summer came pleasently to me, as I indulged in any and every thing without you.
i went out often,
reconnected with people,
rebelled,
enjoyed myself by poolsides and in bars,
smoked all day,
drank all summer,
kissed different boys,
met people,
laughed till i cried,
all the things that joy would be made up of,
but I also cried all night.
it's funny because no matter how hard I tried to ignore any emotions and face any kind of reality, i still broke down.
I tried everything I could to not think, but you somehow crept into my mind once again one late night, and I was forced to face my demons and deal with the fact that you are not mine, and you never will be.
I do not get these breakdowns anymore, I don't shed anymore tears, but I feel a hollow empty space in my heart of pieces that echoes louder every now and then, and I don't think even you can fix that anymore.
yet I think I'll miss you forever.

“you’re quite lately, you’re scaring me”
“why aren’t you eating?”
“you should sleep more”
“you’re forgetting yourself”
“are you crying?”
“you don’t seem like yourself”
“what’s gotten into you?”
“you’re different now”
“why’re you always alone?”
“you’re acting strange”

your hands left inky marks
on my skin
and i don't have any soap
all i can do is scratch and scratch
but it's still there
it's still there

i wonder if my name dances round and round in your head like a mantra
i wonder if it pops up in the middle of conversations, if you hear the syllables like a call to prayer
i wonder if it makes you wish you were dead
no; i wonder if it makes you wish i were dead
i wonder if you wake up in the morning and for a quick second you can't remember why you hurt
then loud and clear it shrills, ringing in your head, a reminder of your destruction
i wonder if they ask you why you look so burnt
i wonder if my name whispers itself into your ear but you stay silent
i wonder if it laughs when they tell you that love is the answer
i wonder if it cries when they tell you that love is the devil
do you stand straight like a soldier being called on to the battlefield
when you hear something that rhymes with it
or do you crawl into a hole within yourself and let the moment pass?
does it lull you to sleep late at night when the demons play
does it scream in your head when you're somewhere between life and death?
do you remember my name, my love? do you remember it soft, loud, and alive? do you remember my name, my love, do you remember it well? do you remember my name, my love, because it remembers you. do you remember my name, my love, because it has not forgotten you.

years later and i still can’t let you go.
i still remember that night in december long ago when i realized i loved you, and i remember the fear i felt because i knew this would change me forever.
i cried and i punched and i hated myself for letting myself fall for you, but before i knew it i was stuck in a dark abyss with no way out, and it was far too late, so here i am.
ever since you’ve gone, nothing feels real. its like i’m stuck in a dream state, and i’m waiting to wake up one day to your arms around me and the rhythm of your breathing.
it kills me that i haven’t seen your face and been in your presence in so long.
maybe i really never will get over you,
maybe you never will stop being the reason i do the things i do,
maybe there never will be an us again,
but you will without a doubt always be my last thoughts as i gaze into the pretty city lights and the twinkling stars.
a part of my heart will always be yours.
a part of my body will always be yours.
a part of my mind will always be yours.
a part of my soul will always be yours.
i will forever wait for you, and i know one day, if we ever reunite, i will fall for you all over again, and it will be as beautiful as the first time.