The sky cracks stack until
There’s a legitimate Blindspot
Silver lined with that eye spot
Censor I can place just on
Your stupid ******* face.

The sun and other stars shine dimly
Compared to the laser of your curiosity.

And I’ve felt that burning point on my skin,
That warmth building to unbearable heat.

Ultimately leaving my charred remains
In the smoldering pile of my failure.

And I would gladly burn alive for you
If it meant you were happy with me.

When it all goes to **** and the skit
Calls for your respite, are you going to be there
For the bare skinned hanging mid-air
By fingers gripping wet wasp stingers
Getting pelted by insult slingers?

Or will you hide from those stones and venom
Let slide the froze-to-bone, not help ‘em

The onlookers lovingly smile as I plummet.

I believe people
Too easily.
If I have no reason
To distrust them
I do not.
And how can I have
A reason to distrust
Someone who
I do not know.
I have not spoken with.
I have not understood.

At this point I hope for world’s end,
Given up on mending will’s bend,
Taking solace in thoughts of souls' rent.

I have little left, looking forward.
And much less looking backward.
Resilience stretches thin, inward.

Time for it to all burn.
It’s this world’s turn,
To submit to life’s wheel's churn.

Mine is a head of many hats
Some flattering
And some not
.
Pacifist and fighter
Specialist and generalist
.
But none has brought more pride
And more pain
Than wearing the hat of the lover.

Muted colors and sounds
Senses acutely aware of their lacking
It’s that ringing shock of an explosion in your midst.

She burst into my sight
Tinkling laughter and warm smile

Stuck my tongue to the roof of my mouth
Lost control of vocal folds
Pitching wildly
Like a small boat in stormy seas.

Because…aren’t we?

I can smell your blood from across the world
Wounded as you are.
There are the prey and there are the hunters
And there are the warriors.
I think your public weeping and snapping betray
Which of those three you embody

This is not gloating or a threat of violence
This is the statement of place.
Mind yours.

Everyone looks forward to being able
To take vacation and travel again, and
I do too, until I remember what it’s
Like to travel alone, and the hope recedes.

And then I found myself atop the mountain
Overlooking the vastness of reality before me

The lung hale
The eye saw
The nose scent

But that cliff dropped away when my balance did sway
And the gall of gravity’s fall made small the world’s pall.
And the spit hit my bit lip and tongue ground grit.

And…
I don’t know how the future be
Or holds
But I’m eager to get over it
And see.

You say I should
Respect
Your beliefs while
Your
Holidays were scheduled to
Disrespect
The beliefs of
People
Your religion's ancestors
Persecuted.

Respect is earned.

Lack of capacity doesn't
Matter
When the belief system is shared.

Lack of participation doesn't
Absolve
When the belief is chosen.

Scream this at the unhearing, uncaring, unthinking
mass of ignorance that call themselves "the faithful".

I laid there…
Eyes closed
Blissful in the knowledge
That my future sped out of reach
My past slowly growing
Warmth spread in my chest
Each beat
Slower now.

The stop was painful
The beat more so
And though I deserved
That end
The beat continued
Once more my future
Receded to my grasp.

All I see is ***
Endless parades of
wet openings and bouncing
*******....

All I hear is ***
She says she's going to
do it…
…eat that
smell this…

All I want is ***
Memories of
tight...
tunnels and warm mouths.

ERUPT…Release…

I feel the weight of expectation.
The pressure of responsibility
bares down
like it can feel I’m straining.
Every moment I get closer to
collapse.
Every second, strength surges in some endless
final push of effort.
A lifetime of uphill climbs in the time it takes
to shamefully look away.

There must be tar in my lungs
Not because I used to smoke
Not because I breath fire at the feckless
But words keep sticking in my throat

Only the really big ones though
Not because they're long, they're not
Not because they're rare, they're not
But they're heavy and easy to stick

I wish I could say…

The night takes delight in my empty bed plight
But her smile helps fight that downward cast sight
The memory of it
The fantasy of it

Breathy voice makes risky choice seem adroit
By the patch of moist or tent pole foist
Ready for use
Longing for use

But here I am
And there you are
Just a man and so very far
Just a ram and so very hard
Just a dam and so very marred

I don’t call myself a poet, though I do write poems.
I think.

I don’t think it's honest to say I am a something.
I prefer to be seen as a someone, anyway.

I presume it's presumptuous to say “I’m of this us!”
And meaningless to minds, whom I want to find,
anyway.

Not everything I write is a poem, but I put thought into it,
attempt to elicit emotion or bend the meanings of words to some poetic end.

