I loose weight as though my body,
is a sculpture made of ice,
being carved away,
until all that is left,
is the pool of water,
under someone else beaten down shoes,
I look at myself,
as if the camera can never stop adding a few pounds,
as if suddenly my reflection is too big for the mirror,
and that even though I try,
I will never fit into the image I have sculpted for myself,
that being nothing,
is something,
and something is too heavy,
I cringe every time someone gives me a compliment,
because it is never about my size,
their words compliment everything but the elephant in the room,
and that elephant is me,
I can’t even let myself see,
that counting calories,
like bullets in a gun,
playing Russian roulette with my mind,
how many days can I waste away,
without dying,
or better yet,
how long until I don’t have to wear,
the burden of living

I don’t know why,
a tear falls from my eye,
onto a face that can’t see its own beauty,
I cant comprehend why a scream,
escapes a mouth,
that masks a smile,
like her life is a trial,
and she cant escape,
I can’t wrap my bruised mind,
around why god gave hands,
to a body so broken,
all it wants is to take away the pain,
then cover it up because society shames feelings,
I can’t fathom why,
a brain was given to a body,
that doesn’t want to try to survive.

I want to help others,
but first I need to learn,
how to stop myself from breaking,
at the slightest twist and turn,
I need to control the emotion,
that turns my smile,
into pain and steals the light,
that once gave me sight,
I’m blinded by the cuts that cover my waist,
hidden by clothes,
that hide my insecurities,
make sure none of my hurt shows,
so I can protect the people I love most,
from catching on,
to my broken soul

there isn’t a song out there
to describe how i feel,
because i don’t know
if I’m feeling
or breaking
or both.

my insanity falls
my innocence falters,
my grades drop
my days fade,
into grays i never knew were possible,
this high was a new low,

and my smile has holes,
my eyes don’t shine,
you could say I’m on the borderline
of who I am,
and if the sun don’t rise,
its because my life,
didn’t wanna try,

and my soul fades into run on sentences,
and drips it life through paint,
my pen breaks then paper ,
as my heart breaks inside,
i feel worthless and useless and dont want to try to survive.

my nights fade to mornings ,
my mornings fade to day,
insomnia always wants to play,

and everytime someone says hey,
i struggle,
rack my brain for something to say,
so i don’t stand,
my head there,
but my mind astray,

and when i come down to earth,
from my tantalizing ride,
though my thoughts
ponder into the dark side,
i say I’m ok and i really try,
hiding who i am,
its me I’m trying to find

even when I accomplish,
things worthy of your praise,
your acceptance,
your love,
my battered heart,
gets beaten down,
my success gets thrown far afield,
because you can't be happy for me,
or accept me,
for the intelligent young women I have become,
to you I’m still the nieve child,
who didn’t learn from your mistakes,
like you wished I had,
Instead I took all your regrets ,
and ran to the ocean,
blue as my soul,
you watched in silent pain,
and a muddled mind,
as they fell from my hand,
because believe me mom,
your just playing pretend,
if you really think my life,
will be sin of flaws,
a perfect child,
for you to put pressure upon,
I try my hardest,
yet I’m just a faux pas,
i act to please you,
but nothing i do,
will ever bring joy to your face,
because in the end i was a giant mistake,
who took happieness from your life,
thats why you take it from mine,
and why in this family,
my insanity wavers on borderline,
between deranged and trying to survive,
yet , you laugh and you smile like everyone else,
but i see your mask,
do you see mine?

i thought i was over
the heart wrenching slew
of worry and doubt i put myself through
but then i go and do ,
what every girl does,
i like him again without a precedented cause,
and he talks and talks,
whines and whines
about who he likes
time after time,
but somewhere deep ,
dark and lost,
a spark of a flame has outrun the exaughst
and my body relapses and so does my brain,
negative thoughts leave a stain on my heart and my waist,
but make no mistake,
i suffer with tape over my face,
by now i know my place,
i’m not good enough to be his spark,
his flame that has not outrun the exaughst.

I cant do it again,
I only began to feel alive,
and it was so easy to pretend,
that everything you had forgotten was,
well.. temporary.
How could i not notice that you started to forget what i had said,
that repeating my self had become a common occurrence,
I cant do it again,
feeling as though my time with you,
was a heart machine i couldn’t view,
and when you flatlined,
i would fall to my knees,
but a prayer won’t save you,
god has no mercy,
I cant do it again,
I don’t want to dress in the color,
that absorbs happiness and hides emotion,
I don’t want to be encompassed by sunshine,
but feel darkness wherever I walk,
hear about you,
but not be able to see you,
see pictures of you,
but not be able to take one of you,
I cant do it again,
not only I had a wounded heart,
you didn’t just hop off the side of the boat,
but you sunk it,
with everyone waiting on the deck,
hoping that you would come back,
we all knew you had shot a hole,
in the side of the boat,
and as the water slowly inched its way,
from the bottom of our feet,
all the way,
above our heads,
we stayed standing strong,
holding each others hands,
as silence and sadness ,
greif and worry,
flooded our minds,
but don’t worry we survived,
we remember your story ,
every day,
constantly living in your memory,
even though you couldn’t,
but i cant go through it again,
I cant go to school every day,
waiting for a call to the office,
hopping they won’t have anything important to say,
because that would mean it was all ok,
but silently hoping the day had come,
because that day all your suffering would end,
and you’d go into the white light,
see your mom and all your friends,
but if there is one thing i know for sure,
is that I can not do it again.