You make me think of my children
will they be cared for
the way you cared for me?

Will they feel like their house is a home?
Will they yearn for attention like I did?
Will they grow up unable to process their own emotions like me?

Will they have a father who can see past his own wants?

Will you be there for them?

I'm afraid of many things
the dark
ghosts
tight spaces
and even inch worms

But I never feared falling
in love
down the stairs
into the basin of a crater
or down a huge mountain

I believe in reincarnation
that we have many lives after this one
and many lives before this

And if I were to have a life before this one
I believe that I used to be a bird

One that jumped off cliffs
spreading her wings
and taking flight

I feel the urge to do this quite often
To jump
and spread my wings
flying off into space
or to a new home

constantly flying

but never consistent

Suppose it is true: occasionally I'd rather be dead
you go on and on about Radiohead
in your car or at the Yuba River
How many nights I would exhaust my lungs or watch as you punished your liver?

Don't you say anything you don't mean?

I look at you with admiration
Words fall from my mouth-
My hair clings to my face-
Between all things I find correlation

The river
hot and still
sits lazily at the banks

One foot in
and sinks into the mud

Ripples echo off of my ankle
and minerals solidify on my calf

Another step
and the water crawls up my thigh

The muddy waters reach my waist
and I sink
and I pray

The contents of the river are unknown
and I give all of myself to it

The sun burns my *******
my voice is raw
and my eyes are red

This is my worst form
and the river swallows me hole

It's been too long, and for that I am sorry.
The words I had to say
lost importance to me and
truth be told I
didn't think you were even listening anymore.

The long walks we took felt cheated by our shortcuts.
getting lost deep in the woods
just to talk **** and smoke blunts
I want to remember the way my body ached
from passing out on your floor
when it got too late.

We went to the water park
and it was closed.
she muttered "what are we gonna do?"

"what about something crazy? c'mon, you guys dare me???"
So I ended up with a Twin Peaks tattoo
and I know I left without giving it much thought.
but no, I haven't forgot
I'd take you along if you wanted to

I looked at the west coast
and whispered goodbye
as the view of home left my sight
I don't know when I'll be back
-or if even at all
and I might forget to write; but I'll always call.

My number's still the same
but now the bill is in my name
and I swear I'm gonna pay it
someday

I always want to run

Like a swan
floating so gently through the water
wading through the ripples
but at the first sign of trouble
it leaps from the cool iridescent pool
wings flapping heavily
flying away as fast as it can

I ran away from friendships
hardships
relationships
from my home
my family

I convinced myself
that I was brave
a lioness
ready to fight at the sight of any trouble

but I know myself
I run

Like a child
I leave a note
or say a short farewell
and I run
as fast as I can move
and as far as my legs can carry me

And with you
I wanted to run
Every pore in my body
on fire
wanting to run
anxiety coursing through my veins

I wanted to run

And yet I stayed
grounded
and after a moment passed
I just wanted to be closer

My body works so hard

it gets me up every morning
so that I may learn

and it continues throughout the day
despite the exhaustion that plagues my mind

and when I work
it keeps up the pace

in the mirror
it sags
has uneven shapes
and lumps

and often I find myself
wishing to have a more appealing figure

but I cry for my body
because it works so hard for me

and I do not appreciate
its perfection.

on a plane with rows of scared faces
first time flyers
exotic new places
but I'm going to east Texas
and I call you when I land
show me that taco place you love so much
you can drive slow, and I'll be holding hold your hand


I think if I was stuck for you for the rest of my life
maybe that wouldn't be so bad
we could hold hands when it gets quiet, listen to the echoes of our breath

I didn't bite my nails in your presence
you made me forget to be anxious
you're changing majors there's major changes and  
I wana paint a picture but I don't have a brush/ so I'll use my hands as you did once, I'll be gentile, loving, and smooth to the touch

It's a normal night,
and I,
got off my 8 hour shift,
feeling nauseous,
and
distant,
and I rode my bike back to my
house
but it's not really my house,
it's his house,
because I got evicted from my apartment,
and he took me in.

And I love him,
and he has never hurt me
the way you did.

I'm sitting in our bed
and the words are
getting caught in my throat,
because
I realize that I have no idea
how to have
a healthy relationship with someone.

Tonight we fought about
leftovers,
because I was going to eat
the food I made for us last night,
and he took it to work,
not thinking I'd mind,
and I was exhausted
and didn't want to cook again.
We fought about leftovers,
and these are
normal, silly fights
that normal, silly couples have,
and I love him,
and we share a bed and a home,
and our leftovers

and I think about how,
I will probably never fight with him
about kissing other girls,
or
making me feel worthless,
or
not putting his hands on me.

I think about how,
I trust him,
and how
he trusts me,
and how
strange that is,
because I have never known a love
that does not
make me want to **** myself
for not being enough
or being too much.

It's Monday night,
and it was a bad day,
in a bad week,
in a bad month,
and I'm waiting for him to come home,
because
he works late,
and when he comes home,
he smiles into my shoulders
and tells me how much he missed me,
when we had woken up next to each other that morning,
and will fall asleep together this evening.

And I think about how I love him,
and how
I have not known a love that is not possessive,
a love that is not abusive,
a love that does not make you feel like,
you want to take out your heart, and
set it on fire.
I have not known a love that does not,
ruin you.
Until him.

And I'm drinking wine,
to recover from my
long day,
but not to blackout,
not to forget who I'm in love with,
not to forget all of my petty
that only alcohol can dissolve.
And it has taken me time to not be
dependent
on poison to ease
my life.

I ate my dinner without wanting to
throw it up,
afterwards,
without thinking about,
the space it could take up in body,
without thinking how,
I will look in the morning.
And it has taken me time to learn how to
re-love
my stomach
and un-feel
all of the guilt that food used to cause me.

And it's days like today,
when it was a
bad day,
and I felt like it's weight
could throw me back in to
bad days,
but I made my dinner,
and I drank my wine,
and I thought about how far I have come in the past year.
in the past two years, three years.

There are still nights when I feel you ghost hands,
wrap around my throat,
and I still have nightmares,
about how scared I felt when I was with you.
There are still scars on my body,
and my heart,
from the places I've let
other people hurt me,
but I am growing,
and I feel myself getting stronger,
and my heart getting fuller,
and my eyes getting brighter
even on bad days.

.,