i woke up
this morning
with this awful
pain
   behind my
left eye.
a throb.
an ache.
and it felt best
to curl up
        on my left side and
close my eyes
in the dark
and drift back to sleep.

now it is night,
and it's still there,
but worse.
a heaviness between
my eyes
pushing forward
and downward.
it helps to
push into it,
stay still.

i feel this
exhaustion in my face,
my eyes.
they want to close.

i know i'm
looking at the
same world,
but now it
seems different.
     shifted.
        and i don't understand
how i get lost
   in these delusions.
i don't understand
how anyone can
    possibly believe
that they
    see clearly.
       because it is not so.
          your eyes deceive you.

i'm expanding outward
in many waves,
or many ways.

get out of my way
i like to go fast
i like the music loud
jaw tight
every ounce of love
drained from
my eyes
as i contemplate ways
to get harder
sharper
colder
just the way
they all seem to like me.

my phone
like a little bird
on my shoulder
telling me lies.

a plane taking off
a green sign
dreary rain
sad songs
blue eyes
lime spritzer
cottage cheese
a ten dollar bill
a penny on the pavement
white pants
laughter
a bad smell
weird hair
a magnet
cinnamon

what i know
as a palpable truth
masquerades
as choice
through the
eyes of others

sounds like
a crazy circus
bass dropping
and
i am all alone
in myself.

i had something to say,
which i have already forgotten.
but hey - i must be on the path
because the price is right. eh?

sometimes you don't feel the storm coming
until it is upon you
a sudden imbalance of pressure
a change in the light
and before you know it,
you are washed away.

sometimes you see the storm coming
you feel it in your bones
and you brace yourself
against the impact,
you stand tall against the wind.

sometimes you are the storm
a temporary flooding
a fierce display of light and sound
roaring
dissipating in all directions
a heaving mess
of nature.

but it is when the storm comes upon you,
seduces you with its power...
crashes upon you in a steady rhythm
wears down any semblance of solidity,
that you have to breathe.

it is when you feel yourself giving in
that you have to become the thunder.
it is when you feel yourself giving up
that you have to become the light.

i may consider
   tidying up this joint
when i feel a breeze of say,
40 degrees
whisper through my hair.
for christ's sake!
enough!
*enough.

just let me
       struggle
|alone|
   this bright summer
but don't leave me
     in the winter
no,
  don't leave me alone
in the cold.

Reisling,
Stop softening my resolve.
I don't even like you that much.

(strange bird)


i think i might be
a strange bird
with strange ways

i still want to buy you
a piece of polished wood
isn't that strange?

even though I thought you
were different
(but you are not)

disappointed i had to
[declassify]
    downgrade your status
for the second time.

but crazy is trending
and i can only see out
*i can't see in.

(here i am)

i prattle on
sending questions
presenting observations
requesting answers
but alas,
you are no fool.

you fall
for nothing.
yet you take
everything.

i looked
for the evidence
of myself
and it was gone.

why you gotta be
so cool,
canada?

i'm jealous of
your
classy
***

acting all cool
and level headed

i mean, ****...canada
why you gotta
play me
like this?

brought low
    to kiss the stones
    where no one waits
and language matters

brought down
    to embrace the earth
    where nothing lasts
and nothing matters.

what i want is to disappear.

i want to implode into a weightless cloud of nonexistence.

one cannot escape the body
it is real
it is tangible
it is there for everyone to see
to judge

it is there for you to feel
it is inescapable
the feeling of gravity
of mass
of time

it is hopeless to expect otherwise

my heartbreak is
an exquisite
python

veins purple and
all the parts see
and all the parts feel

and something
sweeter than *****
or deeper than
crimson

and all the stars
and all the scars

a beautiful map
i feel a
circle in
the center

pulling tightly
in, like the
invisible ***
the transit
of a sin
wife of
melancholy

overt the
sublime and
aftertaste
blow the
smoke out and
smite me
bite me
fantasize me

even the outside
obtrudes
and is
generally inspired

it is my
graduation
*******

the horse of
the hegemony
has let us go

i don't know if
he's hiding in
the yellows

or riding
the green grass

and each
shadow whisper falls
in a cylone of
wit and reverie

a world of your choosing
a tower of
ecstasy spikes
and cloudless
sisterhawks roll

i can see where all the words
are supporsed to be
but you must trust me
even if some of the letters are wrong

sympathic geometry
when the sounds
come out nice

and i can see the
depth of
my treachery and it
is wild and blue.

if we decided, today,
that handlebars would be installed
every few feet of everywhere...

would we, tomorrow
start swinging down hallways
like monkeys?

you -
are the sensitive one.

i somehow have
to slice up
these vast expanses
into minute pieces
but time
is running
out.

i mean seriously,
if anyone honestly thinks I
give a rat's *** about anything
they are dead wrong
like whatever...
like I care what anyone
says or does
i don't have a caring bone in my body
someday soon i will care so little
i won't even have to write about it.