geez, man
i just want to
go to sleep
but your request
is hammering away
at my brain.

what can i say?
a person does not know
the face of determination
until they have seen
you expertly
wielding that truck
around town.

prompt.
efficient.
i would venture to say
nice, even.
a scholar and
a gentlemen.

grab another
cup of coffee man,
and update us
on your way out.

oh look,
you're back again.
and thanks for
all the boxes.

something has
    l i f t e d
or at the very least,
- shifted _

not sure
of the date
of enrollment

but i suspect
i've been
the secret leader
for awhile now

i am
the bringer
of light

the harbinger
of death

and you
cannot
surprise me.

i'm not sure what's going on.
i think i am always
deeply in my own mind
or in yours
trying to figure you out,
all of you.

and there is nowhere else
for my awareness to go,
it's just there,
opened,
listening,
all the time.

but who is
listening to me?

money is about priorities,
and this may not be apparent
until you barely have enough
to get by.

to many children,
it is like magic.
it appears in other people's hands
and gets you
things you WANT.

not until you are a teenager
do you realize that there
are some things you WANT
not just for fun,
but because these THINGS
shape your life, are essential
to your way of life, and are
felt as NEEDS.
a car.
lipstick.
phone.

then money becomes
abstract, once again.
credit card.
student loan.
car loan.
it's what people do.
no one sits you down
and helps you figure out
how much those student loan
payments are gonna be in 10 years
with such and such an assumed salary.
with so and so bills.
you are 18.
you don't have a clue.

the illusion will
eventually come crashing down.
the abstract
becomes concrete,
and the math doesn't
add up.

that's if things go well.

what happens if things
don't go as planned,
as they so often do not?

you may just plummet
into an unfathomable hole.
(it's really not as hard
as you might think.)

and in this state,
you realize money is
about priorities.

if you have no credit cards,
and no savings,
you only have exactly what you earn.
and what you earn may not reflect
your years of experience, work,
and education.

then what?
you choose.
you prioritize.
and i don't mean, oh
should i go to the bahamas
or iceland this summer?

i mean,
shelter.
where can i live?
can i afford to live anywhere
on my own?

transportation.
if i don't have a car
i can't get to work.
if i can't work,
i can't live.

food.
how can i make
this little bit last 2 weeks?

pay the electric or the gas?
because i can't pay both.

cable? internet?
pick one.

new clothes?!
ha! doesn't make the cut.

doctors?medicine?
good ******* luck
with that one.

someone asks you to go out,
for a birthday, just for fun.
you break into a cold sweat
trying to figure out if there is
any possible way to act like a normal
human being and go out.
there might not be, and you will have to say no.

the government would like
their loan money.
it's simply not possible.

it's christmas.
what are you gonna do,
not pay rent for a month
in order to get presents?

and you hear people
give you ridiculous advice
for a situation they
have never experienced.

just don't have a coffee.
or color your hair.

just get another job.

because they don't see
that what they are suggesting
is that you take away
the smallest, maybe only
pleasures in your life.

or that you are literally
one costly repair away
from being homeless.
carless.
jobless.

it spirals quickly.
and if your masters degree
can't get you out of poverty,
but has actually made it worse,
what is the answer?

sometimes it doesn't matter
even if you do
*all the right things.

dreaming of the
pale
   blue
      dot
when cast among the stars
look inward
for the enemy
look outward
for your love

it's hard to admit,
but i think
we only do
what we want to do,
and nothing else.

long days and nights
that you haunt my heart
chest at once contracting
then heaving
a sick empty pain
and there is no way to escape
there is no room for hope
there is no way to happiness
there is no way to you.

not worth
my love

not worth
my spit

not worth
one second of
my wasted life.

the wraith from
stargate a t l a n t i s
scare me
the
most.

new layer
duplicate layer
link layer
hide layer
flatten layer

yet the only true layer
is the transparent layer.

why you gotta be so mean?
despite my hopeless creative knocking
dead air
is
dead air...
   just why you gotta be so mean?
   simplifying explanations
    to the point of
     a b s t r a c t i o n

why even pretend to decide
whether or not
to lock
the memory
in?

i think i need new words
...a way to describe
    the level of
  dumb-assery
i find myself wallowing in

it's just that
i'm so certain i'm right
yet i know
   i am so
               so
                   so
                       so
                           fantastically wrong
so brilliant and pathetically blinded
   but oh,
               no, really...i am certain
               ...an excellent judge of character
because clearly,
   i am not the *******
    but oh!
    arguing with myself is
           so exhausting
           putting on a world-class act
a soul crushing mind drama
    ...is too much for a person

but admitting to oneself
that one is a *******,
      the likes of which the world has never seen
      is **** near impossible
you must wrap yourself in rightness
you must
           or you might lose your grip completely
you must hold in your mind
possibilities of forgiveness
       degrees of blindness
   levels of dumb-assery
or all hope is lost.

you must look at the blue glass
or the ink on the paper
and light the candle
  ...and listen to the music
because you are you
and you are dumb.

one spiteful thought
lights an inferno of rage
difficult to describe
d i f f i c u l t
      to craft into something useful
strange to observe
respect
u
   n   r
a  
  v
       e    l
watch admiration get
spoiled by greed
a wretched sense of self
  a sickening thoughtless mind
existing in the world with love
is not beyond all of us

there is me,
trying to reach you.
and there is you,
caught in a web.

that combination of
bright sun and rain
low, moving clouds and
Korn.

