society thought she was faking her emotion to beg for attention
they forgot to take a glance on her signature fake smile she wears on her tired face like every single day without them realising
but she was judged for a day of mental breakdown,
expressing her inner self, and thoughts
the person she hid so well before,
and for being real
for being herself
for her fragile heart
for her wet face and dark circles
for her fear of people knowing things about her

my life is like a coin
wherever i goes
whatever happened me
as long im still existing
im still me
still the same worth
nothing can change that

your hands are shaking
your body are shivering
when everything starts to tremble
and you starts being disable
disable to do things
you should
or things
you are force to
having a heart but you cant feel
having a nose but you cant breath
it drowns you
and it was endless
because haters ocean are baseless

They will never learn how hard it was for you to wake up everyday with anxiety in your body and demons in your soul

They will never learn how hard it was for you to avoid yourself from asking too much questions that was running wild in your head till your palm felt damp from your anxious sweats.

They will never learn how hard it was for you to tell yourself that it will be okay till you even lost your counts of how many times you said that to your **** shaking body.

They will never learn how hard it was for you to avoid humans to calm yourself but have to face everyone in public when being a student is all about talking and meeting and presenting and representing.

They will never learn how hard it was for you to face everyone without feelings that the others thinking that you're a coward and a freak and not to forget, a ******.

They will never learn how hard it was for you to walk in public even just for 50 freaking meters and don't denied that you even try to figure out of how to walk that freaking meters without being seen.

They will never learn how hard it was for you to push aside of what you feels starting from a slight hurt to a ****** wound just to let your friends satisfied even when they were lying straight to your face and you actually know the truth.

They will never learn how hard it was for you to accept yourself or be yourself until they gave up and left and you became toxic and they claimed themselves as the know-it-all friends to others whenever something happens to you and not to forget, spreading your little depressed stories to others and tell them how hard they tried to change, I mean 'help' you to be better but it just you that never had the effort and just wanting attention.

They will never learn how hard it was for you to stand up for yourself and for the ones you love.

They will never learn how hard it was for you not to scream at yourself of how ugly you are, of how you hate yourself, of how you hate yourself for having anxiety and of how you try not to cry yourself a river and break the mirror every seconds you look at one.

They will never learn how hard it was for you to hold yourself from breakdowns when you successfully open up to someone until your friends met her in silence just to tell her to walk away from you.

They will never learn how hard it was for you to avoid yourself from searching the symptoms of anxiety and tried to deny the fact that you actually ticked most of them

They will never learn how hard it was for you to hold your shaking hands and legs below the table whenever you nervous until your breath hitches and everything turns black

They will never learn how hard it was for you to talk in public without going to the toilet the next seconds to slap yourself of how idiot you look in front the others

They will never learn how hard it was for you to not locked yourself in the bedroom and scream in the pillow and knock your head on the wall when everyone was in their deep sleep.

They will never learn how hard it was for you to hold yourself from stabbing your weak body with a knife every second you live

They will never learn, never.

Don't be afraid
You are not alone
There is someone out there
Waiting for you
And you don't even know

Take a look at the stars
One of it shines the most
What if
He look at it
The way you look at it
The same time as you did
Don't let the tears fall
Cause you don't even know

He was sitting on the rooftop
Thinking about you
Believe that fate will meet you up
Then they asks him
"Who are you thinking about?"
He smile and says
"I don't even know her"

Feels enlighten all the time
Going through something
That he afraid of
Or
Something he do believe
And
Something he wish comes true
What if
He wishes something for you
So dry your eyes now
Cause you don't even know

depressed with the world
so I'm turning hard..
hard and cold
I was alone
I got betrayed
having a heart of a stone
and hello
my emotions start to fade

take this pills
take this water
it give me chills
I feel better

it brings me rainbow
Brings me hope
my body feels numb and
I take over the globe

this isn't reality
and no one can see
so here take some this
my happy little pills

