It hurts to look at him
Like it hurts to look at old photographs of happy times you'll never get to enjoy
Like listening to recordings of a concert you didn't go to
Like smelling fresh bread you can't eat

It hurts to know I've always been so close
In math we learned that parallel lines run next to each other for eternity
But they don't touch
And maybe my line was never straight forward
But it always seemed to bend towards you
I guess I just didn't fit in his equation

It hurts when I see him smiling
But it's not at me
Laughter is the best medicine
That's what I've heard
So maybe that's why this sickness inside me hasn't healed yet

How do I tell someone that I love them
Especially when they're a bird
And you don't want to tie them down
Because you love them for their flight
There's this saying that says "**** two birds with one stone"
If I killed him in flight, I would **** my self too

I hate being in the dining room at 12:12 AM
Because the house is silent
Except for quiet breaths from a sleepy dog
And silence may be a lack of sound
But it's pressing against my eardrums
And holding my mind captive

Some of drink to forget feelings
Others drink to feel
But you're getting high to remember the names of your parents
And I'm smoking cigarettes to be able to breathe again

All my parents do is fight
And all I do is drink
My friend once called me an alcoholic
And I wouldn't disagree
Because that's all I look forward to
That's why I go to sleep

To forget
To feel

Sometimes before I fall asleep I leave room for you in my bed
Because these scenarios always work out in my head
And even though my hands are freezing cold
It's worth it if maybe in your arms you would hold
The shattered remains of a childhood euphoria
And what's left of me

Car rides passed by blank stares at broken down cars and empty fields
I keep looking for your name on my phone
I keep looking to the seat beside me expecting a different result from each blink
I keep wishing you were here
But if I had a field of dandelions for each wish that I wished about you, there'd be miles of empty promises and deflated sighs because I promise wishing doesn't work
I know because I've tried

I hate when he talks about their relationship
Because he doesn't know that I've been waiting for them to break up since they started dating
He doesn't love her
And she doesn't love him
Why is pretending a game that we've all grown up to be professionals?

I've always thought my appearance odd
My eyes and eyebrows are dark yet my hair is light
And recently I've started to make connections
Between the personality on the surface
And the person I keep to myself
"The eyes are the window to the soul"
Maybe that's why mine are so dark.

Have you ever had to look someone you love in the eyes and lie
Because the truth is a bomb shell
And you're not ready for the shrapnel
And maybe you didn't drop it because you want to protect them
And maybe you didn't drop it because you want to save yourself

But I told him that scars were something else
And my stomach hurt
And I was tired
But I didn't tell him that last night my hands were steady when I did something that I swore I'd never do again

I hate when my best friend says hi to him
Because we can only pretend that the other doesn't exist
And for once I wish that the looks he gave me were saturated with anger
Instead of blank stares followed with down shifting eyes
Following an unspoken agreement
That I'm invisible
And 'we' never happened

Have you ever replayed scenes in your head
Because maybe there will be a time when the story changes
And you're the hero
Instead of the antagonist
I always think of the times when we were together
And how badly I messed up
And if I could go back in time
I'd be able to see the color of your eyes tomorrow

Sometimes I sit under the Christmas lights in my room and think about how much you'd love them
And I look out the window
Waiting for you
But darkness is a thick veil
And the only thing to break it is fire
But the matchbox that sits on my bedside table is empty

They say that darkness is just an absence of light
By that definition sadness would be a lack of happiness
Then why do I feel this sadness infecting my chest like a plague with no cure
And if coldness is just a lack of heat then does that mean loneliness is just an absence of you

It's become hard for me to cry
Maybe because most of my emotions are blocked
Or maybe my tear ducks are
That would explain why my head is pounding and it feels like I'm underwater
I wish I could say my eyes are swimming
But instead they're tinged with red
And the only tears are coming from broken skin

Sometimes the animals that stalk me at night wake up too early
And I'm running and hiding before I'm ready
And the words are tumbling out of my mouth before my tongue can catch them
The battle rages on:
They use my ribs as shields
And my bones as ammo

I hate the fact that I never told you I loved you
Maybe if I said it then I would've believed it
And I wouldn't have had to tell you that it's over
And when my friend told her sister that we broke up because I wasn't happy
Her sister was content
But I wasn't

The apologies I wrote never made it to your mailbox
But instead sit on my desk
Collecting dust
Like the dust that sits on my brain
They were worthless anyways
I could never fix a broken heart that has already been repaired crooked

I've been waiting for someone to ask why my eyes are so dark
And my hair so light
Because i would tell them
That you learn the most about someone by their eyes
And when someone's eye color is your favorite color
Then you shouldn't forget to tell them that you love them
Because I never told him that I never liked brown eyes until we met
And now I'll never get to see them again
bmh