sometimes the distance doesn't make sense
and i find myself wondering: if i walk down this road forever, would i eventually find you?

in my mind's eye, you are near.

we're talking on the phone and
your voice plays tricks on my understanding
of the physics of distance and time and space
one step away, or a continent
and how far is a continent, really?
if i sit on the bus in front of me, will it drop me off next to you?

you say we share the same moon but
does that mean we breathe the same air and
are you really that far when
you feel so near?

i'm tracing my history and i realize that it all adds up

always being told that i'm crazy but
they never had all the pieces to the puzzle and
i didn't know that i did either but
i found some lying in the back room and
i put it together so that the puzzle was complete and
it all makes sense

i'm tracing my history and i realize that it all adds up

Home is not welcoming.
Home does not want me here;
It allows me to live under its roof but
It will not let me forget.

Home is shame;
It is fear and guilt and regret.
It is the sound of
“You could do better”
And
“You are not enough”

Home stays still
It tells you to stay with it
In a way that your body won’t allow
You are squirming in place
About to burst, staying still.

Home has changed
It wasn’t always like this
It has silenced;
Poisoned our roots
And cut our wings.

Home is Home.
Your place of return.
It is safe under here
Protecting you from
The Outside World.

my nightmares have turned to fanstasies
i'm tearing at my skin
i'm praying for pain on the outside
to help numb the pain within.

there is poverty
in the
smell of ***.

a hidden guilt: shame.

***** towels
10 rupee soap.

tissues in the trashcan.

we cannot afford
the sterilization
of intimacy.

cannot clean nor claim our space.
roam room to room;
poverty to poverty.

carrying our stench
and shame.

the dogs bark
you tell me to silence them

the birds sing
you tell me to silence them

the wind yowls
you tell me to silence it

the earth cries
you tell me to silence it

i am not grieving
nor yearning
or moping
i am not crippling
by the weight of
the thought of
you.

but i miss knowing you.

i miss knowing what time
you'd wake up and what time
you have class and what time
you will call your mother because
she is traveling to a different country
& misses you dearly.

i miss knowing what's on your mind
at any given time
& bumping into you in the bathroom
because our temporal rhythms are
in sync.

and the nights you missed her
bottle of ***** in hand
(the cheap kind,
you were never one to indulge)
your voice shakes but
no tears &
you're all fears and
i miss knowing exactly what you're about to say.

the time we stayed up till 3
the day you told me you cared for me
not love though, you'd never throw that around
maybe love though, just not the romantic kind

i miss knowing you
your smell
the blood on your jacket
the cut on your knee

i miss knowing you
your cough
a sniffle
the way you laughed with me

i miss knowing you
having you around

i'm not broken without you
i am not in grief
nor misery

but i wish
i knew you
and you still
knew me.

i write
but not really

i'm a poet
but not really

somewhere between broken hearts
and putting them back together
i forgot how to pick up the pen

i was so busy piecing myself back together that
i forgot how to put pieces of a sentence together

it doesn't hurt to write and
i want to scream but
there is a calm dull throbbing silence

i write
but not really

i'm a poet
but not really

i think you have to bleed to write
i stopped bleeding when i ran out of blood
i think you have to cry to write
i stopped crying when i ran out of tears

sometimes i wish i was broken again
because this silence isn't much better and
screaming felt good and
not having the words feels worse.

you have to be in touch with your emotions to write poetry
i am not in touch with my emotions

i write
but not really

i'm a poet
but not really

i haven't been telling you my real feelings for a while now.
you've been going through so much yourself.
and you say i make it all about me.
i hate seeming selfish and needy.

but right now;
i need you.
maybe as much as you need me.

i don't want you to read this until your schedule clears.
because i don't want to be a pain.
but i'm scared- so deeply afraid.
and so so deeply alone.

my mind is getting darker
and my anxiety is consuming me
my fear of
displeasing you
seems to grow
and constantly come true.

it's like
your anger
is all that
i think of;
displeasing you
is all that
goes through my head.

seeing you upset with me
makes me wish i were dead.

i'm not okay.
and you get upset with me quite often now-
have you realized the way
i've submitted and obeyed?
in my mind the shackles of slavery
jingle.

until this point
i never felt this way
where
you were
in control of me
and your happiness
and validation
was all that mattered to me.

it's becoming
master & slave.
it wasn't meant to
be this way.
when you smile at me
or say hello-
i feel like you're doing me a favor.

i'm not blaming you
but i'm getting afraid.
i'm reaching out to you.
this is the only way.
i can see of speaking to you.
because i'm too afraid to say.
what's in my heart.
and mind.
and the fear.
which consumes.
me.

what once was freedom
now feels like chains;
i love you
sounds like
mercy.

it's not your fault
there's something wrong with me
and i know it's
hard for you to see
but
i'm fading
and my love
for you
is turning
dangerous
for me.

help me.
please.