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Thinking of You Oct 2020
I have a suspicion there is something I am supposed to be looking forward to.

Is that you?
Thinking of You Jun 2021
Looking back it’s funny that we never took many photos together.
A few goofy ones & ugly selfies.
But never posed ones for social media.
I guess it was because for the first time I didn’t feel the need to look good in a relationship.
I knew we were good.
No proof needed.
Thinking of You Jun 2021
He just feels like mine.
Not in a possessive way just in a fitting way.
Like that solid color puzzle piece you’ve had to the side waiting to see where it goes.
And then finally you see it.
Like oh, yes- of course.
Of COURSE it goes there.
How could it not?
How could it ever go anywhere else?
Thinking of You Mar 2022
He’s just not into you.
You know it to be true.
You know what it feels like when someone loves you.

He’s just not that into you,
You know it to be true.
If he was you wouldn’t be making up excuses of why he didn’t text you.

He’s just not that into you
You know it to be true.
And that’s ok, because you never loved him.
Thinking of You Jun 2021
I keep having vivid dreams about you.
Almost every night.
Last night I had one that felt so real.
I was telling you how heartbroken I was and you were blowing it off, like you didn’t believe me.

Then you said:
“It’s dumb for someone like you to be that heartbroken about a guy like me.”

Was it actually just my subconscious or maybe it was something else, could it be real? Were we communicating on a dream plane?
Thinking of You May 2021
I am worthy of love.
I am not the insults past lovers have called me.
I have so much to give.
Pure and loyal love.
Which will be reciprocated.
I will be loved so fiercely.
No one.
Not even me.
Will be able to doubt it.
I will be loved so fully that I can show the depths of my love to another.
I am worthy of love.
Thinking of You Jul 2021
Like a burn victim wrapping their welts.
A dog licking its wounds.
A torn muscle in an ice bath.

I will build myself back together after you.
These broken bones will grow back stronger.
I’m not there yet, but I’m healing.
Thinking of You Sep 2021
I will find someone - someday.
Who will match me.
Who I do not need shrink for.  
Who will accept me, in all of my rawness.
I will not reduce or downplay my aspirations for any man.
I will press forward and the right people who desire the same things will come into my life.
Thinking of You Aug 2021
I spent so many nights out on this balcony thinking about you.
Worried about you.
Imagining life with you.
Missing you.
Longing for you.
Now all I feel is regret.
August
Thinking of You Jul 2021
I’ve got to detox you out of my system.
I’m going through withdrawals.
Even though your love was synthetic.
My body was convinced it was real.
Thinking of You Aug 2020
Some things we feel are real.
Some are not.
The phantom phone vibration in your pocket.
The effects of the placebo pill.
The spiritual awakening.
The new disciple who was touched by God.
We can feel anything if we want it bad enough.

“It’s so close I can feel it.”

Are the hymns sung in every pew in vain?
Are we all just trying to feel something?


But then again, who knows.
Your lips feel Holy to me.
Thinking of You Sep 2021
I’m not sure why I keep remembering the good parts this week.

Maybe because your birthday is coming up.

Maybe because I just stopped talking to a guy I had been seeing for a few months and realized I wasn’t sad at all.
I didn’t grieve about it.
I haven’t thought about him.
I’ve instead been thinking of you.
4 months later.
And sometimes 4 months ago feels like another life and sometimes it feels like last week.

Maybe because I’m in that stage of loss after forgiveness where I can look back without anger and really feel it.

I know the universe has my back.
I know I dodged a bullet.
So why are there tears in my eyes thinking back to when I’d fall asleep with my head on your chest?
Why does what you know is ultimately the best thing, hurt so much?
Thinking of You Feb 2021
You make me believe in romcoms again.
You’re the one I wouldn’t run away from.
Thinking of You Aug 2022
So even though you have broken my heart, yet again, I wanted to say, in another life, I would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you.
Thinking of You Apr 2012
What if we ran off into the inked darkness with nothing to wrap us but the cool, fog-lined summer’s air.

What if we forget all of our problems and let laughter and games of immature hide-n-seek take their place.

What if we decided to give up everything for the chance to find something that we weren’t sure existed.

What If we left tonight.

