trigger warning*
im picking at my own skin
like im on some kind of drug
but instead my cold sweats are caused by
the ringing in my ears
im telling you no
please stop, i don't want to again
please
you are not listening
you are only moaning
do i owe you this?
did my consent an hour ago warrant my consent now?
it hurts
god it hurts and i want to go home
i ask you again
eventually you stop and we lay next to each other
i apologize
and for what?
i hear your insecure laugh between sentences now as i kneel down next to the toilet and dry heave
i wonder how i could ever stomach the sound of that laugh again
i watch my weight dwindle in my thighs and i remember the way you loved when i kissed your neck
i feel my fingers grasping a cigarette but i don't recognize it as my own touch
i know what to call it but i don't know how
how i continued to love you despite the time you forced yourself on me in the place i felt the safest
in your arms

xacto knife
glovebox
ambien
bedside table
bathtub
full
there is a note on my desk that i wrote and i have never gone this far
there is a knife beside the bathtub and i have never gone this far
there are text messages that i sent i have never gone this far
i wondered if my closet shelves could hold the weight of my body and an extension cord and i have never gone this far
i always liked the trapeze at the circus maybe thats how i shou

i was asked if i had a plan or wrote a note last time by the nice nurse with blue scrubs on
i had never gone that far
i am far
gone

you knew i was fragile but instead of
wrapping me up in tissue paper and gingerly placing me out of harms way
you doused me in lighter fluid, lit a match, turned your back, and walked away
i dont need you to tell me that my body is a temple
my mind is too, stop acting like im simple
the way you speak down to me as if its just your nature
but i am not your ***** and you are not some savior
i want to shape you into some resemblence of a person
i should be thanked, not treated like a burden
i am a girl with hope and love and motivation
i trust that if theres god you could not be his creation
i dont care about your opinions or your family or your town
because you've never acted like its good that im around

i've decided that i'm better than you and your remarks
i am wonderful and interesting and maybe even smart
so ******* with the way you strut your harsh demeanor
you will never be a human, just a parasitic creature

in the end i always get left
it's always the same, no matter which boy it is
i use the photos we took together as coasters
and the old t shirts to soak up spilled moscato
i go out a little bit more and work a little bit less
then i write a poem
and do it all again

the seasons have changed
we are back in touch and its like last summer all over again
the electricity
the euphoria
we are at the base of the tree that watched you grow last year
you are smoking your first cigarette and crying
we are swimming in the river, taking polaroid photos of each other in a thunderstorm
we are at our favorite coffee shop, despite the fact that you don't even like coffee
but
there is still an ocean between us
and now i have different things i am remembering
she is in your bed, sleeping in your arms
she is posting pictures of you kissing in the park and i am crying so hard that i go to the bathroom because i think i might throw up
you are flirting with her at a bar while i am boarding the plane to come see you
you are lying and compromising the times we had together just so she feels comfortable
and now
you tell me you love me even though you abadoned every single one of our memories
you are choosing her over me
again
and it is breaking my heart every single time that i inhale
although im no longer sorry about the front bottoms
i am sorry that i told you that i needed you
and you still picked her because it was more convenient
i am sorry you are realizing now that maybe you need me too

you tell me i'm the first person you ever really loved
we lie in bed and you stroke my hair
as if it's something i live for you to do
after our drunken bodies intertwined on the couch to American Beauty
tears of frustration from my paper eyelids
why can't i control my outbursts
why am i so sad
why can't i find anything to make me happy
you sit across the room and refold my green blouse for the 13th time and gaze at my suitcase
i realize you could never comfort me again
turning away because i can't bare to look at your face
you're sorry you lied and you thought it would be better if i didn't know and now we're in a sauna in italy
two bottles of wine down
and i can't tell if this is passion or desperation
passionate desperation
it was the last time your lips kissed my neck and i think back on my mistakes and i crush them up and i snort them
there is an ocean between us and theres no reason you wouldn't think that she's prettier
i always made fun of you for liking the front bottoms
i push your hand off of my thigh as i sob into my plate at breakfast
i cry in the airport when the lady from customs asks me about my trip
i cry harder when she says she hopes i can visit you again soon
we embrace for the very last time
i tell you to never speak to me again
you don't
you never looked back as i pulled my suitcase through security
i wish you had
i'm really sorry about the front bottoms

