i spent months and months asking myself
why was i not enough for you

was i not thin enough?
was i not pretty enough?
did you want me to change my hair color?
did i laugh too  much?
was my voice too annoying?
were my thighs too big?
was i not smart enough?
was i not domestic enough?
was i not wild enough?
did i not drink enough?
did i not smoke enough?
was i not careless enough?

395 days of me waking up each morning
and having these questions flood my brain
until i fell into bed and everything went black
only when my eyes shut for a few hours
would these questions stop

it has been 395 days of pure hell inside my brain
but i am learning now that it is not that i was not enough
i was too much

i gave you too much love
too much laughter
too much adventure
too much of everything you wanted
that you took complete advantage of

i will be okay

i hope you're happy where ever you are now

They say yellow is the happiest color
yet all the arguments in our house
were always in our yellow kitchen

They say yellow is the happiest color
yet the bruises from the marks you left on my body
would turn yellow after a few days
and i could not bare the touch of anything
on them for weeks

They say yellow is the happiest color
yet the first time you ever ravished me in pain
the sun was setting across the deep blue ocean
after a dark storm had passed
and the whole sky turned yellow

They say yellow is the happiest color
yet when i now think of pain the first thing
that comes to mind is not you,
it is your favorite color that does,
yellow


                                             e.s.