To my angel baby, your mumma misses you so much, your brother would have been so excited to meet you. So would have I.
The pain I have can never leave.
The day I found out about you I cried with over joy the excitement I had lasted a short time, my sweet baby I’m so sorry my body failed you.
I think I will ask god for the rest of my life

It’s been 3 months since I’ve lost my baby a miscarriage that silenced my voice. Something I don’t think I will ever understand. Something that has broken me in ways I didn’t know existed.
I have my days where I’m doing ok and I’m happy and days where all I want to do is cry and scream.
No screams comes out I’m just quietly crying but inside I’m a mess my mind is screaming but nothing comes out why oh why did this happen to me. I wanted that baby I would have loved that baby so so much instead I’m here grieving for the rest of my life.
I was having a good day and started crying out of nowhere, you may ask why because the 13th of every month haunts me like an unwanted plastic bag that keeps floating around and never goes away. The 13th of July is when I had my miscarriage while my world was falling apart I had to get up the next day and act like I was fine like I was ok because I still had to be a mother to my child.
But when the worlds still and everything is quiet, I feel lost
I’m wanting to search for you and I keep searching and asking myself why I wasn’t able to carry you just a precious life starting to grow inside me and suddenly you were ripped away. I lost my baby and my baby lost their life. That’s something I’ll never be able to forgive myself for.

It’s time to let go, let go of the past let go of the pain that has entered your life.
Letting go is hard but i promise it’s worth it, let go of everything that has hurt you letting go means you can start to love your life and love what you do. Understanding the memories you once had are they going to benefit you in your life or are they there to hurt you. Let go of all negativity and focus on the positive, I know it is hard to do but once you start you don’t want to stop. I spent months focusing on myself and letting go of what I can no longer control, I let go of people that I knew were beneficial for myself and my life and what I wanted to achieve, I let go of all the negative thoughts and emotions that once held me to breaking point, I took a step aside and thought about what I wanted better for myself, did I want the life I had a few months ago where I was crying almost every day wanting to feel loved wanted things to change. Or do I want the life I have no which is filled with positivity and meaningful happiness I feel loved I feel like my life is changing for the better. It’s the small things that have made me realise I don’t need anyone to make me happy or make me feel loved because I love myself and that’s all I need. My mental health and wellbeing has drastically improved and that’s because I have let go of everything that was holding me back, I will say it has no means been easy it has had its challenges and a few set backs but I made it, and I would no change anything about what I’ve walked though to get to this point

Being an introvert doesn’t mean you don’t like being around people, it gives you the opportunity to listen in silence to what’s going on in the world, you can learn a lot of being in the background and just sitting and watching, people think you don’t have friends but you do you just keep a small amount of people to be beside you. People you can trust that will make your day bright.
The meaning behind introvert is a shy person. But anyone can be shy, you meet someone for the first time they are going to be shy until they feel comfortable enough to open up and let you into their bright world were it’s filled with love, laughter and happiness you get to experience that cherish every moment you have because one’s it’s gone you’ll never be able to get that happy girl back. Don’t do anything to hurt her because even though you made up doesn’t mean she’s open up to you anymore because she’s always going to protect her happiness from others that aren’t invited.
Mmm people say your an introvert you don’t like people your never happy, but the truth is I’m happy in my own way I may not show it but I’ll always show that I want to be around you.

It’s been 3 years since it happened I haven’t thought about at all till last night, when I was asleep I thought it was just a dream and that it didn’t really happen. But it did it did to me and I always blamed myself because I thought I loved him. I got told afterwards that it was my fault that because I was with him it was okay that I wanted it. After saying no a few times and I remember pushing him off me I gave up maybe if I let it happen it would go past fast, this dream has really ****** with my mind it’s all I can think about it and opening up a case just to relive it is something I don’t want to do. But maybe I just need to talk about it idk if it will help I just want my mind to forget about it.
I don’t understand how my mind can block out my abuse but not this.

I’ve been in the mental health service from the age of 12! I taught myself to grow up at the age of 13, from the age of 13 I started sh I was admitted in hospital for the very first time at the age of 13, after been abused verbally and physically and sexually, a few years go by and at the age of 17 I was sexually assaulted that too my innocents, at the age of 18 I was sa again, at the age of 19 I was admitted into hospital like 7 times in a year at the age of 20 I was in hospital for 2 weeks with security and nurses having to stand at the edge of my bed because I attempted to run away, at the age of 21 I was back in hospital for 3 weeks and I was homeless at that time, now thinking back from the age of 13 till the age of 21 I was in and out of hospital therapy all because of one person that one person that stole my childhood and I still managed to go home every time with the doctors knowing that when they see me next week my story didn’t change I just added more stuff on, I was never able to tell anyone about the abuse I was going through because I was trapped so I tired everything I could to try stop thinking about it, this one time when I was in hospital I really didn’t want to live and the nurse left a pen on the table next to me so I took it went to the bathroom and started sh the nurse asked me to open the door and I didn’t do they came in and from then I wasn’t aloud to go anywhere without someone next to me as much as I hated what they were doing and they were trying to keep me alive and all I was thinking was why me why am I worth living when every night I go through so much abuse, but today I’m so glad to stay I’ve left that part of chapter behind me now i see that keep all the hate and anger you built up throughout the years didn’t do you any good, I’m proud to say I’m 3 months completely clean and I haven’t thought about touching anything sharp, I’m so proud of myself and who I have become as a person as a friend I feel new

Do you ever feel like your alone, but you have have friends and a partner but somehow you just feel so alone but like you can’t tell anyone because they just won’t understand no matter how hard you try to tell them you can’t seem to get the words out, your finally in a stable healthy environment but you feel so lost that something is missing in your life you have so many thoughts running through your mind you can’t bearly think , family work social life you just can’t seem to understand anything anymore your out of your dark low stages at one point you were in and now your slowly finding yourself again but what if you can’t find what if you have been searching for that person you use to be before everything bad happened in your life what if you know your never going to get that back but you try so hard because that’s what makes you feel something, or that your so use to how you were when things were toxic and you were very depressed and that’s the only thing you are use to, what happens then, who am I . And what is my new purpose in the better me.