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doa May 2018
the birds chirping outside and the music playing in my earphones lead my thoughts to you. i realized that no one will ever replace you, and it terrified me.
before i knew it, there were tears streaming down my cheeks and an aching in my heart.
nonstop, vigorous, incurable aching.
doa Sep 2018
it's been nearly two years, and i am sick
i am so ******* sick of you
i could almost say i hate you
wait, no
i hate myself
i hate myself for being so naive with you
i hate myself for giving you every piece of me till i had nothing left for myself
i hate myself in so many ways i couldn't hate you
and i am infuriated with myself in so many ways i can't be at you
so *******
you've ruined me, demolished me like a building that people got bored of looking at when they found better
you've made me feel worthless in every sense of the word
my poetry has become repetitive about you
and i am sick
i am so ******* sick of you
doa Jun 2019
i laid next to him after we'd finished, we lay there half naked. he's on his back watching the TV, i'm on my side, leaning on him. i move my head as close to his chest as i can.

after i lay there for a while, i realized the ugly truth. this is not my dream. he won't hold me close and run his thumb up and down my arm. he'll just lay there, waiting to drift off, as if i'm not even there.

i gave up, i turned over to my side, back facing him, just thinking of how hollow i've become. when he finally does turn to spoon me, he loosely puts an arm over my waist, but i realize it's no use.

i'll always be empty.
doa May 2018
what you remind my senses of,

your smell: the scent of home,
your touch: holding ice for so long that it burns,
your sight: teenagers in the midst of their temporary happiness of youth, oblivious to the pains life can bring,
your taste: rose water after having a mint cigarette, always leaving a cooling sensation,
your sound: listening to cars passing a highway on a rooftop while listening to the 1975.

you will always be connected to my world.
doa Oct 2018
you're the only thing that makes me feel alive yet you're slowly killing me
doa Nov 2018
"i can't see you", you said to me the night we were in the dark after i turned the light off,
"hold your hand out, i'll find you", i told you.
little do you know i meant that far more than the literal meaning of it.
i will always find you in my world, even when you're not physically there.
i will always find you in my mind, even if you're quietly sitting in the corner.
i will always find my way to you. dark, light, thick, thin, up, down, anywhere.
doa Sep 2018
all i do now is miss you.
i ******* miss you so much,
i see you everywhere,
you live in my mind so busily.
all i feel now is a loss,
i can't stand it,
i ******* miss you.
i miss you i miss you i miss you.
come back to me.
doa Jun 2019
whenever i tell someone the story of how my cousin kissed me then proceeded to attempt to shove his tongue down his throat when i was drunk, they all tell how horrendous and inhumane it is.
how terrible and ****** up he is. i reply casually with, "yeah, it's bad".

