Cynthia Lewis: Poems

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Cynthia Lewis Mar 2022

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All I wanted was to gain control on a life I never had
I'd do these things to myself whenever I was feeling sad
No matter how hard I tried to stop
When I didn't do these things my mood would drop
I had no hope of a future, I was afraid I'd fall
People tried to help but I'd put up a wall
But now I know that a great life can be made
I promise you can recover if you put down that blade.

#mentalhealth

Better

Cynthia Lewis Aug 2023

Better

I've been gone for a while
Not seen or heard
Hiding away from the harsh reality of life
I've tried to get involved and I've tried my best
But every time I try I only feel stressed
I'd love to be able to stay inside
Away from the pain and away from the sound of others bleeding my ears
Do this
Do that
You're doing it wrong
Try again
Yet every time I try I feel like a part of me is dying inside
I want to be free and I want to be me
But when I am true you say you hate what I have become
So what is it that you truly want?
Because each time I ask you, you simply look me in the eyes and say "I want you to get better"

Mainly focusing on a past relationship while I was struggling with my mental health

#mental #health #borderline #personality #disorder

I am.

Cynthia Lewis Jan 2019

I am.

I am.
The one who stands tall and proud.
The one who doesn't have a care in the world.
The one who makes everyone laugh
The one who is always smiling.....
But is that really me?
I cry myself to sleep.....I dont even eat..... My heart is closed because I cannot trust anyone.
To think I feel this pain.....To hate every inch of my skin......I may seem ok to you but.......i guess its best not to judge a book by its cover.

#mentalhealth #eatingdisorder

If i never met you.

Cynthia Lewis Jan 2019

If i never met you.

Sometimes i like to imagine what life could have been like if i never met you.
I could smile each day whilst being confident in myself
Wear the clothes i always liked.......vintage dresses with laced socks.....hair in a bun.
I could speak to people ive never met without feeling anxious. I could look in the mirror and actually like what i see. I could go swimming without feeling self conscious about the size of my thighs. I would be able to go out with friends to have a few drinks.I would be able to study hard and go on to have a good career. Food.......i could eat all the pastries ive always wanted without the feelings of guilt.....self hatred....self loathing.....but of course i cant. You make me scared to wear anything nice.....a simple black cardigan will do. ....i cannot speak to anyone....not even the lady who runs the corner shop.

Loss

Cynthia Lewis Sep 20

Loss

They told me I would smile again
That I would find my happiness
But ever since you left, my heart hasn't been able to heal
I still see your spirit and though it hurts me so, i know you're at peace
The days when we would laugh
The days when we shared tears
The days when you would tell me you loved me are all distant and no longer close
I tell myself you are ok but I will always be alone
Loss is strange because even though you're not with us anymore.......I still feel your presence and it hurts so.

One day.

Cynthia Lewis Jan 2019

One day.

This girl was sad and had pain within.
She though she would be happy if she was thin.
She starved herself to skin and bone.
But she never felt worse.....hurt and alone.
She tried to recover but couldnt get well......she hurt herself....she was living in hell.
The doctors took over but she didnt know why.........she had no control and wanted to cry.
Tubes and machines cover her every inch of skin.........but she isnt happy.......she feels the need to stay thin.
She tries to fight every single day.....but she fails each time in every way.
One day she will be happy,laugh and smile.....but for now she is lost and will be for a while.

#mentalhealth #eatingdisorder

We got this!

Cynthia Lewis Jan 2019

We got this!

Eyes wide open
Staring through your soul
I can see the pain in your eyes
I can see your hurting
I want to help
I will be there when you cry
I will be there when you cut
I will be there to stitch you up
I will be there through everything
Through thick and through thin
I will help you recover
I will help you regain your wings
I will help you blossom
I will help you grow
I will be there no matter what
When the rain pours
And rivers rise
When the storms come
When the lightning strikes
We will stand tall
Together through whatever i will never let you go.
We got this!

#friendship #mental #health #recovery

What I Feel.

Cynthia Lewis Jan 2019

What I Feel.

Sitting in a dark room
Thoughts inside my head
What do i do
When i wish i was dead
Pills to take
Scars to heal
When my thoughts
Dont let me feel
Heartache from fear
Life hanging rear
Bleeding inside
Trying to abide
By the rules that i wish
But what is this
My life is a mess
I must stress

#mental #health #depression #self #harm #suicide

Would you.

Cynthia Lewis Jan 2019

Would you.

Would you love me if i was covered in scars?
If I was always sad?
If I couldn't commit?
Would you love me if i couldn't love myself?
Because i love you even though your heart is broke.
When you say you cant go on.
When you lose control.
I love you for who you are.
Can you learn to love me?
Even though i dont love myself I would hope that you could love me for what i am.

#love #selfesteem

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