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392 · Mar 2011
Heart Haiku 1
Aubrey Mar 2011
my heart, imploding
watching clouds i am tranquil
praying for the rain
Aubrey Jan 2015
you have married me
married my spirit
called it to life from death
and bound it to you
flaming
hot
waking each limb
sensation
thought
vibration
atoms in unison
singing the cosmic rotation
"You make my life a love poem."
385 · Dec 2014
Holy Math
Aubrey Dec 2014
"No. It's okay. Sounds like you need somebody to talk to."
That's true. Just like, the wind here is biting cold.
My ten-times-broken knuckles make me feel old.
I always know when the weather is changin'.
I brace the gale with practiced patience.
Just like, if you hear something often enough, it cheapens.
"You're so strong." 'You're stronger than I am."
Just willing enough to be wrong, that's what I am.
Willing enough to see me in you and know that it's true that we are the same, separately.
The weather up here is different.
For the first time in my life, I see seasons.
"Everything is connected. We are parts of the same whole."
Just like, when the neon leaves fade to death
to live in perfect spirals...
giving the frozen air a soul ...
I see the parts dance together.
My peace is in these trees and hills... in these winter chills.
I could be free here.
But there is real fear
in harboring that escaped chaos.
367 · Jan 2015
Untitled
Aubrey Jan 2015
That growling voice
raspy
bronchial tubes screaming under
cakey mucus;
feelings are thrown around here,
jutting out of auras
like flood lights.
We all need things.
What would it be like if we didn't?
Can you imagine that?
Everyone
having everything they need
to feel safe,
secure,
loved?
11/3/14
365 · Jan 2015
Panic
Aubrey Jan 2015
The fibers of my being were imploding:

