Underneath the stars at night,
I lie awake and think of you.
I think of all the things we use to do,
Oh how I miss you..
I miss all our memories..
All the things you said to me.
I miss your voice,
I miss your laugh..
I miss you..

As I lie awake,
Tears run down my face.
When I think of you,
This is what I do.
You broke me,
I'm so sorry..
I loved you,
But you lied to me.
You never loved me..
You never missed me..
And here I am, crying.
And trying.
To be the person I was before you came into my life.
But you've changed me,
And now I'm nothing more..
Than a broken girl..
And you were my whole world.

everywhere i turn you're standing there
reminding me of why you left and why i will never be good enough for you

this is all whispered to me in your seductive voice and through your champagne pink lips that could get me drunk at any hour
I only dream that I could make you smile the way you do when she's around
(your smile could light up a whole room full of people)
and that I would appear in your dreams the way you do in mine

but the thing is, in my dreams about you I wake up with tears in my eyes and I almost feel as if I'm going to suffocate
my heart feels like it's been shattered in to a million pieces and I then am reminded of how it felt when you left me (the first time)

basically what I'm trying to say is

it's been 1 year, 4 months and 16 days since you left me
and everyday I stare at my phone waiting for a message from you, but it never comes

*i miss you

I've been tired lately,
When I'm tired it shows up on my face,
And in my body language,
Like a bold flashing sign,
Topped with puffy eyes and weak shoulders,

I've been fighting lately,
With the world and with other people,
To be recognized for who I am now,
Not what I did before,
And I've been fighting with her too,

The old, younger me,
Caught up in her surroundings,
Too focused on what went wrong,
Never looking forward and so never moving on,
Who just wouldn't let up on me,

"You're not good enough,"
I know that,
"You're not good enough,"
Okay I know that, but,
"You're not good enough."

Well you know what?
That's not good enough.

I can't use that,
There is no benefit to that kind of thinking,

Fear of rejection,
Fear of success,
Those are not good enough reasons to keep me in critical condition,

Self-loathing is not good enough for me.
It's not good enough for anybody.

"You're not good enough."
Says who?

You walk by me like I'm an illusion,
well pardon me for the ******* intrusion!
I hate your homophobic speech,
the way you act, hell, the way you eat!

I'm sick of you walking over me,
I hear that's not who you used to be,
but if this keeps up then you will see
just how much hate you have for me...

Cuz, I'll tell you to rot,
I'll tell you to burn.
You're power drunk,
but its my turn.
Is it so fun?
Abusing your son?
Your heart is a hole
and you have no soul.

I'll show you I won't be pushed down,
You're not the only one who fights.
You're so proud you'd wear a crown,
but that doesn't mean you make my rights.

I sat in my living room watching Modern Family with my dad and my mom mom
When my mom mom turns to my dad and says,
Todd I am so proud of you for not having any homosexual children.
Now I realize this could’ve been the moment I come out.
But instead of feeling like that was my open door,
I felt like someone had just pushed me back inside the closet
And slammed it shut.

When you think of a homophobic person,
You imagine someone who is mean and extremely religious.
But my mom mom is a kind and generous woman.  
Anyone can be homophobic.
I was homophobic.
Raised in a “Christian” household I grew up in a church.
My roots were in prayer and god was my sun.
I shamed gays and eventually
I shamed myself.

You always hear how people come out to their families,
but next time,
Ask them how they came out to themselves.
Because that is the hardest part.
Or at least it was for me.
I ripped up all my roots, blocked out the sun, and dug into myself
To change the parts of me I thought were law.
Things my dad had preached to my church
About gays being an abomination
And now here I am, the abomination he spoke so often of.

Once you start realizing your parents weren’t always right,
You have to start making your own judgments.
What do you believe in anymore if up to that point,
Every opinion you defended was one you took from your parents,
Passed down to you like character traits.

My dad and I are both stubborn
And we were both homophobic until
I started not just wanting to be certain pretty girls,
But I stared wanting to be on certain pretty girls.
I had to change every part of me that hated myself
And I found so much love in me that I never thought I had
And suddenly a lot of things made sense.

In a perfect world, my family would dig up their roots too.
Look to God and realize that
He is about love for everyone without the “no ****” before it.
God is not homophobic.
My family is.