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Kitty

Every time I close my eyes
It hurts a little more.

Because I know I'm one night closer
To you being gone.

i texted you at
six in the morning,
"im sad"
and then we laid
with our seats
reclined
all the way back
parked outside
your apartment
for three hours,
laughing at the lyrics
to all the songs
we loved in high school
before you asked,
"oh yea,
by the way,
why are you sad?"
and i didn't know what to say
because i had forgotten
all the reasons
or
they just
didn't matter anymore

healing is not always graceful,
i am contented most days,
pleased with all the progress
i've made
but some times
i feel the foundation i am building
start to crack beneath my feet
and i am reminded of how
fragile all of it is
and i think to myself,
"maybe it's not too late
to burn it all down
& go home"
and i just
don't know how
many more nights
i could spend
tip toeing on thin ice
just above rock bottom
before it shatters and
i am back where i started

I sit in a flimsy plastic chair that squeaks at the slightest movement,
Ana stands because it burns more calories and says I should do the same
My arms are folded over my chest, slouching and brooding
The bracelet Ana bought me sounds like shackles when I move
The wedding band on my finger weights more than I do
"Why are you here today?" Our therapist asks
"She's been cheating on me with that **** Mia!" Ana yells
"I already told you it didn't mean anything. We were broken up then."
My explanation makes her angrier though and she snaps,
"You just can't handle commitment!"
I've heard her use this voice multiple times and a list of all the insult circumnavigates my brain
Stupid
Ugly
Worthless
Never good enough
Unlovable
Pathetic
Fat
Fat
FAT
"You call this uncommitted?" I point to my stomach which growls on cue
Our therapist asks how long we've been together
I say over 2 years
Ana says we've been together my whole life
I tell him she's abusive
"It doesn't look like she's done that much damage" He notes
When the hours up Ana walks to the door
I tell her I just need a minute
I turn to our therapist who's already packing up
"Please help me. I need to get our of this relationship now!"
He ***** his head up as if it's the simplest answer in the world,
"Then why don't you just eat?"

Even as my last professor on a Friday says, "have a good weekend" & I am sharply reminded that I will work doubles all weekend long to pay rent on a life that I don't want,
I love you
And when my friends from high school call my dad for legal advice, making it painfully obvious that they never got better,
I still love you
And later in the night when I am drinking myself to sleep & wondering indefinitely if I too, never got better,
I ******* love you
And when I am driving to North Philly at three in the morning because my sister is breaking and I don't want her to break alone,
Well, I love you then, too
And when I pull over on 6-11, the next morning, with my head in my hands and scream "I ******* hate everyone", I just want you to know that you're the only one who makes a liar out of me