how is it that others see more value in my own body than i do?
doa Apr 2018
months ago, i wrote poems about how i would do anything for you, how i want and need you, how i longed for you, how you caused both the puddles of tears on my pillow and the joy in my heart, but not anymore.
you have exhausted me.
you have crushed me.
you have drained me of all mental and emotional energy.
i have grown to know my worth, i have realized what i deserve, and this is not it.
i do not want you anymore.
i do not even wish to tell you all the things i wanted to, since you've probably heard it all from another girl,
all the talk about how you will always be a part of me, how i will always be there for you, and so on.
i hate how you're everywhere i turn, i see you in everything.
i hate how you took over me even in my dreams,
i hate how you didn't value me enough,
i hate you for making me feel like i am worth less than what i really am, i hate you for being the cause of my breakdowns, i hate you for not caring about me more, i hate you for so many things, but i do not hate you.
i hope you grow, i hope you learn, i hope you mature, i hope you find happiness, i hope you become more aware, and i hope you one day realize what you lost.
doa May 2018
although everything felt wrong, i had hope that you would make it feel right.
if anyone were going to fix me, i believed it was going to be you, so i ran to you,
and when i came to you,
you did what you can to mend me,
but it didn’t work.
if only you focused more on loving me rather than scattering your lust, maybe my heart wouldn’t be so empty with a mind so full.
doa Aug 2018
summer came pleasently to me, as I indulged in any and every thing without you.
i went out often,
reconnected with people,
rebelled,
enjoyed myself by poolsides and in bars,
smoked all day,
drank all summer,
kissed different boys,
met people,
laughed till i cried,
all the things that joy would be made up of,
but I also cried all night.
it's funny because no matter how hard I tried to ignore any emotions and face any kind of reality, i still broke down.
I tried everything I could to not think, but you somehow crept into my mind once again one late night, and I was forced to face my demons and deal with the fact that you are not mine, and you never will be.
I do not get these breakdowns anymore, I don't shed anymore tears, but I feel a hollow empty space in my heart of pieces that echoes louder every now and then, and I don't think even you can fix that anymore.
yet I think I'll miss you forever.
doa Nov 2017
my love for him consumed me, and not in a gentle way
not in the way one wants to imagine love in the sweet and pure form of happiness it is in the movies, but in a way that occupied all my conscious and unconscious thoughts, leaving me restless and in need of him, even though i could never have him
i am given a million reasons to walk away, but just the slightest reasons, like the way i feel when his arms wrap around me, give me reason to stay
or maybe it's the way his smile is brighter than any star this planet has ever seen,
maybe it's the way my name sounds when it rolls off the tip of his tongue so effortlessly in that voice that i love so much,
or possibly any other of the  million small things that magnetically pull me back to him no matter how much i try to leave
all he has to do is ask, and i will do anything for him
i will make the stars dance for him
i will make the mountains shake for him
i will make the oceans split in half for him
i will take away all the grief in him and put it on my own shoulders, for i cannot bare to not see his beautiful smile
if only he would open his eyes wide enough to see what is right in front of him
if there is one thing i can wish for, it is to have him in my arms,
his head would rest on my chest, and his arms would cling around my waist the way a child clings onto his mother,
our heartbeats will be synced and all other sounds in the universe will be ignored,
because in that moment, all that will matter will be our two bodies connected as one.
this is my dream.
doa May 2018
it’s true that he is my inspiration.
he is the reason i write and feel and experience.
he is in charge of the control center of my brain, controlling my every move.
if only he could say the same about me, everything would seem much brighter than the dark grey tint my eyes have painted over the world.
doa Jun 2018
the memories of us used to paint a smile across my lips and enlighten a spark in my heart,
now they illustrate tsunamis in my eyes and burn my mind
doa Nov 2017
all it takes is a kind word from your tongue of knives to spread a smile across my face,
a warm and engulfing embrace to make me feel at home,
a certain look and laugh to be the cause of my happy mood.
if only you knew all the control you had over me, maybe you would be more careful with my delicate heart
but for now, i cannot blame you, for you do not know
you don't know how my heart erupts when you say my name,
you don't feel how the energy that radiates from me when i'm around you could light up a nation,
you don't see how i smile when our memories cross my mind,
you don't hear the words i express when i speak about you.
i have never seen myself like this around anyone, and i have never seen any one else like this when they're around a special someone.
i wish you knew how badly i want to be near you, just for a moment, to lay down next to you and pick up the pattern of your breathing while you stroke my back and tangle your fingers in my hair as we speak about our fears and pasts and regrets and secrets.
it concerns me all the things i would give up for you, but i cannot help it.
when you are with me, my worries and sorrows and emptiness all melt away and boil down to a blissful peace
doa Nov 2018
once, i heard that artists are prone to mental illnesses; especially poets.
i looked up what it means to be prone to something, and it was defined as "likely or liable to suffer from, do, or experience something unpleasant or regrettable".
and it's true, i have been prone to mental illnesses since i was just 12, but i feel more prone to you than i do to the chemical imbalance in my brain.
wait, no, i'm wrong.
i'm not "prone" to you, because i wasn't likely to suffer from you, i was destined to.
you were always right there in front of me. even when i had someone else, you were always standing in the back, you were always present.
it's like my destiny was to suffer because of you. and although the aftermath is unpleasant and horrid, i can't call you regretful.
you've been sitting quietly in my mind since the day we met all those years ago, and you don't seem to be leaving any time soon.
doa May 2018
your face will always be the one i look for in a crowded room
doa May 2018
i've kissed so many people trying to find you in different bodies
doa May 2018
not a nerve in my body is able to let you go.
when i’m asleep, you’re in my dreams.
when i’m sober, you’re all my mind dances around.
when i’m wasted, you’re all i speak about.
when i’m lonely, your embrace is all i want.
how can’t you see how in love with you i am?
you’re every love song i hear.
you’re every fantasy i have.
you’re every tear i cry.
put me through hell and bring me back, just as long as you hold my hand through it all.
