I try to push it away,
the angst in my heart and my overwhelming desire to run-
run far away from whatever makes it hurt so much to be alive
and the only thing that makes it worth living
is being outsourced and ostracized
and I can't seem to shut out all the negativity that comes with it.
In the dead of the night as the sun rests easy on my side of the world
it is working twice as hard somewhere else
and the moon continues to remind me of that.
Resting is never in the plans for the sun and the moon
and the ocean and the sands
because the sun always rises and sets
and the seas always reaches out for you to touch it
and I think that's what we both have in common..
always wanting to be felt and seen and touched
just admired and appreciated
for these tides make the world a better place
and these hands make your world a better place
I don't mean to be bigoted when saying that-
It's just the light in my life was dim
before you went and changed me
and yours was scolding with heat
so no one would ever want to try and change it
but hands heavy, and fingers that have written about darker days
I took the chance and changed you anyways
and now our days spent together are filled with light.
We are no longer two dimly lit rooms-
because there is me and there is you
and together we make mountains
glow upon the sunrise
and darkness seems just like a distant memory.
My hands press these keys so vividly
like Beethoven and his symphonies
and moonlight drifts through the air
like a silhouette and we dance with our bodies intertwined-
because I am yours and you are mine
and this darkness doesn't exist much anymore
only on days when the mind that writes these words
can't think of ways to write the inner demons away
but I know when that time comes
and I want to drown in the seas that once saved me
I will remember you are here with me
and we can float together to make oceans
of what we have been through and just swim.
Just swim until we know we are at our destination
because we are no longer two dimly lit rooms-
we are spotlights and sunrise-
the florescent shine in your eyes
when you're awaken by a brand new day.
We will eventually burn out-
but worry not because when the time comes
we can change together.

I would like to explain to you
how my insides burn down the cities within myself
I have spent days and weeks and months trying to rebuild
from the last time I set myself ablaze
but I cannot.
These hands cannot grasp yours and guide you into my dark mind
all the while still trying to hold onto any sanity I have left-
these knuckles are bruising and you can see the scabs
but you don't seem to realize how they got there..
This heart is aching and you stare and wonder-
how the **** it got so exhausted..
I could try to show you exactly how I feel
but your eyes would be blinded by naivety
and your desire to act like everything is okay
when it's not, when I'm not-
I'm not ******* okay.
And I can continue to write it down
until my fingers wither away
and become one with this keyboard
until my pencil fades and all that's left
are the marks from where I tried to erase everything-
these feelings are not made out of ink.
I can't just put them on a page and show you
I can't pour out the ink and make something beautiful
you will never know what it's like..
I was never really good at explaining things-
like the way you make me feel
or the color of your eyes when the light hits them just right
but I think I'm getting pretty **** close.
And you see this mind of mine
is more like a maze nowadays
because I can't get through to other-side
to find where the **** my happiness lays
and I think it's ******* hiding
because it's afraid of what I am capable of.
Because the last time I found it
I sat on top of my roof at 2am
looking at the stars and laughing hysterically
at every single passing car
because it reminded me of my life.
The last time I found it-
I tried to take it and fall in love with someone else's lonely
but you see that **** nearly destroyed me and my happy
so now I think my happiness is afraid of me-
and I think I'm afraid of my happy...
Because without my sadness and this pain in my gut
that causes me to sit here and have to explain to you
that I can't make this **** go away-
**** even the FDA can't make this **** go away...
it keeps me thriving and hoping and clinging
to this pain in my gut and these thoughts in my head
reminding me that at any moment I can die-
wither away like I don't give a **** about my life
but what good is that
when it feels so ******* lovely to be alive?

