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Sep 2018 · 461
Breathless
Angelina Sep 2018
I press the lit cigarette up to my lips and inhale.
I felt my lungs close up not due to the smoke filling them, but due to the aching pain in my chest and the pain I have in my stomach that began in my head.
It’s happening again.
Over and over.
My head is spinning while I’m trying to focus on my rapid breathing.
I look at the lit cigarette between my shaking fingers and realize it’s already begun.
Another panic attack.
I try to ground myself lookin at my surroundings, searching anywhere besides the images in my own head.
It isn’t working I keep repeating to myself.
It isn’t working.
It isn’t working.
As I search my mind desperately for anything that could distract myself from feeling like I’m being swallowed up, I begin to think of him.
I begin to reminisce.
I found comfort thinking about his beautiful chestnut brown eyes.
My hands stopped shaking when I began to think about his perfect jaw line you only see in movies.
I feel myself falling deeper and deeper into this memory of him.
I think about his smile, his laugh.
As I dream off I begin to wake up and that is when I realized.
I’m alright, it’s over.
I can breathe, I’m not shaking, I’m alright.
That’s also when I realized that you, are my comfort.
Jan 2018 · 171
Mattress
Angelina Jan 2018
I remember laying there on that bed the bed with one pillow directly in the middle of its rectangular shaped mattress. I laid there frozen in my own tracks and mind.
It was the first time I was t
ouched in those special hidden places.
Those forbidden places that were never touched before.
I beg you please be careful.
For I am afraid I will shadder under your fingertips into your palm.
Apr 2017 · 339
I can't speak
Angelina Apr 2017
These thoughts in my head,
Wanting to not feel this way anymore.
Needing for somebody to just reach inside, and find every little thing that I need right now..
But it's 3 am and I'm still awake.
I'm still laying in my bed staring at my clear boring wall.
Wondering if anybody truly knows how alone I am,
         and feel.
Apr 2017 · 313
Burial
Angelina Apr 2017
I wish I could have said more to you.
I wish the thoughts in my head would have traveled threw my lips and out to you.               When you were alive.
I count every day that is dragging by, remembering every single thing you ever did for me..
I visited your grave stone the other day to find something absurd.
There are rules to visiting your parted loved one.

1. You may not bring real flowers to leave at they're stone.
2. We will not clean the grave stone's off so if you wish to see the names of the beloved ones you have to get down on your knees and wash off all the dirt and grass.
3. If a grave stone is fallen over, we will not fix it or pick it up.
Absurd.
I have forever wished there was more I could say to this person oh so special to me. I cannot even bring her grave real flowers? I have forever wished there were more times I could have told this person how much I love her? So when I go see her grave stone, I get down on my hands and knees, and I clean off her grave stone, giving her the respect she deserves. And yes, I bring her real flowers.
Florence Center
Apr 2017 · 261
Genes
Angelina Apr 2017
You passed down your deep endless hazel eyes.
You passed down those chunky love filled cheeks.
You even passed down things I never would wish upon anybody.
I inherited your bipolar disorder and your anger.
I inherited the group selection of "more than likely going to turn out like her parents."
Statistics say I have more of a chance of falling down the same path both of my parents once did.
Two parents one daughter.
Parents resulting to drugs and alcohol.
Everybody is worried that I would have "that" gene.
I have seen first hand what all these things that YOU passed onto me can do and ruin.
Please, please take them back..
Apr 2017 · 294
Did you forget
Angelina Apr 2017
Did you forget that you were the person I looked up to?
You were always the man my father never was and never would be.
You were my protector, my provider.
So why did you have to do this to me?
I remember looking at you,
Standing over the sink, watching you wash dishes.
How can something so simply can be so memorable, and evil?
You were closing your eyes swaying from left to right..
Drifting off into your own empty mind..
I leave just to return to find that hours have gone by.
I can see your still in that same spot I left you in,
Eyes closed still in your mind, and dry cornered lips just parting.
Washing that one same dish you were washing hours ago.
Did you forget that you were the person I looked up to?
