charmaine

charmaine Jun 2016

memo two

my mother believes me to be beautiful,
but I believe I am nothing more than illegitimate waste.

#beauty

charmaine Apr 2016

7wordpoem

This house is ground zero for depression.

#depression

charmaine Apr 2016

honor.1

i tainted myself
i ruined all that was good and beautiful about me,
i scarred and bruised myself.

i tainted myself
i let them abuse me
i let them **** me and **** me over and over again.

i tainted myself

i looked in the mirror and hated what i saw,
i tried to please myself but ending up making myself bleed.

chewing off my fingers and crying my eyes red.

I tainted myself,
took pills to help me sleep,
it hardly worked
and when it did,
I had nightmares.

animals who attacked me
and people who pulled their teeth out.

I didn't take any again.

i tainted myself
if i died, i don't think anyone would care.

maybe a few,
two or three, then after awhile
they'd forget about me.

i've tainted myself, i've done nothing worthwhile.
i laid on my *** and cried all the time.

i wanted to be someone special,
someone who made a difference
but all i did was ruin me.

i feel like a body with no soul,
a vessel with a half-beating heart and
a mask for a face
just hovering through the years,
too scared and selfish to commit to death
all the while knowing i'll be missed.

I tainted myself,
I'll never be the same.

if i died, i think a few people would care.

depression, honor, trauma

charmaine Mar 2016

malena

There are many men who'd like to **** me, caress me, probably give me the entire world if they could.
But I only allow one to continously break my heart,
to give me black holes instead of the moon,
to pinch my skin and never massage the tension,
to make love to me once in a several month period.

I only give to one while many have said I give to all.
I have ****** many while he's only ****** one.

He doesn't hold it against me, he only asks to teach me what I've learned.

I gladly give,
I gave until he began teaching me.

There are many men who'd give me the world, the sun, the moon or the stars,
but would forget about Venus, and Pluto and Saturn.

Who would skip over Jupiter even if I asked for it because it was too big or far away.

But one would get it for me.

He'd kiss all the wounds he gave,
even the ones I gave myself
then drown me in love
even when I didn't ask for it.

There are many men who would give me their heart.

But only one has mine.

#love #****

charmaine Feb 2016

memo1

that class
the one where i knew nothing
i came unprepared.
i felt like a spotlight was on me
and they all knew it.
they all knew i knew nothing
they were waiting for me to
whimper a wrong answer
and to ***** their faces into
confusion.

"did she even read the book?"

i wouldn't give them that satisfaction of hurting me, i was so quiet i almost disappered into the seat.
the only kind of recognition i received was from that blue eyed high priestess who glanced at me with piercing questions.
it was the worst day of my life.
i pride myself on at least being prepared and today i wasn't
that class was the worst and i hope it never happens again.

a memo that turned into a poem. i often write on on the train and that day just mad me feel horrible.

#bad #day #writing #class

charmaine Feb 2016

a letter of promise

I no longer look forward to the promises you keep.
You often break them and never apologize for the disappointment
Many times, I have fulfilled my own promises.
With no congratulations from you.

I no longer look forward to the promises you keep.
They are weak lies with hope dangling off of them.
You often make these promises and I laugh at the knowing expection of that promise turning to dust.

I no longer look forward to promises,
they are weak, unfulling and excuses for people to hold onto with no reassurance that it will ever come true.
I no longer make promises to those I love, I try my hardest to give them a promise before they even make it.
Promises are foolish to me, they rely on hope.
On which I have none.

I no longer look forward to promises you keep,
and I will send this letter to no one, no one will ever read this
I promise.

#promises #family #deceit

charmaine Jan 2016

allIwannaDo

I'm not angry
just tired,
you push me away
when all I want to do is
hold you close
and fix all your problems.

Fix all that cause
black holes in your eyes,
turn your hair silver
and make you hold your head
in your hands.

All I wanna do is hold it
for you.

I'm not angry
just sad,
I push you away
when all I wanna do is
tell you everything I feel
but I'm scared.

Scared you don't feel the same.

All I want you do is hold
my heart for me,
like I've done for you.

All I wanna do is love you.

#love #feelings #pain