I would like to take a paintbrush
across your eyelids and paint for you
what it is I'm going through.
Maybe take a picture so you can remember
this battle I face everyday
as the emotions I posses weigh you down
and as the words "this is too much for me to deal with"
leave your lips and you wish you wouldn't have signed up for this-
I hope you remember what it felt like to wish you would die.
I hope you remember that everyday is a struggle for me not to-
I hope you remember loving myself isn't easy either.
I hope you remember as I carry the weight on my shoulders
the burdens you carry on yours
that my life isn't a cake walk
it's more like walking on a gravel road barefoot
and although I may not suffer as much as most
that doesn't ******* mean I don't suffer.
I have spent most of my life cradling the idea of betterment
in my arms and making sure the people around me were safe-
I have spent too many years-
taking care of who should be taking care of me.
Now it's my turn to take care of me-
So don't you dare ******* say, I'm not trying.

Someone once told me-
"you have too many problems for me to deal with"
and as the words made their way down my throat
into my stomach making a mockery of my digestive system
I was shaken.
The butterflies in my stomach wanted to fight back
tell them that "these problems are who I am so *******"-
but my mind shut out the butterflies and began thinking.
Tore apart who I was inside my own mind
my eyes began to water as they were looking into his
but I laughed instead of crying and didn't let my insecurity win
No, not that time- so I replied
"everyone has problems"

The boy I love once told me-
these feelings I possessed were more like a "burden"
rather than the blessing I made them out to be
and the butterflies began once again
demanding to be heard until the regurgitation made me listen.
I stood upright, cried until my knuckles bled
this was happening, all over again.
So I changed myself for someone who I thought
knew who I was and as the times changed
the darkness fell upon me much sooner than expected
and the love I thought I felt for him almost vanished.
But I realized I cannot push everything into someone
who doesn't want to carry the burden with me
and although the weight is heavy
I have carried it 19 years alone and struggling...
And yes, I now carry your weight with me too
on top of these burdens I own yours are not too far behind-
because with love comes sacrifice and strength
and I guess I'm just stronger than you.
So thank you-
for showing me the one thing I always really knew.
These emotions and struggles I possess do not make me weak-
I am not the burden or the nuisance around your neck
I am strength and the light that comes with early sunrise.
I am stronger than most and it scares people.

So as these problems shake me,
push me to the edge and tell me to jump-
I will clench my teeth as I clench the bottle
and I will clench my fist as it hits the wall.
I will remember the hole I just created
is a reminder I am strong
the bottle I just threw to the ground
is a reminder I am strong.
The silence of my cell phone
when everything is going wrong
and you have just too much going on-
is the constant reminder, I am strong.

There will be no version of me you will ever think to admire
as your hands grasp my words and alter them as they leave
I realize this was never how I wanted this to turn out.
Your words to me are like waterproof mascara
running down and staining my cheeks-
you're the opposite of what you promised you'd be
and you make a mockery of what makes me feel so beautiful.
You showed me what it was like to actually feel something
and now I remember why I never did in the first place.
I seem to be at fault for all the faults you think you carry
and this misplaced insecurity is now our imminent demise.
I don't feel anything anymore.
Remembering what it feels like to be in your arms
seems to be a distant memory
and sometimes I want to keep it that way.
I am tired of making myself small so you feel bigger-
and I am tired of using all my strength to light your world
when you insist on living in the darkness
and never giving yourself enough light too see-
that I'm walking away slowly.
You can either run to me, or watch as I leave-
because I am more than you make me out to be
I will no longer be your nothing.

you spoke to me words like poet-
made me second guess every decision that leaves my lips
and as the staggering giant that is my mistakes
shades the sunlight from my life
I still find a way to see the sun sometimes.
I try not to break-
try not to let the world see me shake
and tremble from my fear of tomorrow
but these nerves they get the best of me.
As I am slow dancing to Sinatra
I remembered the way you looked into my eyes
and the things you said to me.
How I wished the dance floor
was a time machine so I go back
and do it all over again.
Just you and I-
but I know the look in my eye
must still show you the same way I've felt
each and every single day since I met you.
Hands heavy from being the weight you carry
heavy in your heart and even heavier on your sleeve
I am blissfully naive and I wish I couldn't see
they way you look at me anymore
because it hurts too much
when I want nothing but to become one with the sky.
So fly me to the moon,
and let me live amongst the stars
because the look in your eyes
saved me from a lot of tragedy-
but don't let me be your downfall.
I don't want to be your downfall.

