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 Aug 19 Traveler
nivek
I love you more in solitude
-my prayer life assures me

folk on whispered lips
-heartfelt honesty
Loneliness deepens, days blend.
Phone in hand, heart sinks.
Memories taunt, 'what if' whispers.
Self-worth unravels, sparkle lost, emptiness remains.
Lies looking for girls to tell them
gather in groups--
little ions looking for a charge.

Girls grow up greedy to spout the wildest stuff
about each other
or boys
or you.

Girls spend hours in front of mirrors
telling lie upon lie.
I'm ugly/ I'm pretty/ that's enough/ never enough.

Girls grow and haul a whole hope chest stuffed with lies
behind them to college,
to the altar,
to the nursery.

Lies looking for girls to tell them are never lonely for long.
Diogenes ran a girls' school until he lost his mind.
The students lied and said he went sailing.

Sit with me. Talk.
Our mothers did the best they could.
We'll always be like sisters.
This tea is good.

Lies looking for girls to tell them
don't stop when friends go home.
They circle when you're
anxious
afraid
alone.

At sunset I shake all my gathered lies from my apron to the sky,
and when they work together,
oh my
how the feathers fly.
 Aug 19 Traveler
mysterie
"act nonchalant"
"im so nonchalant"
"oh my gosh he is so mysterious!"
"why is she so mysterious and serious?"

nonchalant this,
mysterious that,
what about smiling?
showing your feelings?

showing your happiness?

laughing is better than being
nonchalant
and mysterious.

smiling is better than being
numb
and serious.

living your best life is better than being
somber
and enigmatic.

smile in photos.
laugh with your friends.
scream at concerts.
dance at parties --
or even at the store
when a good song
echoes through the speakers.

be you.

not this
nonchalant,
mysterious,
serious,
numb,
somber
and enigmatic
version of you.

because its not you.
date wrote: 18/8
i hated that nonchalant trend..
 Aug 19 Traveler
mysterie
writing these are dumb.

stupid even.

no one my age writes!
i feel so out of place.
alone,
drowning in my feelings almost.

i cant breathe.
being the odd one out
is already enough.
not this dumb nerdy trait too.

"she writes whenever she feels"

"uh oh! be careful she might write about you"

so what?
i can't exist now?

fine.

ill stop.
on the account of my anxiety
getting worse --
my attendance too.
my friends leave me slowly.

i grow distant from the world
when i get anxious
and my writing helps me with that.

yeah, let's stop writing
and let that happen.
date wrote: too long ago, months back. like..january?

honestly had to change this up a bit, it's different on the project page..
also the last entry of a peek into a girls notes :(

more soon 👀👀
Billions of stars in the sky

only one close enough

is all it takes

to light up the earth.

Billions of people in the world,

only one special enough

is all it takes

to light up a heart.
THE BACKWARD LOOK
( for D.B. )


the blackbird
leaves me a note
pinned to the sky


that blue
beyond
blue


the tide
of the moment
turning turning


Time
like apple blossom
falling through my mind


the little boy
unable to believe
that this day is not


made of forever
and only
now


I walk back
through my self
to unpin the note


the blackbird wrote
with his voice
still pinned


to that
self same
sky


the blue so still
beyond
even its self


I, at last, able to read
the birds words
its language a secret


no longer to me
"I  sing..."  it says  "...I sing
because all this must die!"


"I sing the moment's tide
its turning
always turning!"


It's throat
full of song
glorying in being


alive for this
one eternal
moment








A moment ago he had been singing( as he had been singing for me all these years ):

"In the event
that this fantastic voyage
Should turn to erosion
and we never get old
Remember it's true, dignity is valuable
But our lives are valuable too"

I was also reading this 4 line fragment from the 9th century :

"There is one
I would wish to see again,
And give the golden world to win -
All, all, though all were vain."

"Fil duine
Frismbad buide lemm díuterc
Ara tabrainn in mbith mbuide
Uile, uile, cid díupert."

And so I wrote him this little poem....THE BACKWARD LOOK.
Verse

See the crone that comes
through the thorn-walk and the breaks,
with a ribbon for the coffin key
and a dead-scroll curled with snakes,

she will never die.
she will never die.
roll her bones through the catacombs--
she hasn't the grace to die.

Inverse

My eyes were tired, so I set them soft
in the cotton-bedded heart of a pale red box;
deep under the earth with the coldsong quick,
was nothing--and nothing--I reveled in it.

Verse

Hear the crone who lies
with a dead tongue, poison-sweet,
words chopped blind with a kitchen knife
tourniquet-wrapped and awfully neat.

her teeth in the flesh
her teeth in the flesh
slips gangrene dreams through the finest screens
making rot-milk sold as fresh.

Inverse

My soul was sick, so I intertwined
its feminine face with androgyne,
to speak itself twice in a language of thorns
to bleed--to bear--where vermilion's born.

Verse

Bury the crone who's filled
with a paste of hate in her hollow bones,
a candle kept in the bag of her gut
to wax the devil a hag-head stone.

she will never die.
she will never die.
resurrected, insane, infected,
she hasn't the grace to die.
__
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