Sometimes i think of
who i once was-
especially the person i "would be"
in my head as a child

who i would be, existing
as my own idea of where
i should be living
and being.

without any real
tools to paint this picture
i made a mess of
my self image.

not then,
but now.

because now i'm not sure if
any of the pictures i painted
were ever looked at closely

standing back equates all my desires
yet up close i begin to fall apart
as my microscopic eyes
tear that which
fell under my hand

i'll probably always wander aimlessly,
and while all these faces seem to look the same to me,
i could undoubtedly decipher
you from a crowd
and although i like to keep
my deepest thoughts quiet,
my love for you screams so
unbearably loud.

i dreamt of you
standing on top of a building
so far up, staring down at me

i dreamt of you
standing on top of a building
so far up, a hero in the sky

i dreamt of you
standing on top of a building
and i wonder if this means
that no matter how many
crimes you commit
somewhere deep inside
you are still my savior
standing so tall, so far
always untouchable
i wonder if this means
that in my heart
you still hold a position
stories higher than anyone else
i keep looking for a savior
but that place remains unreplaced
because the safety after the fear
that you gave me is irreplaceable
and i wonder if that means
no matter how far i run
i'll still search for you
in my skies and sun

i dreamt of you
laying on top of my body
your skin buzzing with electricity

i dreamt of you
laying on top of my body
your touch caressing my skin

i dreamt of you
laying on top of my body
and i wonder if that means
no matter how many times
i try to escape
your weight is still somewhere
on my chest
holding me down like a brand
claiming me as yours
your skin is heavy
with hunger and mine
craves you in ways i never
craved anyone else
and after all these months
i wonder if this means
you are still somewhere
on my body
in my body
i wonder if you still
live somewhere in my heart
and under my layers
and i wonder
if this means no matter how many
times i try to wash you away
you are still
always there.

Never trust a white man,
Never **** a Jew,
Never sign a contract,
Never rent a pew.
Don't enlist in armies;
Nor marry many wives;
Never write for magazines;
Never scratch your hives.
Always put paper on the seat,
Don't believe in wars,
Keep yourself both clean and neat,
Never marry ******.
Never pay a blackmailer,
Never go to law,
Never trust a publisher,
Or you'll sleep on straw.
All your friends will leave you
All your friends will die
So lead a clean and wholesome life
And join them in the sky.

it's treacherous, really
how far out of your way
you are willing to go
just to find someone who
is not me.

and for what?

for the adrenaline rush of
an ego boost (?)

and at the price of what?
the hem that has held
my heart together
is beginning to rip-
the seams are giving way
spilling out every
and all
of the things that i try
so hard to contain

at the price of my own
comfortability.
i forfeit my precious solitude,
only to be met with
the coldest
and emptiest of embraces.
slight looks of annoyance,
eyes averted quickly
at laughter
as if mad that someone
might hear me.

where do i get off
on burning the
ends of my nerves
so that your touch
does not make me
shudder?

attempting to hold it all together,
as i can  be responsible for you
in life
but not ever
in death.

Have you ever
crumpled beneath
the weight of
your own hands?

have you felt your
skin crawl
at the thought
of your own
solitude?

ashamed
as if things
like this do not happen
to people like you

apologies
as if
the burden laid not
on your own shoulders.
yet the diaphragm
of those who tell you
"it will be okay"