written March 31, 2015

"Have you ever cried every day for two weeks straight?
I have
And although the tears were sporadic
My breaths were heavy and I had outbursts
These tears i'm experiencing, two weeks later
are hurting much much more
I'm not biting my tongue to hide my sobs
or crying into the pillow, late at night
Rather feelings the burn as each tear slowly runs down my cheeks
Every tear falls with a memory of you
and my heart is heavy tonight
I feel as if I'm suffocating
Because my heart and my head are in a rebuttal
Wishing two things upon myself
and I don't know where to go
I just want to stay still and do nothing for the rest of eternity
Who knew decisions could be this ******* someone
And why is it that the one who hurts you and treats you poorly
is the one you set your sights on
and want the most"

You know how,
In those moments
Right before you fall,
The earth starts to
Crumble beneath you,
And you can see your fate
As it happens almost
In slow motion,
But not slow enough to stop it from happening,
Or even to brace for impact.
So there you are contemplating
Your fate of falling,
As it happens right before your eyes,
Unable to protect yourself,
Or prevent the impact;
Helpless in a sense;
Like a calf just learning to walk,
But it stumbles,
And you want to help it,
But you know that it has to learn
How to walk on it's own,
Or it will never be able to run.

I don't know if you're there,
I don't know if you're there at all,
But I feel like you do
In those moments right before you fall.
The ground crumbles beneathe you,
Your stomach drops to your knees,
Your entire world is falling apart,
You're screaming for help, somebody please!
No one comes to the scene,
No one rushes to your side,
In these moments before you fall,
You're left alone to die.

I fell for your trap,
It must've been clear to see,
That I wasn't anything to you,
But you were my ecstasy.
I got high in your presence,
And came down in your absence,
To me when we were together,
We were like a mixer and absinthe.
Little did I know,
You were the sin in absinthe,
And my love for you left me feeling
Blinded in a labyrinth.
You were always so perfect,
You were my ecstasy,
But I was your nothing;
You just wanted your ex to see.
You see, that's the difference,
In the two types of people;
There's those of us full of love,
And those, like you, full of evil.

Because of you, I have grown to love coffee and the
Environment of a coffee shop.
The bonding between regulars as well as customers and their baristas
Had never seemed like it could be
Anything, really. But you have shown me what it means to have family that's
Not related by blood,
Yet, we've created a bond so strong, I don't know how I'll drink coffee without you!

I had one thing that I truly considered to be mine,
I had one thing that I truly owned
And in the blink of an eye, the beat of a heart, the snap of a finger
It was taken from me.
I was robbed of the only thing that I owned.
Sure I have a place to cry myself to sleep at night,
But the rent I pay is only for a temporary space;
I feel homeless, and helpless
I feel violated, insulted, and worthless.
Why is it that I try so hard to lead a better life,
I am trying to find faith again,
And work for everything I want and need
Yet I am stolen from, robbed and broken down?
It hurts, and in this pain all I can seem to do
Is watch the world I stand on, crumble beneath me.

I feel your warm skin next to mine,
Your soft lips pressed up against me,
Your smooth hands caressing my body.
I look into your eyes and see
The person I love more than life itself;
I see the way you look back at me.
The love in your eyes
Must be hard to disguise,
Or maybe just when you're around me.
I run my fingers through your hair,
I let them brush your beautiful cheek,
I'd do anything for you
To keep that way you look at me.
I lay my head on your chest,
And hear your heart beat;
***-***, ***-***, ***-***
Sounds like sweet music to me.
As we lay here, holding tightly to the other,
I think of just how much I love you,
And how you'll never know.