I remember reading your last letter
You told me your life felt different, you didn't know who you were anymore
You said the clouds didn't remind you of serenity anymore
You said the ocean didn't speak to you the way it used to
You said the coffee was more bitter than it used to be
You said my eyes looked different and you didn't like how that made you feel
You said I took you for granted, which is probably true
But oh God, when you left you took me with you...
I hate looking at myself in the mirror now, because I now see how much uglier I look without your arms around my waist
I hate waking up because it's another day I woke up without waking up to you.
Now all coffee tastes the same. It all tastes like your lips in the morning.
I go to sleep and pray that if there is a God, could (s)he take me to you.

But the truth is that even though you're gone I still feel like you're here.
I drive past our coffee shop and you're there.
I do math homework (your favorite subject) and you're there
I talk to your other friends and you're there.
I saw your mom at the grocery store and oh God there was so much of you in her. (or maybe vice versa)
Honestly I'm falling apart every single day. Every day.

I miss your jokes so much.
I miss how you'd get mad when I asked you to  repeat things.
I miss you making fun of me.

But now these walls are closing me in and I need to get out before I'm stuck in this black hole of my thoughts of you.
Stop suffocating me.
Stay away.
Because every time I hear our song it feels like I lost you again.
And I keep seeing you in my sleep.
This is the last time I will write you.
Let me move on.

But he was the ghost of my dreams.

You know I told Lana we broke up.

No she said you were ****** though. Astrid was sat
at her desk typing.

Yes I said I'm pretty ****** ******. I sat on the sofa
and hugged a cushion.

For ***** sake I thought you don't even care. Typing away
blissfully ignorant. I just ignored her after that.

You know what I thought I am allowed to be ******. Fo'real I have
every ******* reason to feel hurt by you. Especially after
what you did AGAIN! The typewriter stuck and you flipped the lid
to fix it. I just sat curled up in a ball.

I'm so done with your attitude and all your expectations.
I am allowed to need affection just as much as you do. The cat
jumped on my lap. As I pet his head he purred with
content. At least someone cares I whispered to him.

Just because I am forgiving too **** forgiving.

You finished the last lines. Rolled the paper off and
placed it next to the others. You then started another piece.

I can not believe Astrid is just sat here with nothing to say
to think you are the only one who matters.

And isn't it ******* good that my heart forgives easily I am always
saying that to Lana. Astrid's back is to me as I mutter
under my breath. She doesn't even notice.

I got up and went outside for a ***. The cat followed me as always
my faithful companion I thought. Ugh I was still ******.
I don't know how I trust you but I know I'll stay even though
I told Lana I was leaving  and I'll never tell you that I pinky promised
no more of your drama or your recklessness I thought.
As the cat circled me I blew out smoke rings one for each affair.

Baby I finished she called to me through the window. You wanna pour
us a drink. Of course I replied with a smile.

I was so *******!

  © Sia Jane

Searching
blindly in the dark
Feeling for your softness
and the embrace of your heart
Your eyes open like light
giving shape to my world
filling it with beauty
like spring petals uncurled
Murmurs of sweetness
drip from your lips
Pressing mine to your face
lingering...as the time slips
slowly into a sultry sunrise.
062415~7.18a

2:00 a.m.
and all i could think of was you,
you were like a recurring image,
constantly on my mental,
toying with my emotions,
while destroying the very foundation
i built to withstand your onslaught
of deception.
2:10 a.m.
i saw her enter my own personal sanctum,
only to be greeted with a warm kiss.
her aroma scented the entirety of the room,
she then slid her body gracefully across mine,
both our spiritually entities met,
we found the ultimate sweet spot,
for spiritual interaction.
2:15 a.m.
i couldn’t quite understand the game she was playing
was it even making love ?
or did she want only something for the moment,
lusting like if there was no tomorrow,
only to ask if i wanted more ?