(you are so silly & unpredictable)

today, instagram accidentally
informed me
that congratulations are in order.

but instead of congrats,
i will share wisdom for her, not you:

when he goes into a rage
that scares you so much
you lock yourself in your bedroom
crying and shaking,
and he screams
"****!"
and punches the door,
you should probably call it quits.

when he starts listening to different music
and using words and phrases he normally doesn't
that means he's cheating on you
with a "friend"
"he has no interest in"
whose house you once stayed at.

maybe he didn't mention to you
that he finds pregnant women's
bodies repulsive? or maybe he
just changed his silly little mind.

your effort
your love
your support
and your sacrifices
will = 0
when he has decided
he doesn't feel like
"having the kind of life"
you have painstakingly built.

he has no loyalty.
promises mean nothing.
he lies.
he sneaks.
he is mean.
and selfish.
and will utterly destroy you
when he feels like it.

just so you know,
he is capable of
discarding a partner in life
of 14 years in an afternoon,
never to be seen again.

you really got a winner.

and you best not be surprised.
cuz i'm raising the red flag for you, sister.

when he leaves you quite literally penniless
and homeless
on your 33 birthday
in your bed
  in your own home
    with another woman,
don't act surprised.
especially if it's someone you know.

and that's not the half of it
ha! if you only knew.

a frightening realization
when life breathes in you
(consciously aware)
blinking through suspended time
and inhaled air

reality moves slowly and thickly
(between planes of shifting awareness)
when the truth is so bright and unsettling….
gazing through time is heavy
(the burden of truth)
almost more difficult
to know what you have.

|the power of the w o r d and the (art)|



to really learn
     your brain has to f l e x
you must be open
  to new ideas
and challenge
the authority
the majority
the status quo
     because seeing pattern
is an art
  an art that can has power anywhere
even to see the future
based on the words
and images
of the
now.
sometimes
we can see the possible picture
the emerging image
   each subtly,
seemingly obscure
things come together
for us
and we can see
from much farther away
than you.

and in those moments that we can see,
you should l i s t e n
  to what we say
l i s t e n to what we sing
l i s t e n to what we play
l o o k at what we show you.
        and begin
    with
t  h e
q
u
e
s
t
i
o
n

i am
g l a d
the veil has been
pulled back.

now i can see you.

now i know
exactly who
i am dealing with.

i try to keep
you in the periphery,

not anymore
a clear
and present danger.

now an
a w a r e n e s s
of your power
over
     me
remains vigilant.

i feel it
always by
my side,
aware it
could strike
at the
moment
of your
desire.

i can't think
of any
protection
against this.

i don't know
     how
to
   save
          myself

from the you
        in the ether
   at the edge
of the wind.

[it will make things easier]


i think i know my problem -
   i don't give up
and that desire for loyalty
   is what kills me
my defense of my tribe
   wears me down
i don't give up
when i should give up
on who i should...
i can't give up.
*i must give up.

today i saw
the saddest girl
sitting in the grass
   parts of her sparkling in the sunlight
  i heard her whisper
*i want to be vapor
    and sink into this earth
move quickly in the ground

there are times
i know
i could never hate anyone more
than i hate myself
and whatever it is
you want from me,
I DECLINE
I DECLINE
I DECLINE
to give you
a ******* thing.

(i bet you can't even see that you are the common denominator)


it's not often
that i am amused by
the seemingly
chaotic turns
of life

but in this one thing
i can see fast and far
and i feel light and quick

because i know

without a doubt

*that it wasn't me.

if i had a soul to sell
i would have sold it,
fool that i am.

i would throw every device
and colored pencil into the ocean
...i'm so stupid.
but i would.

i would give up on words
i would delete delete delete

every single day brings
some new miserable
revelation

and i can't get a grip
and i can't shake this feeling
and i don't know where to look

when everything i see
is cast in your shadow
when everything i feel
is d i m
compared to the firestorm
i feel around you.

i met a fox
eyes red
smoke surrounding
beads hiding
   ambien queen dreaming
you've gone places
  no one has been and
i've been here before.