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 Nov 2018 Xander Holden
Taylor
may 24, 2017
last suicide attempt
everyone blamed you
it was him
he hurt you
why do you even talk to him still?

you were never the reason
you broke up with me that night
and i snapped
the only thing that kept me happy
left
and i had
zero reason to
live

it was never your fault...
I love him
I tell myself
I know that
We will be together forever
I don’t believe that
We could be separated
My thoughts tell me that
He’s the love of my life
Sometimes my heart lies and says
I could live an eternity
Without him
Like my friends say
“We’re perfect for each other”
And you can’t tell me
He’s not the one.

Now read from bottom to top.
Let's fall off
the edge of the page,
sail beyond the visible line,
leap from the end of the ledge,
sink into the ocean,
then sink deeper beyond.

Let's slip away
from the rim of the cup,
slide along the edges of ice,
tumble into blades,
roll with the flowers,
soar beyond the reach of the sky.

Let's find parts of ourselves,
nobody sees, hears or thinks,
burrow deeper into a new skin,
move away from what has been,
crawl into a place, so far away,
the past will never come around.
The blade feels so right with me
It's like the pain in my heart is making that blade
A home in my hand
My body, or my mind,
I don't know
But something commands it
The edge of the blade strikes me with curiosity
Wondering what all I could do with it
For the first time last night
I cut deeper
I lashed at my skin
And blood burst out of me
Like it was trapped
And glad to be free
Then no matter how hard it was to ignore the urge
To do it again
I put that Blade up in a safe place
Then I starred off into the
Dark empty space
In my room
Hearing the voices in another room
Not thinking about anything
Trying to listen to the loud silence in my mind
Trying not to feel the coldness of my soul
Letting my heart shatter little by little
Every Day
Please don't act like you care
It just isn't fair I just want to be loved
Not thought bad of
If I died today
No one would cry for me
No one would die for me
I can't be happy
Happiness just isn't for me
I'm silently begging
For someone to truly help me
Or that silver blade will cross my wrist
Again and again untell I'm satisfied with the results
I'll be satisfied when I feel
All this useless life
Drain out of me.
©Makayla Bailey
All rights reserved
"You're so smart!"

"Oh, uh, thanks"

Somewhere,
Somehow,
Before I could decide,
I was placed into a box.
I was put into a place where escaping was not an option
As I began to realize I could not escape, I made the best of it.
I worked hard, I studied long nights, and I made the best of what I had
I was going to make this box my home.

"Of course it's her"
"She always wins everything"
"***, she's such a nerd!"
"Do you do anything besides study?"

I am overcome with confusion
Why had they, the people who had put me in my box
Begin to ridicule me for this?
I had grown accustomed to my box
I actually kind of enjoyed it
But now, I see that I was in a bad box
So,
I try to conceal it
Hide it
Wash it away

It didn't work.

Would I forever be the nerd?
The overachiever?
The effortless straight A student?
The no-social-life excluded nobody?
Would I forever be placed into a box
With the terms and conditions already applied?

- a.g.
this was based off of my own experiences from being "the smart one". whenever I've achieved something, people have always said "of course", like it came naturally. like I didn't work for that achievement. and most importantly, I have always had stereotypes made about me by people who knew nothing about me. this is to address this issue of "having everything handed to you" where many people do not realize the effort it takes for an individual to achieve any matter.
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