I hear her whispering to me
sweet, gentle words in my ear.
I want her to reach out
touch me, hold me, wrap her long spindly arms around me.
To take away the strain it takes to breath.
To tear away the persistent pain.
The pain that rips through my thoughts like the crash and ferocity of a wave
breaking on the shore.
I want her to keep talking to me.
She beckons me
“Come here, let me help you.”
She pulls me in as if she were doing everything to save me.

She might save me.
If I follow her the way she wants,
like the way I want to.
As if I were a moth chasing a child holding a wildly moving flashlight.
She might save me.
The more she whispers to me.
The more I crave her.
The more the pain rises like it’s an elevator,
shooting to the top of a skyscraper.

I might listen to her.
I might follow her.
I want to.
I want to see her, go to her.
I need to.
I need her to take away my pain like she promises.
A promise so strong two pinkies solidifying it would not be enough.

Death, she calls herself.

She might save me.

Crave it. Crave life. Desire things that aren't material. Learn to grip every little thing and never let the feeling of being blown away by this earth leave your fingertips. Try new foods from different places and cultures. Don't shut your mind off to things that are not what you deem 'normal'. Open your heart to people and do not let yourself walk away from loving and being loved. Quit allowing your fear of getting hurt overcome your need of intimacy. Stop shying away from being vulnerable. Allow yourself to feel every emotion there is to feel. Don't fret when you start to feel a little insane. Don't worry when your throat swells up and tears form around the brim of your eyes. Be angry, happy, silly, sad, and wild. When people tell you that you're being too much, laugh.  Live your life empty of fear for tomorrow or regret from yesterday. Kiss lots of boys, walk long miles, swim in foreign waters, create new things, write. Love this life and yourself.

Maybe I'm so lonely because I convince myself that happiness is always fleeting and your kisses won't last forever

I always tell myself not to open up because everything I've ever learned in school tells me that you cannot live without a heart and mine always seems to find its way into your cursed hands

I can't help but feel like I've lost my mind when catching myself not being able to focus is not uncommon for me because my brain is always circling your words and trying to decode the secret language of your touch

I am certainly becoming a lesser version of myself due to your subtle ways of filling my body with pieces of you

I should have learned by now that I cannot fix you or change your wicked self

I cannot even fix me

why wasn't I
enough?

i guess some would say that its just easier to push the ones you love away, instead of sticking around and watching them leave you instead. but absence is absence and leaving hurts too, because either way someone’s being ripped away from you and i don’t think that dull ache ever truly goes away. we just grow numb to it, become unaware and pretend that breathing isn’t hard. even though it is. even though it kills you sometimes just to take a deep breath because shards of everything broken inside of you never truly go away, they just resemble into something else that you either love or hate and end up poking your lungs when you find someone new, letting you know “oh hey! this is scary!” but the point of this is to say, absence hurts like a ***** no matter how it hits you. and maybe its insensitive to say, but you need to appreciate the people you have right now because you never know when you will run out of what seems like an endless succession of tomorrow’s because everything does come to an end at some point. so please, with everything inside of me, im begging you, make the most out of today. tell everyone you love them, shout it as loud as you can, scream it. im not much of a person for saying i love you unless i truly mean it, but please, gather what’s inside of you and tell them. tell them before its too late, appreciate them, call them, text them, go hangout with them, hold them close because when you have a tomorrow that comes and you lose someone you’ve loved with every fiber of your being, that’s what ***** you up inside. it leaves you broken, so broken you can’t even fathom enough life inside of you to breathe for a while and so you become blue and you kind of fade away into the sky and you go away for a while, you vanish from all that you’ve known because when someone you love is ripped away and you’re forced to say goodbye, it’s kind of like hearing every “i love you” and “i hate you” all at once. it’s deafening, numbing, overwhelming and its not something you come back from easily. and i know it hurts how nothing is promised forever but sometimes there’s solace in that. because that means the bad won’t last forever, this darkness won’t surround you forever, these wounds will not bleed you dry forever. so please, hold onto the things close to you even closer. and love. love with everything you’ve got, love until it makes you ******* bleed and remember, you choose who you bleed for. so when you bleed yourself dry, i hope you can see it in you that it was worth it. i hope the person you bleed for also bleeds for you. i hope that that the person you love, loves you back just as much. i hope your heart heals, and more than anything, i hope you find it in you to love when there isn’t much left. love will save you if you let it. please, let it.