I confess,
My blood pounds in my ears,
And my mouth opens before my head catches up to it.

I’ve only ever lived for others.

When I didn’t want to be alive anymore,
I kept going
Not for myself,
But for others.

I’ve been taken from my lifeline,
My codependent
Reason for living.
Other people.

So now I have to slap my own wrist
When I go to help someone,
Keep to myself
Before I try to keep someone.
Live selfishly,
And hope to find myself.

My mouth gets ahead
If my head.
And suddenly I’m saying things
Like “I love you,” and
“Leave me alone.”

My way of self preservation
Was to invest in others
For so long,
And now it must be
To keep only to me.
And I don’t know if I want that life.

Easy there, Ginger.
Quiet your tone.
Don’t let yourself get angry,
Sit there
And take it.
If you want to
Survive.

And everything
Had happened
The way they promised
It wouldn’t.

I’m not empty.
It’s not that I don’t feel anything.
The exact opposite.

I feel so much.

So much I get desensitized to my own emotions.
They flow around like water in every corner of my body.
Mixing in with my blood until there is no cell untouched.

It used to be a gentle lake.
But now It’s an ocean.
So all I can do is sit here and pretend that I’m a puddle.
Just like everyone else.

10:32 pm
You’re still at my house
Lying on my couch like you own the place;
I wouldn’t rather have you in any other place.
I mean,
We’re not just talking about the weather,
We’re talking ‘bout forever and together,
Your together with someone else,

But it’s okay, cause you’re here right now,
With me,
And I will have this memory to look back on
Later

Please text me when you get home,
Please tell me that you’re okay,
Please let me know
That wherever you go
We will always be the same, cause
You are my song,
You are my heart,
You are my everything,
And even though I will never be yours,
Please text me when you get home.

11:02 pm
You’re still at my house,
In my gravel driveway, fumbling for your keys
I tell you “drive safeLY”, and you laugh at me
Being the grammar police.
You open up your car door and my heart drops,
Panic sets in cause you’re leaving and
I don’t know when I’ll see you again.
You notice my fear and lean in and kiss me on
My freckled cheek and smile through the words,
“I love you”
And my heart beats a mile a minute,
And I don’t know how much longer I’ll last
Before I faint

But it’s okay, cause you’re here right now
With me,
And I will have this memory to look back on
Later

Please text me when you get home,
Please tell me that you’re okay,
Please let me know
That wherever you go
We will always be the same, cause
You are my song,
You are my heart,
You are my everything,
And even though I will never be yours,
Please text me when you get home.

3 am
You’re not at my house,
You’re at yours, you’re on your own couch,
And my eyes are heavy,
But my heart is full,
And my phone lights up with a text from you,
An angel emoji and an “I made it”
Are enough to make me giggle with happiness, cause
You’re home and you’re safe and even though you’re
Not with me

It’s okay, cause you’re here in my heart
With me
And I will have all these memories to look back on
Later

Please text me when you get home,
Please tell me that you’re okay,
Please let me know
That wherever you go
We will always be the same, cause
You are my song,
You are my heart,
You are my everything,
And even though I will never be yours,
Please text me when you get home.

I’m okay, cause
I have all these memories to look back on
Later