'' So how many more sessions do you think we need?''

A question I thought would never be asked
I don't allow myself to think bad thoughts
I have my  knights in shining armour around me
Fighting off those bad thoughts with silver swords

'' I don't know...?''

She was always my saving grace
The one who kept me on the ground
Even when I wanted to fly away
My fluffy pink pillow with cotton candy scent

'' I'm thinking 10 more sessions ''

She is going to leave me
Alone with these thoughts
Alone with my emotions
Alone with my demons

''... Okay''

I've been in therapy every week
for almost a year
She did so much to help me
get rid of the monsters under my bed
and the devils inside of my head

'' You will be fine''

I'm not good at being on my own
I need someone to hold my hand
Guide me when there is no sunlight
Help me rebuild my castle when the walls break

''Sure''

Who am I going to be
Without a hand to hold
Without my knights
Without her

*I am scared to find out

sometimes
she touch my face
and correct my hair
a feel
a terrorist planting
bomb
in the second half
of the body...

I've stopped feeling
That's not true
I feel alone.
The roaring flames of my soul
Have been reduced
To dying sparks on the damp ground.
Music is just sounds to me now
And my favorite things
Are now just a simple way
To pass the time..
Until what?
Until I'm happy again?
Until the day I die?....
You might as well ask
A bird why it flies
Or a road where it goes
Because the answers aren't there
As much as I try
I can't find them
So I lay down
With my head towards the sky
And I scream at the heavens
Until I give up
And just die

Every time I look at the reflections of myself captured in the mirror,
It is as if,
I am looking at someone entirely different,
Someone that I am disgusted with.
Someone who has no purpose to care,
Or to be cared for,
Because of the way they were treated before.
Someone who has no need to think,
Or knows what to feel,
Because life is far to real.
And "love" is spoken of too much,
Much to often.
That dead end job that you are always tired of,
It barley pays the bills.
And your only escape,
Is through sleep.
So I ask myself "how are you today"?
And I lie and say that I'm ok,
So I can be left alone with myself.
Left out in the dark,
Like a falling star.
To see life for what it is,
Not of its hell,
But of its beauty.

Radiate your love
And brighten
The lives all
Around
You

I ascended the final set of steps
Leading to that ancient temple
The cherry blossom trees
Were just now blooming

There were no standing guards
As I had expected there to be
So I walked over the bridge
And opened the great wooden doors

The inside was dimly lit
Only a few hanging lamps
Illuminated another set
Of carved stone steps

I bowed and then continued the climb
The further I went
The more I became aware
Of a strange new aroma

the air became more dense
And as I noticed this
I realized there must be
Incense burning nearby

The sweet smoke filled my head
the end of the stairs were now in sight
And as I reached the top
I came to my journey's goal

She sat there in the center
Amid luxurious pillows and cushions
Her hair was sleek and black
And her kimono rich with color

Though her eyes were closed
She smiled and shifted elegantly
Her shadows flowed
In the low candle light

Before I mustered the courage to speak
I looked upon her for some time
She was the most beautiful woman
I had ever seen

She exuded power and knowledge
Yet looked no more than a young woman
I could only describe the aura she gave
As a sinister form of youth

Finally I bowed before her
To ask the question
That I had traveled so far
In order to ask her

Pouring out my soul I told her
How I had lost my family
Along with everything I had
And how I was now lost

I told her I felt
As though the sun itself
Was angered with me
And refused to show me its face

Telling her all these things
I began to cry
Though as I looked to her
Her eyes still stood shut

After a time of silence
She finally spoke to me
"The sun shines upon us everyday
Whether we can see it or not"

As she spoke her presence filled the room
To the point were I wasn't certain
If she truly sat before me
Or was watching from afar

The presence was unlike anything
I had ever felt before
As the presence grew
I began to forget my previous troubles

Her presence permeated my very spirit
Comforting and guiding me somehow
The air seemed thick and heavy
Laden with a strange sensuality

Not the feeling one has for a lover
No, this was a primordial feeling
The kind of deep seated love
That a god might have for their creation

With this thought I looked on her anew
She smiled once more
The light reflecting off her glossed lips
As she opened her Amethyst eyes

Why does my mind always work its way toward suicide?

I'm trying, I'm trying...

I'm trying to figure out me,
who I am in sobriety,
and every time I think I'm there,
I peel back another layer,
and again it isn't me...

So...

give me drugs,
I try to be spiritual,
give me a rope,
I try to find God...
give me *****,
I try to be selfless,
give me a smoke,
I try to reach out,
give me a razor,
I try to move on...
give me pills,
I try to heal inside,
give me a needle,
I try to feel inside...
give me thrills!
I try and I fail...

I want to give up,
I want to give in,
and one way or another,
I want to just sin..

the cup isn't half full,
the cup isn't half empty...

the cup is where I'm drowning...