Meet me at the sail boat, we’ll drift away together.
Thinking of You Jul 2021
I thought there would be no one else.
That you would be the last.
But then, there was.
It feels different.
Like a new season.
Less harsh temperatures and volatile weather.
It’s more like a slight breeze 72 degree day.
It’s nice to not have a chapped face and cold hands.
Even if I still do miss the shock it would give me when I opened my door in the mornings.
We’ll see what this new season holds.
I hope it’s gentle.
Thinking of You May 2023
So much guilt from unproductive time.
I love an idle Saturday.
But somehow I can’t avoid hating myself for taking one.
Thinking of You Mar 2021
My mind creates you when you’re not here to hold me.
I dream of you every night.
Maybe it’s for the best.
It probably is.
Just letting go of any hope of you.
Even the hope I don’t admit to myself.
I need to shut it all out.
I know logically you are wrong for me.
Now I need it to sink in.
Thinking of You Dec 2012
The schedule is set. The schedule cannot be touched. No. No. I do not bluff. Do not mess with my plans do not think you can change them, I have a way of completing them as I had previously arranged them. You will be kind, you will be neat. You will most certainly not drag your feet. Be on time. Leave swiftly when we are done. Remember, this isn't about having fun. You will take a test, choose an answer, A through D. You grades depend on your answers, no, you cannot plea. Because everything here is standard. That's why we call it a standardized test you see. We want to know how average you are. How basic can we make you. How can we take all of your skills, intelligence, capability and capacity and smush it together? A test of course, A through D, the letter you choose will determine what you mean to me. It will define you in the long run and can hurt or help a great deal. So don't buy into all of the nonsense that you are creative. No, we want none of that here, unless it is in the art room, and we're talking about paper and what you can smear. Because here it's all about what you "know" although I don't care if you understand or remember it. I'm just doing what the government thinks is best, they give me all of my money, so I always adhere to it. No, I don't care about you, your relationships, uniqueness, or capacity to change this world. I just care about what letter you bubble in on that test, so go ahead, pick C, so our statistics can go up and the school board will get an "atta girl."
I just remembered one of our first conversations about relationships.

We were on the treeline ski lift and had just passed the chalet bar. I had just finished telling you about how I had broken up with everyone in relationships. Somewhat in a braggy way - like the “I don’t get dumped I dump thing.” (Gross and cringe looking back.)

You responded with “Well that’s not a good thing.”

And I started justifying it and how I struggle with relationships telling you, I just always feel like I’m losing something in a relationship- reducing myself or just possibilities of the future. Like I’m losing freedom. Losing potential.

You responded again “Well that’s also not a good thing.”

Which of course I agreed was bad but had no hope on fixing.

You continued, “A good relationship should feel expansive, not contracting, that just means you have the wrong person.”

Which, I also knew people in healthy relationships feel like it is additive, not subtractive but I didn’t know if that could ever be me. If I’d ever feel like if I wasn’t settling or compromising in one way or another.

I think that’s one of the first ways I realized I was in love with you. I imagined our life together, growing together, and I didn’t feel like I would have to fit myself in a box. It felt like you could take all of the possibilities of me. It felt like the world would get bigger.
Thinking of You Mar 2021
On that balcony in Paris -
I wanted to call you with every fiber of me.

Like a life-long smoker trying to not light that cigarette wedged between his fingers.

Shaking.

I was an addict craving my next fix.
The withdrawals of you stung.
My body ached for you.

I knew you were poison.

I didn’t call you that night.
I wasn’t miraculously strong after.

But that was the first night I said no.
And I wasn’t sure if I could.

It was the first time that fresh air was inhaled where I felt in control.

I wanted to so badly. But didn’t.

That wasn’t the end, it took more pain before that happened.

But I am still proud looking back to that balcony.
I finally kicked my habit
Thinking of You Mar 2012
Someday you will find me.
You will look me in the eyes, and I will just know.
No second guessing.
No questioning.
Just the knowledge that it is right.
And that moment, that moment, will be one to remember.
That moment, is the one I am looking forward to.
Thinking of You Aug 2017
Saw you on the street tonight,
you were walking my way.

You were with Arnie,
I knelt down to play.

You tried to pull him away from me,
Like I was a stranger passing by.

The excitement in his little body, made me want to cry.

I asked you if you weren't going to stop,
You gave in and paused.

I got dirt all over my face, from his little paws.

Everyone thinks their dog is special,
But Arnie actually is.

He has a lightness about him that makes you forget the world isn't sheer bliss.

You looked at me with such disgust and asked me how I was. Hoping it was bad.

I said I was good and asked you the same.

You said
GREAT!
FANTASTIC!
COULDN'T BE BETTER!
I LOVE MY JOB!
I GOT A RAISE!
I'M SEEING SOMEONE NEW!

I said that's great and i'm happy for you.

You pulled him away from me soon after that.

Our little puppy grown up. He wasn't coming back.

I hope you know i'm actually happy for you,
if any of what you said is true.

I wish no ill intent on you.

My only upset is for the girl who comes next,
and the coldness she will one day receive.

