your name is
forbidden in
my mouth
or in my heart
because when
i think about
you;

i'll cry a little more,
hurt a little stronger
love a little softer
because you no longer
make me feel sober

i'm drunk on the
memory of you

Over the span of a decade, we’ve gone everywhere and done almost everything that two people could do together.

We’ve traveled across twelve states-

Buying matching earrings in South Dakota,
Being educated by indigenous elders in Montana,
Balancing on risqué edges in Washington for beautiful views and photos.

In Florida, I watched you step in to the ocean for the first time, only two days after you had first utilized air travel.

And I could never forget the way that UV index and saltwater air made your spirit lighter than I had ever seen.

Snowy, winding roads in Idaho,
Unnerving stops for gas in so many middles of nowhere,
All of the places that caused you to say out loud “Now THIS is where I would be happy,”,
And all of the time we spent imaging our lives sprinkled across I-90 and I-94,
Laughing with our hands held high out of the windows,
Blasting music,
Or eating pizza in the trunk while parked at a random CVS.

For the longest time, you were my main and favorite travel buddy,
going all over and back,
And it’s crazy that I can’t even tell you about the adventures I’ve had of my own lately.



All the places we’ve gone together and now I don’t even know where in the world you are.

If your entire life


you’ve been enveloped by


chaos,


finally finding peace will feel


dull.

She had that
octopus smile,
always reaching for
something.
I was her small
fish; her handmaid.
I lived in her nebulous
world for far too long.
Inky confusion...

There's a reason for
your treason, said the
old man to the shark,
but Hem forgot, a beast
is a beast, they do
beastly things.
We all have to eat.

I'm done being the
meal.
It's your Ocean,
I'm just trying to
swim in it.

You're an oyster,
and I want your
pearl,
but I won't drown
for it.

I wish people would more often discuss the period of mourning that comes along with missing someone who is still on this earth.

When you are practically inseparable from someone for ten years of your life,

only to have them disappear one day with no explanation,

It feels the same as them leaving this world forever.

Because when someone leaves this world permanently,

The waves of pain,
and sorrow,
and anger,
and tears,

and begging and pleading and negotiating and bargaining that you go through,

Are a result of knowing that you will NEVER be able to see or speak to,

or touch them

Again.

So why isn’t there the same level of understanding for the grief that comes with someone leaving your personal world,

when you know the sudden, permanent lack of communication and physicality,

are the same?