot in that life one more time, but he has to
Just once more. Just once. He has potential for permanence which he is blind to. Everything is a drug. Or at least has the opportunity
to get you high with the thought of exclusion, you and him. Him and I.

Some days are harder than others.
It's 1pm and I'm still in bed.
I don't know what to do with myself.
What do people do with themselves?
Empty minded.
Reaching for something without physical effort.
Mental pictures.
Hoping.
Moping.
I can't give in like this.
But what else is there to do?

If I could have any power
I would want to view myself from others' perspectives
To know what they think about when they look at me
when they talk to me
Maybe I remind someone of their cousin
Maybe someone thinks I'm perfect,
Maybe someone doesn't.
Maybe someone sees my flaws,
Maybe someone sees the war
playing out inside of me
Battles fought solo will never be won
I'll shoot out my words like an unloaded gun
Eager to fire but not much to lose
Soon I'll retire and reveal the truth

I am idling.
Energy escapes through the open window, while the window of opportunity remains cracked on the far side of the room.
A mountain of doubt so high, I'm afraid I may fall upon climbing.
Afraid I may fail upon trying.

Before you I had no worries, I was happy and free, or at least I thought I was
In hindsight I was still a little boy running around and pretending I wasn't an adult because

If I stopped pretending it would mean I wasn't going to have fun anymore
But that all stopped when you walked through the door

When we met we clicked we understood each other perfectly
When we thought of our future if we'd always be together, certainly

When I was with you I was happy but in a different kind of way
I felt like an adult who had his whole life together, but with you I could still play

You kept me on track so my life wouldn't be wasted on parties and ****
But at the same time you made me think you were all that I would need

I didn't see it for what what we were, I saw a partnership
But when I was in a bad place you said you wouldn't stay on a sinking ship

You taught me that I'm valuable and shouldn't be tossed aside
But you taught me not everyone will stick with me for the ride

You taught me so much in our time together
Unfortunately one of those lessons was that we weren't forever

I opened up my heart for you like I never had before
Then you opened up your legs for him and left your ******* on his floor

You made me think I was the problem and the reason we would drown
But in reality, you were the captain, and your ship is going down

I have high standards
I have high ***
Do you think it's bad manners
to sleep with an ex?

Feelings, different. New yet familiar.
Fresh, refreshing. Have I met you before?
So far it seems I have met him in the one place I look least.
I have seen his attributes somewhere quite close: within myself.
Odd. Surprisingly comfortable, calm, easy.
This is very easy. Let's keep going.

I've smoked five cigarettes today
I'm not blaming you for that,
I just wish you'd go away

trading vices
but there's not much of a difference
a few drags, your red flags, both an addiction

a temporary head high
ease in the moment
with an unavoidable fatality

I loved everything about you
I even learned to love the abuse
The good, the bad, the ugly
You made a beautiful collage for me

I found myself listening to your songs tonight
Not the ones you brag about - the ones that gave me insight
They showed me that even though your eyes burned me like the brightest fire
Your words ****** me and left me in a bed of desire

And no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I deserve better
I can't help but immerse myself in your ****** weather

Sometimes I'll stand in the rain and look up at the clouds
I'll wonder if you're worth the pain and if I'll ever make you proud

i never sleep at night it seems
my nightmares have become my dreams
im siding with the enemy
this war rages inside of me

My hands are tied
You've lost your mind
My hands are full
You're a handful
So now it's time
to loosen my grip
and let you slip
right through my fingers

I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have random nights where I go out with my husband to fancy parties and we take a cab and get all dressed up and dont know anyone at the party but get drunk together and have a blast and make fools of ourselves and almost get kicked out but everyone loves us anyway because they see how much we are in love and dont care what they think then we escape into a cab in the rain and rush home to sit on the kitchen floor at 3 am eating ice cream out of the carton drunk and laughing the whole time

I've grown accustom to rejecting attention
Reflecting interest and asking the questions
Control conversation so I don't give much away
I'll redirect the focus if it starts to stray
Our relationship is your contribution
This weekend you found your substitution
I guess I can't blame you for seeing her
I hate myself, that night's a blur
Though I prefer not remembering much
That Tuesday night, I remember your touch
Your aggressive eyes
My willing body
I was so surprised that you wanted me
You're the heaven that exists in this hell
The only secret I'm dying to tell
Our chemistry seems perfect to me
A mix of our toxicities
I'm the acid, you be the base
Meet me in the middle
Show me your face
Give me your taste
Give me your strength
I'll give you my everything
For you I'll change

Neutral. No ups and downs. Careless. Distracted. It's nice. It feels healthy. Ironically, my health is **** right now. But it's mind over matter and the matters don't seem to bother my mind. I think I'm grasping the concept of contentment and holding onto it easily. Effortlessly. It comes easy. I'm thinking clearly more often than previously. Not often enough for full satisfaction but improvement gives light to my dark days. Dark hours. Dark times are sort of seldom in light of a new mindset. Crossing my fingers in hopes for more than temporary. I need a real change, not a flip flop of thoughts due to a flip flop of events. I control the inside. Peace begins with me. Peace begins with me.