I gave parts of myself to you I have never given to anyone.
We shared a dog, a home, a life, for over a year together.

Yet, you act like i'm a stranger on the street.

I get it. We all get mad and say things we shouldn't in fights.

But it has been a month since you've seen me or talked.
So how can hate be the first reaction in sight?

The lack of kindness in your eyes was inhumane.

You are a soul sucker who has moved onto his next victim.
Tossing losses to the side.

You said I was dead to you.
Guess what ******.

I'm Not.
17 months without seeing you -

1 phone call and every feeling I ever suppressed exploded into my body.

I thought the dam I had built was a precautionary one. A nice safety mechanism in case it ever monsoons.

I had no idea water had been building on the other side patiently waiting for one small crack to burst completely.
Thinking of You Apr 2021
Like elastic being stretched apart,
Only to be slapped back together again once the resistance eases.
I crash back into you every. ****. time.
Thinking of You Jul 2021
You are not the man I thought you were.
I was in love with a ghost.
A vapor.
A story - of who you wanted to be for me.
Now I understand the man I loved did not exist.
It was always the hope.
It was always the potential.
The shared idea we had together.
It feels like suffocation accepting this was a lie.
I hope I can breathe again soon.
Thinking of You Apr 2021
We raced to the beach to catch the sunset
Parking quickly and running out
Many others had done the same.

I look to my right and realize over 100
People are on this beach to watch
The sun leave us over the horizon.

We talk about previous civilizations’
Religious rituals
In that moment, I realized I was in one.
Thinking of You Mar 2021
Everywhere I imagine myself going-
The vacations I have yet to plan.
Cities I have not yet seen.
I imagine waking up there with you.
Thinking of You Dec 2021
Maybe the reason writing is so soothing to me is because I truly am a woman of my word.
I know these letters I write will not be lies.
Thinking of You Jun 2021
Like the moon determining the tides on shore. - My pain for you comes in swells.

It sinks back into the depths of me where I almost think it’s gone.
And then it crashes back to the surface far up my beaches.
Destroying my sand castles.
Erasing all progress I made while it was away.
It mocks my efforts.
Pulling them back to the depths of the dark floor.
Thinking of You Jan 2013
I don’t want to die a repeated flame of the should haves, would haves, could haves, to live a life of potential that is never acted upon. I do not want to stand at the resounding end, after my heart has pumped it’s last liter of blood and my lungs have taken in their last gasp of air and wish I would have done more with the ones I had. Wish I had loved more, gave more, hoped more, allowed myself to dream more; about the possibilities and complexities of life. Refusing to settle for a life of ordinary and average. A life of the almost.
Thinking of You Aug 2020
I didn’t need this city to create magic.
I needed me - fully unleashed, raw and unapologetic.

LA was just the place I finally allowed that to manifest.
Thinking of You Apr 2023
After all of this time.
All these years.
I still have such a lust for possibility.
I still love the dream.
I still love working towards it.
Life is too big to dream small.

I think one of my issues with relationships is that I’ve seen them as a destination.
Instead of a climb.
A point to get to instead of a path to take with a friend.
The journey is the fun part.
Thinking of You Mar 2012
As I laid on the roof with my back against the shingles and the guitar over my chest, I could glance out toward the right and see dashes of heat lightening rapidly setting the sky aglow for a few short moments, while I watched the last remnant of color diminish from the cloud above me.

I wondered what the cloud was seeing, it still had the warmth of the sun that i could no longer gaze upon. I watched as it slowly faded into the blackness I was in. It seemed instantaneously after the cloud disappeared into the blackness a star was there to take it's place. I began to notice the crevices in the oak tree above me, as the twilight made out it's shapes.

The only light the earth was yielding were the few stars above me that weren't blocked by clouds I could no longer see. I looked across the street and saw a dimly lit lamp post, that looked like it could have been from a mythical time, it was surrounded by branches that it's light could just reach to outlines of their vegetation.
As I breathed in, I set my head on the roof I knew to be grey but now was black, and found my gaze anchored on one small star out by itself, absent from any other form of constellation. It flickered, as if it was an aged lantern, far way in the distance, who's light was ailing to die out.

While I watched the lantern I unconsciously observed the lamp in our neighbor's house across the street present itself, once it did a man placed himself in a chair to read, while I was watching him I began to ponder about the activity in all of the other dark houses around me,  all of us in boxes that we spend most of our time in. But then I was drawn back to my little isolated star, watching the ever so minuscule light glimmer, in the sea of black.

