I didn't have a voice- theirs were enough
I didn't reach for connections- their touch was enough
I didn't smile at the sun- their happiness took up all of the room
I didn't listen to silly stories- their tales were enough
I was labeled- freak

now their wheeling me away


blue and white lights dance in the street
facing the sky
I listen to their silence- finally
I smile- for myself
I touch my hand to the rhythm of my heart beat- I'm alive
I finally whisper, "I'm free"

he* asked me to remember
but he didn't realize,
our memories are shattered
pieces of glass,
one ***** of the finger- is all it takes
for the blood to show

because he asked
I wanted to

I'd pick up the shards, feel the pain
if only it meant feeling him again

I'd cry, I'd scream, feel the terror
if only it meant never being lonely again

but, I spent months bandaging up
forgetting his silly face

I can't give in

the blackness is demanding
its tearing at my skin
your hand is supposed to be gripping mine
because that's how it goes- how it's meant to be
but you're not here
~
the dark is squeezing, covering my eyes
I can't feel a thing
the air is ricocheting against my throat- it wants out
I've forgotten how to breathe
but, you're not here,
strong arms showing me how it's supposed to go, and gentle touches convincing me it's meant to be
~
darkness is in your place
and every night it returns
reminding me
what we had-
is buried six feet deep with your soul
in a casket, I'll never see
~
and I don't know how it's supposed to go, and I'm not convinced this was meant to be

you don't know the real me
.
.
no one does
and no one will
.
.
I'm always going to hide
I'm always going to lie
.
.
don't waste your time

he grabs my hips- and I'm by his side
he traces my skin- and I'm shrinking inside
he tugs my hair- and I'm convinced this is love
he bites my neck- and I'm high above

purple & dark blue
when I close my eyes,
ache and regret
when I tell them the lies

why did I let him
convince me
he was worth my time

why did I let him
touch me
cold hands marking every inch of me

why did I let him
see me
his crystal blues watching my every move

I'm trying to control the screams
but I'm covering my eyes
I'm trying to keep the tears at bay
but I'm scratching my cheeks
I'm trying to hear you're whispers
but I'm reaching the wrong way

I can't function

you're so close
but I'm so far away

i was crying for one thing
but then the tears wouldn't stop
i was crying for everything around me
and how I could not do a thing, but watch

she asks me how I am doing
but i cant tell her the truth
in those minutes the tears won't show
only a numb smile
with eyes to match