Then why did you let me down and show me you were just like the rest?
Apr 2017 · 1.3k
Unspoken Words
Angelina Apr 2017
Writing down these thoughts.
These words.
Imagining your wondering eyes.
Looking over and studying my unspoken words.
The things I could never say.
Or the things you never bothered to even ask.
You see I wish you knew more about me.
Not the normal questions.
But the deep unsensored questions about life.
What kind of tea do I like?
How many creams and how many sugars?
What is my favorite genre of reading and how many books do I have?
Which do I like better, sociology or psychology?
You will never know these answers.
Because you will never ask questions like these.
These unspoken answers will never slip threw my lips.
With these beautiful. Words.
Apr 2017 · 274
Imagine
Angelina Apr 2017
Imagine.
Deadbeat father and one outstanding daughter.
What if he won't show up today she says.
What if nobody cheers me on like the rest of the families she says.
      Terrified of not being good enough,
       Because the only person she cared about truly was her father.
Sickened of being let down.
A man who took the place of the father figure was an uncle.
      Strong-intelligent-prepared
Her name gets called for her outstanding award.
And strongly stands up on the stage that day.
     Unaware and nervous in the legs
     Looking down at her tied shoes
     Taking in all the details of something so simple
     Her father isn't there.
Surprised to look up at the audience.
The father figured man stands up and claps his hands.
A smile creeps up on her face.
To see the man so proud and happy with tears in his eyes.
She know knows there's nothing to fear with him by her side.
Apr 2017 · 674
Beautiful
Angelina Apr 2017
My heart wants to pull you in,
Feeling the bliss of knowing what your beautiful mind holds within.
My thoughts are putting together piece by piece what you are feeling or thinking inside.
Hoping that this will be something new and bright
What a beautiful beautiful mind.
My heart wants to pull you in,
But you see I have troubles within my mind.
The cruel monster that fills me up so very deep inside.
Making me think of everything that can go wrong if I just open up and show you what is inside.
My heart wants to pull you in,
The cruel monster anxiety pulls me deeper in.
Maybe he won't think your pretty it says.
Maybe he sees something better it says.
Maybe he will see all the flaws that you see.
Pause.
How can I let somebody in,
When the monster inside of me is crawling at the floor of my head to get out?
My heart wants to pull you in,
But my mind tells me to push you away.
Apr 2017 · 307
Mind of love
Angelina Apr 2017
Love isn't always
       sun filled and bright lights.
Love isn't always
        no pain and no fights.
Love isn't always
        clear mind and showing.
Love isn't always
        about knowing.
Angelina Apr 2017
She was born unaware of what life was or what life held,
You see her father taught her a lot when she was younger,
He used to hold her hand and walk her to the bakery.
Sometimes when they’d go he’d make her wait outside,
Or sometimes he’d walk into the bakery with her following right behind him in his footsteps.
Only the bakery wasn’t a place that made bread,
It was a place that used baking soda as they’re well known recipe.
This special bakery that the customers came in to every day,
Itching for this special recipe ripping themselves apart slowly and surely to get it.
Following her father in and out of bakery’s,
Seeing firsthand what makes these bakery’s so special.
The recipes from these bakery’s were all the same,
But little did she known the recipe was crack *******.
She got a little older when she started seeing her father on the weekends,
She was about five when her father stopped holding her hand to walk to these bakery’s.
But now her father was the baker and the house she stayed at was the bakery.
All the new people she met,
All coming and leaving with the same thing that they all craved.
Her cousin started staying over every once and awhile with her,
This started to get fun with all the excited people around.
Her father’s mother knew a lot about baking,
Because she was a loyal customer for years.
Customers started coming over more and more.
She wasn’t even six years old when the man approached her,
Moving slowly towards her untouched body.
She felt his fingers move in places nobody has touched before,
She tried to move him away and cover the revealing places his hands were at.
He wouldn’t stop no matter what she tried,
The one thing they never told you,
Was that the addicts daughter was molested that day,
At the unaware and now ashamed age of five.

— The End —