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Only until this cigarette is ended,
A little moment at the end of all,
While on the floor the quiet ashes fall,
And in the firelight to a lance extended,
Bizarrely with the jazzing music blended,
The broken shadow dances on the wall,
I will permit my memory to recall
The vision of you, by all my dreams attended.
And then adieu,—farewell!—the dream is done.
Yours is a face of which I can forget
The color and the features, every one,
The words not ever, and the smiles not yet;
But in your day this moment is the sun
Upon a hill, after the sun has set.
And I know we are far gone
When your “later” is code for “never”
And I’m the one desperately trying to start a conversation
I know we are far, far gone
When everything else is prioritized before me
I know we are gone forever
When you’ve not only stopped telling me your secrets
You have stopped telling me anything
I know that there is no turning back
When I haven’t seen you in months
Even though there is only an eight minute walking distance between us
I know that we have materialized into nothing
When all the conversations I have with you are held inside my mind
I know that we are gone
I would like
to have the ability to produce beauty
of a caliber so high
a drug test of it would come back positive

I would like
to produce beauty with the pain of realizing
you’ve been living in a box your entire life
and what you thought were stars are just glow-in-the-dark stickers

I would like
to write something so intelligent
you’d question your whole existence
and then some

I would like to have the ability to paint the world
as accurately as a laboratory analysis

I would like to produce beauty
But everything I produce is as painfully average as I am
Mother, I did my best
I won the prize
Do you love me now?
Mother, I studied my hardest
I got an A
Do you love me now?
Mother, I behaved
I was nice to my brother and sister
Do you love me now?
Mother, I did what you asked
And more
Do you love me now?
Mother, I ran out of ideas
I don’t know if there is anything I can do
*What can I do to make you love me?
We buy bags and shoes for money that could feed us for weeks
We use Botox and scalpels to fix our imperfections
We never leave the house or the room without checking our reflection
or taking a selfie
We make sure there’s never a hair out of place or a flaw to be seen
We are the lost generation
Our appearances are nothing but shells
But that’s fine
No one ever sees the empty insides
We are the lost generation
We are empty inside
But we don’t care
All we have ever wanted
All we have ever craved
is to be beautiful corpses
and that's all we'll ever be
I painted you wonderlands of sorry
I flew over mountains of pain
And I swam in the coldest part of regret
But none of it
Made you
Forgive
Me
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