I try to let these words I speak come to me
bloom out of my fingers like someone long ago planted seeds
hoping they would flourish out of me
so I could write everything you need me to.
But this heart holds more regret
and these eyes have seen more destruction
than any garden could possibly uncover.
And see that's the trouble
the only time my fingers feel at home
is when the tragedy masks the happy
and the depression nooses it way around my neck
turns the whites of my eyes red and makes me remember
the reasons I started writing in the first place.
I'm a little too close to happy and I wont ever get there
I just reach out my hand to touch it
and it runs back to it's save haven
as I run back to mine because I fear what I may find
in the dark of the night-
the silence of this room is my impending destruction
is my masterpiece and my corruption.
Its my sin and my sanity in the same exact second
and I've used that line twice now but it's the only way to describe
how I am constantly crying on the inside
crying out for that happiness that runs away when I touch it.
The happiness that wouldn't even remember my name
if I did in fact learn to love it.
So what now?
These hands hold on to the idea of becoming better
and these fingers write it out like an apology letter
but you remind me time and time again why it hurt to be lonely
and I knew I would never truly be happy.
I learned that the day someone started loving me
and it somehow still wasn't enough to ensure my insanity.

When you're running down hill, you have to keep pace-
keep running while keeping your balance so you don't trip
land face first into the dirt and wish you would've just crawled.
This life isn't born to be crawled upon
so run, run as fast as your feet can take you
towards the places you want to be
towards whatever the **** makes you happy
because who the **** wants to be me
hanging on the edge of the cliff clinging to anxiety
but I wouldn't change it for a ******* thing
because this, this is my normalcy, this is my version of happy.

It's funny how we keep things bottled up,
in the dead of the night, dark of the room
the razor was to my wrist again-
it demanded I paint these secrets across my skin
and feel the blood rush to the open wound I caused myself.
Then I looked up and saw myself in the mirror
sunken eyes and hollowed demeanor
this wasn't me.
The light in my eyes was dark again
and the blue where I used to be was now just gray.
So I dropped what was holding me hostage-
and I turned to the pills instead.
I took one, down the hatch it went.
My breath stayed shallowed and harsh
as if my lungs were crying with me.  
I looked down at the bottle
poured it's contents to the floor and counted-
is ten enough to **** me?
I took another.
is nine more enough to **** me?
I didn't want to know.
So I held the pills beneath my fingertips
as if they were the grim reaper
and I put them back in their place.
Nine pills all back in their happy little bottle-
I realized they held more power in my life than I did.
So I broke, threw the bottle and broke the wall.
Then silence.
The only thing I heard were the thoughts in my head
and the silence of my cell phone
that I wished was ringing out to help me.
But I was alone again.
I hadn't felt this low in so long-
but this time no one was around to care.
I thought about how I could end it
and I probably wouldn't be found
until three days later.
As the sun sets and rises, sets and rises, sets and rises again
I would be one with the sky
and I wonder why the **** I want so badly to die-
because the past two weeks of my life
I finally felt ******* alive
like I could breath again-
like anxiety took a vacation with depression
and left me with the optimist to babysit.
But I guess their vacation was short-lived
and they came back-
made a mess of what I had built for myself
what I had been working so ******* hard for.
Chaos.  

So in short, I wanted to **** myself last night
thought of all the ways I could do it-
but then I saw the faces of the people I love
and then they were masked by all the pain I've caused
then that was masked by all the people that hurt me
so my knuckles repeatedly kissed the punching bag
until they bled onto the white cloth like decoration-
I was an artist.
The medicine kicked in-
sleep kissed my eyes and made my mind foggy
and I began to think about all the good things again.
I remembered the way silence was my favorite melody
and I drifted into the nirvana I was hoping for.

It's funny how we keep things bottled up-
because the silence of my cell phone
made me realize how strong I really was.
The secret I keep of last night reminds me
how many secrets are able to be kept.
The war raging inside me isn't one you win or lose-
It's the kind you have to fight in order to survive
even if no one even knows it's inside you.