"Will I ever love again?"
I can't help but wonder to myself.
Thoughts of missing you come in waves,
This is a special kind of hell.
I try to continue living life.
I see him, I approach him.
We date, and he falls for me.
I find him sweet, we build a connection.
But I am numb.
Things get intimate.
That's when the nightmares begin.
Like clockwork.
I toss and turn with thoughts of you in my head.
He doesn't kiss quite like you do.
He doesn't wink at me when he catches me staring.
He doesn't give me the stomach flip.
He touches me, he excites me, but it is not the same.
Is it me, or is it him? I can no longer tell.
His fingers softly graze my skin,
But don't provoke the same response.
He doesn't know every ****** expression I have.
He can't see right through me like you did.
I don't have the years of memories with him.
He is laying next to me, holding me close just like you did.
So why is it I close my eyes and all I can see is you......

It's 11pm  and I'm lying awake. I'm trying to erase the memory of you. Every time I close my eyes I feel you laying next to me. I hear you saying you love me. I hear you call me baby. I try to call out to you, but I am met with silence. We still love each other, but we can not reach one another. There is too much distance for us to ever be reunited. I'm left with the bitter taste of you and all of our memories. I wonder if I will ever stop longing for you. If I will ever sleep peacefully. My mind can't accept you're not here. And you're never coming back home..

If you knew the things I'd done,
You'd never think of me again.
I wouldn't cross your mind,
You wouldn't miss my touch.

If you knew how I felt,
You would move on.
You'd forget those sweet kisses
I planted on those lips.
You'd forget the way I ran my fingers
Down your body, just the way you liked.
Touching you in a way you'd never had before.
Never again will you find another like me,
You had gold, but you prefer silver.
And that's okay.
So when you pass me on the street,
With someone new,
Don't you dare think a **** thing.
This ship has sailed, baby.

It's finally the end for us.
We're both moving on.
Doing what we both said we'd never do,
Faster than we could ever imagine.
We broke each other and called it love.
What a waste of love.
How did things get this way?
How can my love for you persist,
Despite the way you tore me down.
How can you be etched in my memories,
When you treated my heart as your chew toy?
I was your plaything, not your love.
I never meant a thing.
Everything was a farce,
Even the hand-me-down ring.
Remember you, I always will.
Never will I let you back in.
You won't tear me down again.
I've built myself up again, anew.
Like a phoenix rising from the ashes,
You don't know who I am.
Love you, I always will.
Let you come back, never.

That blade seemed to have all the answers.
Invading my cells like a cancer.
Watching it unfold, I’ve come to the brink.
Fading away and bleeding into the kitchen sink.
In a haze, I utter a gasp.
Dropping the knife I had in my clasp.
Drawing a bath, the end is near,
No longer will I be consumed with fear.
Climbing in, numb to the water,
Hoping and praying to my father.
The water fills with blood, drip by drip.
Wiping the tears falling onto my lip.
Screams resonate when no one’s around,
Until my lungs are finally out of sound.
Soon, now, it will be over.
Not a soul will know what drove her.

I have everything,
I have nothing.
I fit in everywhere,
I fit in nowhere.
I'm flying high,
I'm sinking down.
Why do you love me?
I hate you, don't leave me.
Why won't you give me everything?
I deserve it all.
I'm a queen with an invisible crown.

It doesn't matter if people leave our lives. What is meant to be will always stay. If you reveal yourself fully to another, and they reject you outright, it is a gain, not a loss. No person or situation is inherently "bad", it is simply your reaction to it. To open yourself up despite the fear of complete rejection is beautiful. It is not something to be ashamed of to shed the facade we are all guilty of hiding behind. Nothing is more raw or astonishing than the unfiltered version of ourselves. One day we will see why the others didn't work out. Why the others rejected us despite our efforts. Why they decided to flee at the first sign of our true selves. When we accept ourselves for who we are is when we will find peace. We shall not receive peace seeking solace and approval from another. No human relationship is truly perfect. They are rife with suffering, ignorance, and pain. No matter how "perfect" they seem for us, we will part ways. One of us will die. One of us may get sick. One of us may leave to be with another. Our love may crumble. Our interests may change. Undoubtedly, we will go along different paths. Instead of mourning this inevitability, we should embrace the impermanence of our situation. We should celebrate the lessons we learned from this beautiful soul. We should rejoice in the happy memories we once had. Things that may be lost, but never forgotten.
Yes, the lesson has been learned.

Sleep envelops in such a sweet embrace.
The torment I am unable to face.

Fingers in knots; the pills are out of grasp
No more strength to muster a clasp.

This crushing fatigue has swallowed me whole.
The  unrelenting pain has finally taken its toll.

Struggling, crying, gasping for breath.
Gripping the bedsheets, bracing for what's next.

Panic attacks rip me from my sleep,
From every crevice the pain does seep.

Scared to find what lies beneath,
What this body has to me bequeath.

Will this torment ever end?
When will my miracle be sent?

I'm a slave to my body
Left to put up with the pain
Feels like one sick, crazy game
I'm merely a spectator
Helpless and frozen
In horror, and uncertainty, wondering why was I chosen
All my efforts in vain
Nothing can take away the pain
The depression and anxiety that consume my mind
Nothing I can do but find ways to pass the time
Hoping and wishing, one day for a cure
Meanwhile my life is just one big blur
Trying so hard to take control
But the stress and the pain are taking their toll
Wishing that others could try to understand
All of the problems I seek to withstand
Trying and failing, uncertain of what to do
Sick of feeling insane, what have I gotten myself into?
All of this inner turmoil leaving me drained
Not a smile crosses my lips that isn't feigned
This daily facade of normalcy is my routine
Truth is; it feels like I'm living in a dream
Don't know what's real, incapable of true emotion
It's all just white noise; one big commotion
One day I hope it will all go away
Until then, these tears are here to stay.