I am unimpressed with your apologies and artificial contrition
exasperation is what you draws you to me, it fills you up and makes you seek anyone, anything that will listen
our relationship is built on the foundation of You
when You are lonely, I am graced with the privilege of Your attention
I constantly mistake you for the sun
but even the sun is just an oversized ball of hot air
my words can prove theories and bring men to tears
they are often wasted on you, reassuring you of your dainty sense worth
ha
You are NOT the sun
the solar system does not revolve around You or Your fragile ego
I am beginning to realize,
neither should I

i'm wandering along a beach and i just killed the Arab
i'm waking up one day sophomore year and i'm deciding that it will be the last day of my entire life as i tie my shoes to go to school
i'm at my mother's wake and i'm trying to care but i just can't and i'm okay with it
i'm walking down the hallway and no one is making eye contact with me because they are afraid or disgusted or don't care or all of the above
i'm using some of my last breaths to yell at the priest and feeling no remorse
i'm making conversation with my last period teacher and smiling for the first time all day
i'm looking out at the crowd about to witness my death and feeling the gentle indifference of the world
i'm relating more to a sociopathic man in an absurdist novel than anyone i've ever met and i'm
not worried about it at all

i don't understand myself
i don't know why i let you into my life
when you are so content with just drifting away
and you say that you were stupid
and that you would take it back if you could
but i am not the sand between your toes
i am the entire ******* beach
i am the feeling you get when you miss a step at the bottom of the stairs
i am God herself, extracting every single statement from your lips and it is
Intentional
foretelling every move you make, every compliment you give and it is
Purposeful
i know what the inside of your skull looks like and it is
Vulnerable
so don't
mess with God
and especially not
girl

Everyone says to write about what I know
So I am writing about us
I am writing about bloodstains on the back of my shirt from when you slit your wrists and held me when I shook
I am writing about how you softened when I cried, even when you were high
I am writing about how it felt to put my hand on your knee in the middle of June
I am writing about when your pupils were as big as saucers and I had to help you to your room
I am writing about the sickness that robbed us of our youth
I am writing about how at peace I felt with the world when you looked at me with that smile
I am writing about how I fell in love with you again every time you put your head on my shoulder
I am writing about how you broke my heart every time you put your head on my shoulder
I am writing about love that didn’t quiver when you raised your voice
I am writing about how every fiber of my being ached for you to be well
I am writing about addiction in the passenger seat
About watching you push down the pedal as hard as you could
And knowing as you lost complete control
That I was always going to be there too

No place to sleep
My bed is all there is
Let me take care of you, Allyson
Allyson.
That name on his tongue
You feel heavy
You don’t feel **** anymore
Sweating
You’re sweating and sweating and sweating and sweating
Hands on your hips
Hands
On
your
Hips
God you’re so STUPID
You’re so so so STUPID
Lie down
Keep to yourself
Nothing will happen just keep to yourself
Look at the ceiling
You’re ok
You’re ok
Throw up
You’re ok
Leave at 6am
It will disappear
It will disappear
But it doesn’t
People are saying something about crying ****
No you just think he made you feel uncomfo-
You never said anything about ra-
You’re a feminist
You’re a contradictory *****
You’re a gazelle and four cheetahs are
Ripping
You
Apart
You’re losing touch
Hives
Hives
Hives
All over your body
Steroids
Steroid pills
Steroid injections
Mom it’s poison ivy
Mom it’s the laundry detergent
Mom it’s the overwhelming anxiety that is consuming even the largest ***** of your God-forsaken body and it’s on your hips
Hands
On
Your
Hips
You’re sick
You’re sick again
You want to die again
Prozac again
20mg this time
the dreams
the dreams are so vivid
google search: how to tell your boyfriend his best friend violated you in a nightmare for the third night in a row
friends
losing
friends
fights and fights and fights
no one cares and you don’t either
how are you supposed to care when all you see when you look at them is
Hands
On
your
Hips
And the dreams. The ******* dreams
Who would believe the dreams
Who would care
give them the glare, give them your signature glare
they don’t understand they will never understand they don’t want to ever ******* understand
walk alone
eat alone
read alone
alone alone alone
it’s better that way
it’s almost over