So call me what name you want.
Label this thing in your thoughts.
But remember you're missing a lot
by ignoring words and seeing font.

And in the mind/desire mire I set fire
To love's buyer and hide in melancholy’s pyre.
Because the flames consume
Love
Lack
Listing in seas with deep depth black
Soul and song sings some sorrow laden lyric
Because when all is gone there's just
me
Echoing from the deep
Unable to beckon eversleep
Unable to summon the courage to face
What waits when warm embraces erase
The space I’ve put between me and the world.

Torrential downpours of raw
Irritation.
Regret swirls with loss into
Whirlpools of rage, desire, and hopelessness.

Smiles guile miles between isles
of disconnected people.
Eyes see ******* butts ***** and big *****….
Missing hearts….
Missing the empty arms of long alone longing.
Reasons and reasons, seasons and seasons.
The flow continues and we cannot stop for what's missed.

You think I want just
Another piece of ***
As if the beast inside has
Taken my mind.

I want the certainty
Of that Phoenix rise
That peace of mind
That knowing “she is mine” provides.
Not a possession, but just that
You're satisfied with my presence

When the day is done
Truth wrung from every effort
Every retort replayed and analyzed
Quiet materialized by soft breathing and dim lights
All the little spites and manipulations suffuse my thoughts
From thirsty thots to insulting, smug *******
Viewed like disaster through rosy retrospect
Memories reflected by perfect hindsight
Petty it might be, but
I still glut on the shame.

That pinprick of light
Must reside somewhere
Shining dimly through me
But I am necessary
For that miniscule hope to exist
And all the hands holding hard
To its goodness
Beset on all sides by my omnipresence
But the contrast is needed
And which is better, the good?
Or the reason the good exists?

The ocean of my desire aroused by
The motion of her hips gyr'
Remains restrained within
Heart chained by pain
But my fear of being near her
sheer beauty makes me veer
From hope and float
With smoke to note
How harks the dark
When isolation marks stark
Regret's presence
And resonance.

At the fountain's edge I see you
Resplendent in your cloak of acceptance
Smiling down warmly to the ghouls
Swimming in the pool of fate's fountain.
How I wish to join that naïve bliss
And feel the love the world can offer.

Traveling faster than light
Across cosmic currents can create
A separation

From yourself

From everyone else

The perspective change is strange
Something like wisdom

But it's just an illusion
Reality, that is
You step away and see the clay from which it's all made
Not that it is made, intentionally anyway
If you feel the hands of fate then give me some too
Those drugs must be good.

But I have to go on
Into the great clichè beyond
I’m looking for a woman that I can't find
Won't find, probably.

To close eyes
And let dreams reign
Fall into the future
Makes the next day
The next disappointment
The next pile of stress
Arrive.

Creativity contrasting corrosion
Of will
Or motivation
Add another apathetic
Night to
The blur.

Inspiration insufficient inside
That well
Or pit,
Staying stagnant, sniping
At flaws
And weaknesses.

Lately I’ve been feeling better
About life and future weather

I don't know when I started feeling bad
Probably when I ripped the scab
That covered the sore
Of love’s lacking lore

But blood's seeping finally stopped
Bleeding.
That hollow is truly empty now.

Chewed through lip
Copper taste and other shoe’s drop waits
Nervous habits of caffeine neuroticism.

You're pretty and all
But
There's rust on my trust motor
So how about we try out some fun positions
And see where it goes
I know love is more than breathy “oh"s and curled toes
But
My heart can’t take the break
And I don't want to die, I think.

The worst part is the lack
Of color
Vibrance…
And no amount of Giant Steps
Could avoid the emptiness.

I heard about a torture technique
Where the prisoner is placed in an
Empty white room
With only white light to see
And white rice to eat.
I think the alienation I feel
Is like a form of that.
Lifelike solitary confinement.

That smile bounced off the hull.
I can still feel the vibrations in the metal shell,
all this time later.
I saw it coming, took evasive action
you know, like they do in the movies,
and slammed right into it anyway.
Knocked me off course,
broke some sensors,
sent spinning off into the void for months.
Sensors eventually came back online,
course corrected but forever altered.

There’s a word stuck in my hand
Like a song in the brain
Or bathing suit sand.

So I write out all I can think
All that feel close anyway
But every attempt just makes it sink.

So don’t mind me if I sound craz-ee
Because I’m not okay, and that’s normal
Or at least it seems to be for me.