a sudden descent into internalized vibration at incredible speed, shaking loose the atoms and sending waves in and through the space of everything;
the perpetual now becoming so intense and real
and unwelcome
in its familiarity.
10/29/14
354 · Aug 2014
Believe me...
Aubrey Aug 2014
I get it.
Your heart is ripped out and it's me that took it... forced you to take me back against better judgement. I trapped you here with me for years.
And now, I've torn it from your chest and laid it to rest under my heel.
*******.
**** your broken heart and your empty sobs and your selfish pleas for me to take you back.  
"You never loved me from the beginning!"
ALL I EVER DID....
                                        was love you.
                     ******.
You had a chance to make it right.
You had the choice. You chose to lie
and steal and have no respect for our lives...
and then, as if that was not enough for me to see through your sad eyes and sweet smile...
then you said you would take my life
out of fear and guilt and pain and desperation...
*******.
**** your pain and your incessant need for gratification and validation...
"I just love my wife and kids."
LOVE is not a word you throw around to make you look the part.
You are no husband and father.
You are no man.
Entitled like an adolescent and selfish like a child,
you would rather tear these kids from my arms and send them to the abyss called OKDHS than call ONE time to speak to them.
Believe me...
my veins pump bile strong enough to blot out your face
my heart is full of unbridled hate
when I heard what you did today....
the piece of my heart that was for the father of my child died.
That will never heal.
That part is gone.
You haven't broke my heart, you gave it the most beautiful battle scar.
Believe me...
if I see your face
after all of this is done
if I have any chance
just ******* one...
I know you believe me.
I'm no liar.
Believe me...
I have thrown myself into the fire.
328 · Aug 2014
Once
Aubrey Aug 2014
Used to be
anger made all those other feelings disappear...
I could mask sadness and fear.
Now, anger just falls away as fast as it manifests...
and I am left
with pain.
Even if you were awful these last two months
I loved you once.
I was lying when I said my heart wasn't broken...
I know, the queen of tactless truth...
I lied.
I don't miss you.
I miss the delusion of love and comfort
and fatherhood.
And I just wish it could have been different.
I just wish you could have been different.
I just wish you could have raised the white flag
and gave it all you had... or nothing at all...
I gave so much of me to you, and I thought that was forever, and you pushed and pushed and pushed thinking that I'd never...
and now that I'm through, you choose to hurt me even more
as if in some way you are evening the score.
I wish I didn't have to make the choices you forced me into
but don't think for one second I feel any regret.
I just can't forget that I loved you once.
327 · Jan 2015
One-O-Four AM
Aubrey Jan 2015
I remember tracing the lines of her veins,
the hills they made in her thin skin,
purplish flesh and wrinkled hands.
I loved the way
the vein gave
under the gentle pressure of my finger
and thinking of what my hands would look like
when, at last, I was old
and sat
with a child in my lap
letting them explore the map of my wrinkles
and slow the river of my veins.
Each winter
my knuckles remind me I am a year older.
At each joint
the skins darker and dryer
and the wrinkles deeper.
I have longed
for slender fingers and painted nails,
but I find such pleasure now,
seeing the age in my hands.
11/5/14
Aubrey Dec 2014
I am most collected with brush in hand, messy strokes flying and gliding, music playing, and a mess on my hands and shirt.
I process most while cleaning and organizing
the compartmentalizing of my things and thoughts at once.
I am most vulnerable singing
laying bare my heart and soul void of emotional levies.
I am most at peace dancing with my babies and holding them in my arms
seeing my future in their eyes and knowing theirs is worth the fight.
300 · Jan 2015
On Writing
Aubrey Jan 2015
I get an itch sometimes, and the keys won’t do.
That muscle memory is more fresh
than the long practiced
pen in hand.
There are times it can be sated with a brush
Or some other act of color.
But the prickle for the pen
Creates appetite
gratified
only by
The scratch of the paper.
The ball rolls and glides
with ease it swirls around sweet letters,
Or flies swift and hard,
digging grooves in the surface.
The paper is my skin
And I tattoo with nostalgia or vengeance.
Like therapy,
Like masochism.
An assignment.
291 · Dec 2014
Pessimist's Optimism
Aubrey Dec 2014
Flying down the sleet covered ground.The stop is suggested
and I flip off my brights to see the other directions' traffic
and I wonder,
'What will our kids think? How will they feel?"
I mean
ten years from now,
will we sit together for a family meal?
I mean, I get that you're angry and hurt and ****** off and, if we're honest, it's only a glimmer of thought in the vast sea of doubt that covers hope for you.
The feeling I feel when I walk in from work and I take off that shirt and see all of their smiles, I could walk for miles on that feeling. Endure torture, starvation.
I couldn't go back to that lower elevation.
I know you'd abhor me to hear that I mourn us, our future. But Justice is served with both eyes just like yours that drew me before, and I know you'll be sore for a very long time.
I always try to level the gravel with my moving tires in my driveway,
and I think, 'What would it be like, if we could be civil and happy one day?'
Has your sane worn too thin? Is there no salvageable man? Have you so lost your way?
289 · Jan 2015
Untitled
Aubrey Jan 2015
Seems my M.O. lately to flit away
a frightened wing
but the metaphor fails me.
Fear is not the word.
Intimidation comes closer.
Toying with phrases like
"meant to be,"
and
"creating reality,"
has left me only less jaded than
"God's will."
Maybe I should have heeded my own advice
and stayed simple a while.
I made myself a hypocrite,
speaking those words
before I could have known
they would one day be true.
How I spoke of myself so highly.
Gave myself all the credit-- undeserved.
10/25/14
246 · Jan 2015
Untitled
Aubrey Jan 2015
These hills and trees shelter me
Their valleys and shadows, comforting.
The fog fills in
it's covering,
healing these roots
and making them real.

I see them sleeping here between three places...
and my heart tells them,
"Your dreams are mountains
climbing high into the wispy clouds."

The seasons are changing.
The cold night is frost bite
to the balmy day.

I feel expanse in this beauty.
10/18/14
132 · Mar 2020
On that hill was a garden.
Aubrey Mar 2020
Red dirt ***** dogs
mawing mouthfuls of matted fur
with far more fervence
than the sunset behind them.
Here at the end of the road ...
"Watch this mom!"
I watch.
The trees, the falling sun,
this little boy, my youngest son
and these rust red, mud red mutts
who do not see the sunset slipping
dimming.
They don't see my eyes attempt to hold all of it, infinite.
127 · Feb 2020
Treacherous Teeth
Aubrey Feb 2020
My mouth is a monster,
howling down houses.
Rotting roofs are no match
for my madness.
Aubrey Feb 2020
Eat you up and drink you in.
I want you
The way I both fear and love the sunrise
The way that mo(u)rning is work
The way illumination
Is painful
And full of hope.
Aubrey Feb 2020
Biting back bile like
When I believed I could be born again and the bible was a buoy
Floating on whiskey breath.
I never could "be good" then.
The only absolution
Is slow execution
Dying the same way baseboards turn brown
The way cobwebs climb corners
Forgotten
Until they're ***** enough
To need attention.

— The End —