i told him i loved him and he told me to *******. upon seeing the hurt in my eyes he said 'love has never been anything but pain to me'. he walked away never bothering to look back to see that i was still trailing behind him. from the very first day i saw him, this boy with such a menacing look in his eyes, bleeding knuckles, clenching fists and cuts on his cheek. i've decided i wasn't ever going to give up on him, i knew exactly what i was getting myself into and never was there a doubt in me not even for a heartbeat that he wasn't worth it. somewhere between the snide comments, indifference and emptiness in his hollow laughs, i could have sworn i saw this sweet little boy full of innocence in his eyes reflecting nothing but hope and yearning for love. i want to be able to reach him. don't get me wrong im not trying to bring back that little boy, as he was long gone the moment his innocence was ripped from him and torn to shreds, all i want is to make him feel he can trust me enough to open up, making him feel comfortable enough around me to break down all his walls and show me the beautiful person hiding behind this facade of ignorance and destruction.

the other night i dreamed i was holding him in my arms hearing his heart beat just the way i imagined it would feel like when our skins touch. he smelled so good something like the combination of everything i've longed for and the comforting smell before rain. but all too soon he started to fade and everything else turned into gray, i didn't want to wake up so i held on to him as tightly as i could clutching his shirt helplessly whispering "please don't go" over and over like a mantra but i still woke up in tears and my heart breaks everytime i remember none of it was ever real.

woke up at 6pm realising i've slept through  the day feeling like ****. and this time it feels like i have had enough. wanting to just kneel infront of my parents beg for their forgiveness, tell them "mom, dad, i'm sorry. i am so sorry i tried i swear i really tried but i can't fight this any longer. i'm all worn down and i'm too tired now. i'm sorry for everything. i'm sorry", pack my empty bag and leave everything behind. go wherever the tides will take me. cause i'm far too tired to fight anymore.

if i was destined to end up with someone else i will live with guilt and hate myself for the rest of my life because i will never be able to love him even a fraction as much as i love you.

a friend once told me, that while you sleep your soul wanders around and if you wake up in the morning it means that your soul chose to come back.

it made me think, what if your soul is trying to find itself, as lost as you think you are too?


and sometimes i can't help but think, that if you love your soul, why don't you set it free?

if you stand in an old forgotten cemetery in the hours of darkness when the full moon illuminates the cold grave stones you'll hear soft whispers of the dead weeping over all of the things they never did

it feels like im inhaling broken pieces of him each day sharp little fragments that puncture my lungs and fracture my rib and my heart is covered by dusts from the empty promises he never made