And as I watched, that weak star I had thoughts, I had thoughts of you, mainly of you. Somewhere, on this planet you were present. It's Friday, so are you out with friends, prehaps being a quarter back for a football team I don't know the name of, or on a date with a girl who's trying to make a good impression.
Then I pondered a thought, what if you were seeing something similar to what I had my eyes set upon. If you could be lying down, and looking up at sky, soaking in the atmosphere, and if you could be looking at the same solitude star I was peering into.

And then I just laid there, and could not look away, not for a moment, I was enjoying the knowledge of knowing we are both under the same sky, and you could be viewing the same star I was, and I imagined looking at you, and watching you study my favorite lonely star. And when I did, I didn't feel the night air on my legs, the marks in my hands from the guitar strings, the still damp bathing suit on my body, or the sandpaper like shingles that were beneath me. At that moment, I felt you, looking back. And that was enough.
Thinking of You May 2012
Often I find that things happen a certain way for a reason. It might not be obvious, it might not be a planned out thing. But usually behind every little thing there is a reason for why it happened. Little little things leading into little things, that lead it to kinda little things, that lead into things that aren't so little. Whatever you do, whoever you are. Be good at it. Even in the little little things. Because, eventually they will become big things.
Thinking of You Nov 2019
But no one seems to ever be able to tell me. Is it brave to quit or is it brave to stay?
Thinking of You Feb 2014
"But why?" He asked, "Why can't we just mess around and see where it goes."

"Because I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I intend to keep."

"What's that?" He asked.

"To never love anyone who treats me like I'm ordinary."

And with that she walked away with confidence, knowing that now he never will.
Thinking of You Apr 2021
You don’t make me happy.
I am that on my own.
But you magnify my happiness so beautifully.
Like an acoustic guitar being plugged into an amp.
The same, but louder.
The same, but better.
Thinking of You Apr 2014
It's funny how something as insignificant like a roll of fat in your mid-section or a lack of a thigh gap can make someone have such harsh judgements on someone.
You could be the most amazing girl in the world, but if you don't have a rockin' *** you will be overlooked.
You can be a complete idiot with a great figure and guys will fawn over you like you are life changing.  

So it's okay if you don't think i'm good enough, or that i'm worth it.

Because i'm going to lose weight this summer, for me. And then you're going to realize I am the whole package. That you can't have.

You will try. Because I now have the body and the brains.
But it will be too late.
You won't be able to get the hotter version of me.
Too late.
You ****.
Thinking of You Aug 2017
That's the thing about love.
You can't get rid of it.
The more you give it away the more it comes back.
Thinking of You Jun 2021
If this is, what my fear is telling me this is.
Then you are not the man, I thought you were.
And this was a lie.
Thinking of You Sep 2012
I just want to love someone and be loved in return. I don't want the texting, dating, flirting and getting to know each other. I don't want the attention, the thrill. I don't want a relationship status changed. I simply want to have someone I can say and be anything and everything with.
Thinking of You Sep 2017
Time is everything we have and don't.

I will choose to live the time I have in a place I want to be.
Thinking of You May 2021
I love you and I’ve run out of excuses of why I shouldn’t say it.

I’m not saying this out of insecurity.
I’m saying this from a place of confidence because even if you break up with me, I want you to know.

I don’t want to have held in what I know. What I have known since February, maybe before.

I want to be vulnerable with you because I’ve never felt like I could before.

So I need to say this to you unprompted.
I need to say it first.
I love you.
I love this version of you.
I don’t love the idea of you.
I love this life with you.
I love you more than I have ever loved anyone else.
Thinking of You Aug 2017
You’re going to mess up a lot.
Each time you’re going to think it’s the end of the world.

It’s not.

Don’t believe everything you think & know you and your future are entirely up to you.
To My 7th Grade Self and me everyday.
Thinking of You Nov 2021
There’s been a lot of toxic love before you.
You being pure makes me see it.
Thinking of You Apr 2012
He found me, and just, looked at me, my likes, dislikes, bad hair days, bad moods, and awful thoughts. He looked at all of my shame, all of the hate, and decided He had to make me a clean slate. He wrote me a note, a little letter directly to my heart, After I read it, He told me He had a whole book I could read if I wanted. I said I would like to and asked where I could find it, but He said "You already have it, dusty, on one of the shelves in your room."
Thinking of You Oct 2014
I could write that I'm okay being single and I could write that I don't need a boyfriend. And those things would be true. It would also be true if I told you I was happy, and loved my life. But on fall nights with a nip in the air, it would be false if I told you that didn't stay up late and look at cute couples on tumblr.
All this time I thought I was alone.
Comparing you to everyone when you had moved on with your life.
Only to find out, you were also stuck.
We were unaware we were each others best.
6 hour phone call
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