There's a strange, calm feeling that goes along with heartbreak. It's that feeling of peace. Like you know you've done all you can even though that still wasn't enough. But you can finally breathe better because it's no longer in your hands.

Don't get me wrong it still *****; it still hurts just as bad. But the feeling of looking back and finally not regretting anything is huge. I've always looked back and feared that I would regret saying no to you. But now, you finally said no to me. I didn't make the ultimate decision. You did.

I wonder if this is how you felt all the times I rejected you.

Life will go on with or without you. Accept what is and let go of what isn't. Stop trying to find happiness in the past. Stop picturing your future with someone who no longer wants to be there. Appreciate the people around you. Take your time. Breathe. It's okay. Create a new future.

You tell me that the next time you see me you want me to be full of life and happy. I wanted to reply, "You idiot, you're the only one that can do that" but instead I say "Okay."

Maybe not speaking up is what got me here in the first place.

The timing was never right. But maybe that says more about us than we want to believe.

Maybe it's God's way of telling us "let it go, I have better things waiting for you."

Or maybe it's just our cruel fate.

And I think what hurt the most was that for a second, a split second, I thought everything was going to be okay. That I finally had this thing called life figured out.

But I was wrong.

I think the weirdest part is when a memory hits you out of no where. For a second you forget the heartbreak. You forget the outcome of your relationship. Instead, you focus on that memory; and for a second you are truly happy.

The worst part is when you're ****** back into reality and have to face the facts that a memory is a memory for a reason.

It's in the past.

"You did not break me. I am not broken."

But then again maybe you did. Maybe I am.

But I still repeat those words to myself over and over again in the hopes that if I say them enough then they will become true.

I don't want to be broken because then I have to admit that I gave someone the power to do so.

It scares me to think that he hurt me so much that there's no moving forward.

I am stuck.

I now fear everything. I am scared to get close to someone else. I am scared to give someone else a chance; fearing that it'll just be another chance to hurt me.

How do I move past this? How do I accept what happened? The boy I loved, the boy I thought (and knew) was in love with me too. Hurting me the way he did, as many times as he did, that's not love. It can't be, can it?

I want to move on. I want to be happy again. But he stops me every time. And by he I mean me. I stop me. Because I never want to feel how I felt ever again.