"in his heart now I hang low
dear my heart why you heal so slow"

get back up myself just follow the flow
God knows what's best for you
HE'S A PRO

how
just how
you can change
my life upside down
from the ground I stand
to the sea I drown
I wanna know
just how
just how

as you getting close
and closer
and i getting out
and out...
of breath

walking past me
confidently
i looked over
as you getting near
and near her
and you getting out
and out...
of breath
as your lips touch *hers

i hope for your hand so i can feel better
not a weight more, on my shoulder
i hope for your ears so i can tell
not become the joke of the town
because of your untruth spell
i hope for your legs so you can guide me when i fall
not to be kicked out and be your ball
i hope for your mind to be set
so all of your memories and history of me will be flat
knowing you are nothing but sadness, pain and full of regret

she** killed every part of me
she pulled me into a dark tunnel, away from the crowd
she would never let me choose
my appetites, my daily routine, my mind, I do as she pleased
she told me how much unwanted I am, how much hatred I received and how much flaws written on me
she promised me that I wont get hurt if I stand away from the crowd
but she make me suffer with insecurities and shutting me out
I became mute
I cant talk
my voices and soul are sinking in my body
I was trapped in me
I was trapped by her
in my own body
because she is anxiety

i stand there
watching over
like an idiot i am
hoping we are together
dying slowly
only idiots
like you
cannot see
how i wish you
tell me the truth
God just tell me
if
we aren't really
meant to be
so i can stop this stupidity
hopeless
**** curiousity
that brings me closer to you
God please
prevent
me

the soft cloud she step on now
is the heart she forgot to embrace
the cloud that never forget to raise her stakes
is the heart she never appreciate

her fear she faced on
is the darkness he brightened
the light he fixed with the blood fall from the cuts
deep down with glass pieces beneath his skin
is her tears he hold for her
he let it cuts and bleeds him
and
every
inch
of
him
for her

the soul that takes her pain away
is the soul that she slap away
and the cloud finally goes away
until she realise
that he is the
only
one who stay

but its too late
for her
to say the words
she
should
have
said.

realisation comes late
that's what people says

after all the false hope
giving more and more
until the mountain is too high
that i can't even get down

false direction
is where you led me
leaving me in cold
i can't find the key
the key to open
finally open the door
after years of waiting
so i can finally blend our soul

the door to your heart
the door that you locked
the door that only 'your girl' can open
and... the door
the door that will never open
if it was
**me

it was the fact
that I do hope for something
and it was the fact
that I love you and get nothing
it was the fact
that you want her
and it was the fact
that me, obviously
nothing like her

it was the fact and the fact
and no one can change a fact
yes only God can do
and I'm not a god
so what can I do ?

to the fire you lit
watch me burn
and now you will see
the part of me that keep burning
from all your words that changing me
changing my mind
changing my feels

and all the lies you tell
in your fire is where i fell
the magical power of your magical spells
and the power of your love
and now I'm sinking
you left me broken
and all the words I've been wanting
to tell to you
now left unspoken

People live lives in different ways
Choosing their paths
Searching for people who care
Trying to figure out if they still ...ARE
Walking in the past... or...
Finally ready to start
A new life
Finally getting the feeling
Of... Being alive

Nothing was right
And the right thing
Was nowhere to be found
Totally misguided
Messing up things that are
Already messed up
Darkening your own future
And darkening the inner self
Until what's left
Refuses to be found

Cannot even open your eyes
Without letting out
All of the negativity
For you... It would be
**** near pure insanity
Taking a chance
Can't even run from the pieces
That started to undo you
And you forgot
You forgot to take a glance

Losing all the pieces
Day by day by day
Waiting...
For your soul to be taken away
As your dreams are slowly faded
And then you are gone
Gone and totally wasted

-thrx

when I was young
question keeps going around
and around...
in my innocent head
will I stay carefree
will I satisfied of being me
will I still have my parents
for my children to see
and my trusted friends
will I find them
will I will I

will I learn the real
art of love
of how it makes your heart
races....
faster....
faster than ever
like in the movie
that I even forget how to breath
for a second
maybe a minute
or for how much time
I spend with him
You
will I find you
will I will I

will I finally learn
the ache of a heartbreak
that can't be heal
with words
with pills
will anxiety be so overwhelming
that I end up suffering
will I end up drowning in
the middle of the sea mom
will I will I

am I going to die because
of my counting ages
or what if
I can't handle the world
that keep falling....
falling right on me
So I took my own life
and my history ends up with a tragedy
will I survive dad
*will I will I

It just might be your sweetest talk
Or the way you laugh
The way you smile
Or the way you sacrifice everything
To make me happy in every way
Everytime
In just the way you are
It just how my name comes out from your
mouth that already can give me butterflies
or how you hold my hands like someone
gonna take me away from you
and makes me believe that
you won't let me go
but babe you just did