I'd tell you're worth it
I'd tell you're not worthless

I don't care.
I tell myself that.
I don't care.
I tell everyone that.
But the truth is...I care...even if I try not to.
I care even if I act cold.
I care even if I act tough.
I care even if I act like I don't.
I can't stop caring.
I feel deep.
I act like I don't.

I don't know.
I don't know what to write what to say how to say it how to be.
I have ideas.
I have people I could talk to about it.
I have it but I can't use it.
I could but that means opening up...
Opening up about something deep inside of me...
Opening up about my biggest burden...
Opening up about something hurtful...
Opening up about something I kept hidden...
Opening up about something buried deep...
Opening up about something I pushed down...
Opening up about something I ignored for years...
So I can't do it.

'Don't cry' They'd say
'You cry too much' They'd say
'Crying is weak' They'd say
'You're too sensible' They'd say
'You're such a crybaby' They'd say
'You're too much' They'd say
I was 9 but I felt broken
I stopped showing my sadness
Bottling it all up
I dare not cry
'Crying is bad' I'd tell myself
'I'm proud of you for not crying' They'd say
BUT
Crying is NOT bad
Crying is HEALTHY
Crying is a STRENGTH
Feeling deep is a GIFT
I know that now

Words should feel easy right?
Something to communicate
Something to understand each other
Something to avoid misunderstandings
Something to explain thoughts and feelings
But it doesn't
It just doesn't...
Words feel like a puzzle you can't solve
Your mind is a mess which you can't explain
Everyone says "It's okey take your time"
They don't get it...
They don't ******* get it!
You don't need "more time"
The words just don't ******* match what your mind does and thinks
Words are a ******* Puzzle everyone seems to have solved just not you
A puzzle with broken pieces
A puzzle with missing pieces
A puzzle with not matching pieces
A just unsolvable ******* puzzle.

Why am I not happy
Everything is okey
Nothing bad
And even if..
Nothing big just minor bad
Should be happy
Should be grateful
Should be okey
But no
Spiraling into negativity
Why...
Why is the usual not working
Why...
I should be okey
But I'm not...

When did we stop wanting to become a firefighter
When did we stop wanting to become a police man
When did we stop wanting to be someone great

When did we stop dreaming
When did we stop fighting
When did we start settling with the easy option
When did we stop ...
When did we stop ...
When did we stop living