trap me in a room for hours with nothing but your company.
become my sanity rather than my melancholy.
prove my ideas of love wrong.
show me what it means to feel complete.
doa Oct 2018
in many ways i find myself relating to the sky.
when there's a thunderstorm for example, just because the rain and thunder have stopped doesn't mean that the sky isn't upset and mad and confused anymore,
she's just too tired to express it.
or when it's a sunny day with grey clouds. she tries to act okay, but you can see right through her mask of fake smiles and forced laughs.
or how she could be shining in the morning with radiance, but once night falls, no stars are bright enough to lighten up her darkness.
the way she tries to please everyone until eventually in the winter she breaks.
the sky and i are more similar than i thought.
who would've thought that one could relate to nature so much.
doa Mar 2018
a dream would be an understatement.
i remember so clearly how his eyes stared into mine as if they were connected to one another by a link.
i wanted more than the physical aspect of it.
i took advantage of the moment we had in silence, just us, no one else, no distractions, no issues.
he kissed me and my mind ran into a million different directions.
there is no doubt that i enjoyed every second of it, but i wanted more than just that.
i imagine that our lips felt the way two clouds do when they merge into one.
when i pulled away, i put my arms around him and i held onto him like a child holds onto a blanket they cannot sleep without. i clung to him as if i needed him the way a flower needs sunlight,
only he was not sunlight.
he was an eclipse in my mind. he occupied it and he controlled it with no notice, he destructed me with no intention to do so, but  behind that darkness, there was a beautiful light,
a light that would be responsible for my smiles and joy and sleepless nights,
a light that gave me positivity and a sense of being important.
in that very moment, with my hands around his torso, and his arms around my smaller body, my only wish was to stop time.
to be in that moment infinitely, to hear his heart beat only, and to feel our bodies press against one another, to have him all to myself in that moment, for it to be only our minds and bodies,
that is the moment i want to live in forever.
doa May 2018
"I feel so sad today, can you come over?"
"did I do something wrong?"
"what does she have that I don't?"
"how can you be so blind? how can't you see what I see in us?"
"do you think you'll always remember me?"
"am I not enough for you?"
"do you think i'm worth the distance?"
"why was our time never right? do you think it was fate or our teenage decisions?"
"do you wanna go on a walk with me?"
"what would you sacrifice for me?"
"what's kept you from not being with me?"
"why did you hurt me?"
"why don't you make more time for me?"
"why can't you be with me?"
doa Jun 2018
“you’re quite lately, you’re scaring me”
“why aren’t you eating?”
“you should sleep more”
“you’re forgetting yourself”
“are you crying?”
“you don’t seem like yourself”
“what’s gotten into you?”
“you’re different now”
“why’re you always alone?”
“you’re acting strange”
doa Jul 2018
so many times i’ve dreamt of you, but ever since you left, i’ve only had one dream about you.
we were laying on the bed we first made love in, and we looked deeply into each other’s eyes with care and interest.
our tongues didn’t waltz with each other like they used to, our hands didn’t grab at one another like they used to, our bodies didn’t compress close enough to each other to leave no space in between one another like they used to, instead our words sunk into one another like they used to.
we spoke about the changes that have occured since our fate split us apart, our new stories and memories and experiences that did not include each other. and we laughed.
and the sight of your smile was always my favorite, but this time it only hurt me because it was a reminder of a vision i’m now only able to see when you stumble into my dreams by accident when you're on your way to the other woman's dreams.
doa Jun 2018
everything means nothing now that you’re gone
doa May 2018
don’t you ever think that you were easy.
you were a piece of work, a task that needed constant action, an assignment that needed to be taken with caution, but i still did it.
i still loved you.
i loved you so unconditionally.
i loved you at your worst and your best and i loved your flaws and your mistakes and i loved your smiles and your voice and i loved you when you didn’t love yourself.
i handled you as if you were fine china, fresh and clean, even though you were far from such purity.
i dare anyone else to love you in such a way.
i dare anyone else to love all sides of you equally.
i dare anyone else to love you enough to sacrifice anything and everything for you the way i did.
i dare anyone else to love you well enough to know how to handle you.
i dare anyone else to put up with you even after you’ve made them feel as **** as you made me feel.  
i dare anyone else to love you enough to let you break their heart endlessly for the sake of being with you.
whoever she is, she won’t be half of me. she may have a brighter smile with eyes lighter than mine, she may have skin smoother and more beautiful than mine, she may have a laugh more admirable than mine, she may have a body more fit than mine, but she will never have a heart as big as mine for you.
doa May 2018
no one sees what i see in you.
they look at you and turn to whisper jokes about your appearance while i look at you to admire,
they hear you and hate on your tongue that keeps running while i hear you and hear something better than my favorite songs,
they touch you and feel disgust because of your uncontrollable wants while i touch you and feel every nerve in my body electrify.
so helplessly and desperately in love with you, i ignore the things i shouldn’t and chose to cherish the little things that gravitate me to stay until i find myself in ruins.
i’m internally lit up by a fire you set up in me, please don’t let me burn out.
doa Jun 2018
years later and i still can’t let you go.
i still remember that night in december long ago when i realized i loved you, and i remember the fear i felt because i knew this would change me forever.
i cried and i punched and i hated myself for letting myself fall for you, but before i knew it i was stuck in a dark abyss with no way out, and it was far too late, so here i am.
ever since you’ve gone, nothing feels real. its like i’m stuck in a dream state, and i’m waiting to wake up one day to your arms around me and the rhythm of your breathing.
it kills me that i haven’t seen your face and been in your presence in so long.
maybe i really never will get over you,
maybe you never will stop being the reason i do the things i do,
maybe there never will be an us again,
but you will without a doubt always be my last thoughts as i gaze into the pretty city lights and the twinkling stars.
a part of my heart will always be yours.
a part of my body will always be yours.
a part of my mind will always be yours.
a part of my soul will always be yours.
i will forever wait for you, and i know one day, if we ever reunite, i will fall for you all over again, and it will be as beautiful as the first time.

— The End —