Narcissistic Deception
Us against the world, I can't believe I was so naive.
Even when I knew better, you still led me to believe.
While I thought about not having to say goodbye,
You were only thinking about “Me, myself, and I”.
You left me when I needed you most.
You said you loved me in all the pictures you did post.
I thought you would always be there for me.
I’ve always been struggling more than you can see.
Even after everything you did, I love you more than ever.
I could never leave or betray you, no, never.
You thought buying presents for me would make me forgive you?
Being there for me is a better thing you could do.
I rarely even had one real friend,
All I could do was pretend

I feel like i am the worst daughter,
The first time I smiled in years was after my dad went to prison…
I feel terrible, because I didn’t cry for months.
I still remember the look on his face when the police took him from me..
His beard wasn’t short but wasn’t long, and it was red with some gray..
His eyes had this look in them like he was upset I had to see him like that.
They just gave me the silent apology that his voice couldn’t.
His eyebrows were slightly raised like he didn’t know how I would react.
He seemed like he was surprised and hurt.
Surprised I didn’t react or cry,
Hurt I didn’t try to stop them from taking him.
I walked away without even looking back.
What kind of child does that?
Just walks away from the person they loved the most?
The person who was their whole world.
It made me feel so horrible, I stopped eating.
I wouldn’t eat much for months until I met my new parents,
I still felt like a terrible daughter and thought nobody would ever love me again.
All the people I met just kept proving that to me,
Everyone but them

I want to say thank you.
If you didn’t leave me, I wouldn’t be here now.
But I don't know if I can mean it.
Some said you did your best, but did you really?
You could’ve stopped the drugs, gone to rehab
But did you? No you did not.
I try not to be angry with you, but you made it difficult
I know you say you changed, but you’ve said that before.
I can’t help but be angry
You left me and I thought I forgave you, but maybe I truly can't.
I do love you but i dont know if I can call you my father…
Chris has been more of a dad to me in these 4 years than you were for most of my life.
I know, we had good years, but we had more bad.
You were my best friend, but I wasn’t yours.
I know you loved me but you had a horrible way of showing it.
You made me feel undervalued and unappreciated.
Even when you get out, I might have to say bye for a while.
I thought I could see you again, but I’ve worked so hard for myself.
Seeing you will make me go backwards again.
It’ll bring back all the memories
I know the effect it’ll have on me
The effect it will have on those around me.
If I see you again, I’ll start being angry at home.
I can't explain it but I know it’ll happen.
I might get depressed, and I can’t afford to do that again.
Every time you left me, it got easier to say goodbye.
I couldn’t physically cry after a while.
I was left to comfort your ex while she balled her eyes out and used your drugs.
I wish I could forgive you
I wish I could thank you,
But I can’t mean it.

If it weren’t for my new family, I wouldn’t be alive today
When I was young, I thought of the different ways I could end it all,
I thought about slitting my wrists, like I saw someone else try,
I thought about a gun because my grandpa did and my dad threatened to do the same,
I even thought about drugs because my dad had so many around.
I wouldn’t be here because I didn’t think I deserved any better,
And everyone I knew made me feel like that.
I couldn’t trust my own family and if I couldn’t trust them,
Then how could I expect to trust anyone?
I thought of ways to end it before I was even 8.
No child should think like that, but I did.
My mind and family made me feel worthless,
I thought nobody would miss me, to this day, I still feel like that sometimes.
I didn’t want to live because I felt disgusting,
I didn’t speak up when my brother walked into my room every night,
I didn’t speak up when he made me shut up and take my clothes off,
I didn’t speak up for years… I still haven’t.
I didn’t speak up.. But I could have,
Couldn’t I?
I was only 4 the first time I learned how little I could trust people.
I was only a child and a babysitter I trusted would walk into my room at night,
Take me to the living room, and make me touch him when I don't want to.
I didn’t speak up… Why didn’t I ever speak up?
It made me feel so stupid and feel like I let it happen,
I didn’t want any of it but they didn’t let me have a choice..
It was only a couple years later, My oldest brother tried.
This time.. I spoke up!
I showed my dad proof of what he was trying to do to me,
But I felt terrible because my dad basically disowned him…
It made me want to die knowing I hurt them, I didn’t want to hurt either of them.. But i did,
All I do is hurt the people I love the most.
I decided then and there.. My dad won’t find out about my other brother…
But what good did that do? It only hurt me more in the end…
I didn’t think I mattered to anyone,
And they only kept proving it to me by leaving me or hurting me.
My dad chose the drugs and the fix,
My bio mom chose the drugs and my brother over me.
Nobody even noticed if I was home or not
I still tend to wonder how long it would take everyone to notice.
Would anyone cry?
How would my family have reacted if I took my life when I wanted to?
Would they know they were the reason?
Would they just say I was being dramatic?
I couldn’t talk to my dad about it because he had his own ‘problems’…
I didn’t make the cut for his top priorities..
I never thought I would for anyone,
But that was before I met my new family,
They helped me realize that I really do matter.
For a while, I still questioned if they really liked me and why,
But I finally started realizing, after they put up with me for so long.
They saw me at my worst and instead of putting me further down and leaving me,
They helped me get up to my best.
If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be alive.
Ever since I met them, I haven’t ever thought of ways to end it.
They put up with me when everyone else would leave,
I would try to push them away by arguing because i thought they would leave,
I still do that to this day sometimes because I'm scared.
But I have finally started realizing that they are stuck with me
And I am stuck with them, but I am not complaining.
I finally know what it feels like to be a part of a family.
It means staying by each other no matter what and never betraying each other.