Raised voices and red tinted eyeballs
Burning water and bitter seasoning
Like the fake Christ on that real cross, I open arms
And transmute alcohol to blood
Spit from split lip and broken nose…
Rage and rage and where the ****
Is my phone?
Is my girl?
Is my god ****** shot of whiskey?!
No matter how many teeth leave their
Mark on my knuckles
It's all still lost to the lung tongue or back of throat stung.

Like the snow in winter
My fall for you was inevitable.
But now I’m lost
With nowhere to go
And no one to know
So shine your light on my crippled form
Maybe even show me how to live again
Let me free from these bonds of tragedy
Show me how to climb up depression's scree.

The soaring highs ring hollow
Through this speaker
But the lows are richly decadent.

Lately this speaker has preferred lows
The highs just don’t persist like they do
From other speakers.

Perhaps it’s easier to produce those highs
With a matched stereo second speaker
Where one falters, the other supports.

And isn’t it just this speaker’s luck
To have its matched stereo second spoken for
Sounds and lives are just peaks and troughs.

It’s been over a year
Since I told her I wouldn’t
Play second fiddle.

I still think of her
Every day it’s the same thought
Should I ask how she is?

And I genuinely hope
That she is doing well
And doesn’t feel the pain of loss.

But I secretly hope
That she misses me like I miss her
And thinks of me everyday.

Blood, hearts, and mud mired mythology
all fail to describe that desire for pale skin and lust's fire.


But I still can't see past the crush,
mind blanks and stomach stabbed by nausea shanks
what the ****.


I feel half my age and not in the good way often espoused by the saged
But in the small way that makes you remember how powerless you were.
How powerless you are.


When the fever breaks you're not getting better.
When the sickness passes you're not getting better.
Scars mar hope's north star.
Until you can't find your way forward.
Until just going anywhere gets you more and more lost.

In the pure light of the moon
I am reminded that I am alone.
Warm breath blows in the chill air
And the sound reminds me of her.
Quiet
Presence
Heart beat

I can't decide if I miss you desperately
Or just hate being alone.
But your smile
Still haunts my
Closed eyes.

On bent knee with bent back
******
scrapes and cuts on skin pressed into gravel.
Resolute
He endures the downward press,
Taking vengeance on fate.

With shuddering breath,
A growl escapes
Cracked and chewed lips.
Muscles twitch and shiver as effort surges forth,
Willpower made flesh and stubborn
Refusal
To submit to reality's pessimism.

But eventually I’ll get out of bed.

Blood
******* blood staining my…
…shirt of ideals.
Falling from lips swollen with
…Excitement…
Masticating the fleshy arguments of
**** poetry elites
Is as messy as defecating on
The memory of the fake God.

Knives and nukes dropped on
Wrists and books of your weak holy.
And the flavor….
Oh the flavor…..
Seasoned so liberally with those
Deliciously salty tears….

It’s hilarious how profound
We think we are, astounding
The masses with our slick
Rhyme and meter shtick.

Seems to me
People fail see
What’s important,
Really,
Until what they truly
Want is out of reach.

Depicted perfectly
By this lonely
Soul, failing
Ultimately,
At finding intimacy.

Flat
Lacking.
The ache inside is
Breaking along the lines where
My hope was shattered by fear of fruits gathered in
Defiance of my downward guidance or
Search for a chance at
Vibrance
Love.

Close the book and let float the boat.
The sea awaits and its monsters
Well, they won't defeat themselves.

Reach inside, unsheathed that sword
Intellect or heart, creativity and art
Use what you grew for why you grew it.

Light puffs of steam
fluoresce as though
lit internally.
The public lights
always do that
when I look up
to see the moon.
And it's cold,
but, I suppose it seems colder without a smile to warm me.
The pain of isolation
reinforces that God
definitely doesn't exist.
Or, if it does then I won't feel bad if I tell it to go **** itself.
Pain just for existing
Solitarily
is a curse enduring.
The moon reminds me
Of her
Of her lack.

Neon outlined clouds in the night sky
Lit from behind by the hidden moon.

Surreal sight seeing such during dark’s reign
As in all things, contrast reveals beauty.

Reflection reveals the symbol as connected
To the viewer’s depth of reality.

Skin and meat and hunger
Let me eat that flesh you detest
I’ll savor the chewy scars
And sour infections
Savory salty sweat wets my appetite.
The way it slides down between your *******.
Because despite your flaws
It's all delicious.

Prey
Hunting vantages
Mates

All there is to know
Reflected in Hawk's eye

The arrow took it in the heart.