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2.6k · Jun 2014
insomnia rambles
Abigail Keenan Jun 2014
lights out.
blankets on.
eyes closed.
then there's ME.
lights off,
blankets on,
eyes open.
dreams,
behind closed doors.
they escape,
when the doors flutter open.
then there's ME.
dreams,
guests not captives of sleep.
they escape,
behind closed doors.
2.4k · Mar 2014
Starting to Heal
Abigail Keenan Mar 2014
the skeletons in my closet
stopped rattling their cracked bones
because now they know they're vanquished.
and I'm not lonely, just alone.

the demons that used to haunt
my once tired, hurting heart
fear my renewed confidence
and from my soul they begin to part.
1.6k · Mar 2014
Ana
Abigail Keenan Mar 2014
Ana
Pound after wretched pound.
i live on the scale.
the pain in my receding belly becomes comfort.
the mirror tells me I'm fat.
but when i lay curled up in bed,
i feel so small.
so insignificant.
so imperfect.
concern from friends and family,
worried doctors,
they're working against me.
i thought they wanted to help,
but ana whispered the truth in my ear.
they
want
me
fatter.
why else would they shove food at me.
months after i met ana.
I'm thinner.
no, not happy, but im reaching my goal.
she helps me.
she haunts me.
I'm slower. I'm hurting.
I'm never good enough for her.
try harder.
eat less.
If you don't feel fragile,
you're probably fat.
i can't escape her.
I'm so hungry.
I'm so cold.
I'm so alone.
everything makes me angry.
why bother living?
I don't care if I die as long as I'm thin.
The doctors said I might die anyways.
All I have left is ana.
her hold on me is strong.
stronger than me.
being thin is all that matters.
not love.
not life.
not even family.
they just want to make me fat
and I would rather die.
I personally do not struggle with anorexia. Years ago I did, for about 2 or 3 months, but because of doctors and my mother closely monitoring my food intake i was saved in early stages. After very close association with someone who does suffer, and has suffered for over a year, I understand the logistics. Anorexia is no longer a choice after a few months. It becomes a mental illness, causing the afflicted to lose trust for their loved ones, and hate themselves. it's very difficult to grasp the full horror and pain someone with an eating disorder goes through. you must have slight experience either with yourself of a loved one, or have done a lot of research. there is no cure. medicines do not help. it is a matter of how strong someone's determination is, and whether or not they want to get better. About 70% of eating disorder cases in the US proved fatal last year. many patients who try to get better relapse after a month of healthy weight gain. The way they see themselves is warped by the mental illness stage, and they can only see the fat left on their bodies, even if they're only 5% body fat. Laughing at anorexia, or saying those affected by it are attention seekers can cause someone in later stages to become suicidal or self-loathing. many cases burn or cut themselves because they hate their bodies. It is nothing to laugh at. after only a year, if the patients are in the 60th percentile, they will suffer a heart attack, seizures, stroke, or fatal ***** failures. please watch what you say to someone suffering from anorexia. if you tell them they look healthy, they'lo take it as you calling them fate and will become self-loathing. if you say they look thinner, it is encouragement and they will strive to keep losing weight.
961 · Jan 2014
Demons
Abigail Keenan Jan 2014
I know the monsters that hide,
Beneath my dreams and bed.
I know they are no match,
For the demons in my head.
Something in me shattered,
long ago when i was small.
It created an abyss,
And in the demons would crawl.
From apartment to apartment,
These demons and i traveled.
They told me i was the death,
Of my own dreams that were unraveled.
These demons, oh! These demons,
Were determined to ruin my health.
And in the 7th grade,
They made me starve myself.
Slowly i began to hate,
Everything i had become.
And the year i sliced my skin,
I knew the demons won.
But that was just a battle,
And i was about to declare war.
Many years I wasted,
In agony and fear.
And I knew from the beginning,
Life wouldn't be so pure.
Now i understand,
That what i have become,
Is fixable with time,
And **** I'm still so young.
454 · Jan 2014
Violent Quiet
Abigail Keenan Jan 2014
There's a deep silence
screaming
pounding at your temples
begging you to **** it.

Smash it with your voice
a simple sigh will do the trick
or maybe laughter.
choose your weapon.

Desperate to die
preparing for impact
silence screams
"I'M READY"

And you're ready too
so you aim
and fire a word
and all to late you see
SILENCE WAS YOU
430 · Jul 2014
Ironic Slumber
Abigail Keenan Jul 2014
the irony is plain to see.
i am awake as you sleep.
and in the light i see the world,
you get mad when your coffee is cold.
the darkness harbors your peace,
your dreams cower behind your sleep.
unlike yours, my dreams live.
your world is one that never gives.
while you find safety in your sleep,
i lay awake and softly weep.
for all the anger, fear, and pain,
leaves you when your dreams reign.
and as you oh so sweetly rest,
your demons wreak havoc.
and i am here to see it all,
my pretty peace with sun does fall.
I'm awake far past my turn,
i watch all your bridges burn.
its ironic, im so good at heart.
but im cursed as an insomniac whose afraid of your dark.
421 · Feb 2014
HE did this
Abigail Keenan Feb 2014
Emptiness consumes me at night,
my soul tends to then hide.
I lay my head down on my pillow,
Soon i weep more than a willow.
His face haunts my demolished heart,
what i held together now falls apart.
First I see what It used to be,
loving hands and words so sweet.
Then i hear what it became,
his voice once loving screams my name.
Anger replaces his love,
another scream and then a shove.
I scream back because I'm hurting,
tears fall and now I'm learning,
a philandering heart cannot be healed,
but I from the truth I did shield.
It's my fault, but he lied,
I hurt him when i yelled, but I'm the one that died.
And when he was in recovery, i loved him,
but my support was too weak, so someone else "helped" him.
The horrors he put me through never leave my head.
After he betrayed me I had wished that I was dead.
Nobody really knew, Nobody understood.
That I would have left him earlier if I thought I could.
I used to cry for him, now Its because of what he did.
Nightmares called to me, everywhere I hid.
In my world he tore a whole,
where he tossed my tattered soul.
Even now, so much later,
He remains my tormentor.
372 · Oct 2013
What Happened?
Abigail Keenan Oct 2013
*******, the way you made me smile.
*******, the way you held me close.
*******, the way you had me falling.
*******, the way you made me love you.

and now, you seem so distant.
and now, you dont even care.
and now, you used me until i was spent.
and now, tears fall among my hair.
332 · May 2014
I Love, and You Are Shy
Abigail Keenan May 2014
Three small words,
one huge meaning,
hide on my tongue,
always fleeting.

when i see you they clammer inside,
"Should we introduce our selves? No, lets hide"

They want to meet you,
but they're quite scared
that you won't like them,
and they'll be embarrassed

Maybe  someday
They'll be brave
327 · Oct 2014
The Moment I Lost You
Abigail Keenan Oct 2014
palms were shaking, reaching for mine
finger tips met, our bodies aligned.
thoughts were obliterated,
the moment was untainted,
breath was so hushed,
cheeks were so flushed,
for just a second you were so close,
then suddenly your love was lost.
and as you slept, so serene
my heart ached and tears rained.

— The End —