No agreeability.
Force herself right into me.
See how she hides everything.
Oh but yet she can't accept
My bisexuality.

No, honestly.
Why am I still pondering?
Why am I still wondering?
Why the **** am I sitting here
Worried about what my momma thinks?

Seriously.
I don't worship Deities.
She said I did recently
Why do I even care when
She can't read me decently?

It's not fair.
I know what I feel there.
I talk to Him, I'm not scared.
I don't need to be treated
Like I'm spiritually impaired.

The last time
I've committed no ******* crime
I'm not replica of your design
This body I walk in,
This body is mine.

And despite of your words that burn
I will keep loving my life.

Seven times wrong, seven times right
I wonder when i'll sleep tonight
The cold dead air washes the trees
Whispering over, caressing the seas
Making me wish I had clearer purpose
Instead of wondering if all this is worth it

"I love you," she says in a slumber
What if i told her i don't believe her?
All you do is be there, you never worry
And when I am crying, you never hold me
When I come to you, you are only there
There only enough for my tired eyes to stare

You let me breathe solemnly, comfortably so
But would you hold me and never let me go?
You let me walk on you, wherever I need
But would you bandage me if i were to bleed?
You give me food, every single type
But would you fall asleep with me, every single night?

Why doesn't this house
Look like a house
Unless it's wintertime?

Why is it that when I walk through it
I see my own body, in different places, crying like I used to
But only in the wintertime.

The walls don't ever seem
This real
This alive
Like they're out to get me
Unless it's wintertime.

Maybe it's because my AC gets turned off.
And I can no longer drown out the whispers of the past
With the draining moans of cool air.

Maybe it's because,
When I can hear the cars and birds outside,
All I can possibly think of
Is waiting, 6am, for an old friend coming to pick me up

Maybe it's because I no longer feel
Comfortable
As my fingertips turn against me.

No matter how many drawings and paintings I put on that wall.
No amount could change the fact that
The wall is still there
It's still that same wall.

No matter how many times I DESPERATELY rearrange my furniture
The structure
God ****** it's still the same room
It's the same room

Why was this so effortless to ignore for so long, but now it won't cease?
Why is this such a big problem all of the sudden,
Again?
Why can't I just grow up and realize that:
He is not a demon,
His spirit is not out to get me,
I can rest.
I can rest.
I CAN rest.

It isn't even Winter yet.
How will I survive another Winter?
I must brace myself.
I will face this demon headstrong.
He will not write my emotions out for me any longer.
He will order ME how to feel NO MORE.

I am my own soul.
But I must brace myself.

Cheesy poetry aside,
The feeling your attention gives me
Compares euphoria to ecstasy
Makes me stutter,
And makes my heart skip
I shiver, and choke up
And you laugh
And I laugh
And then it's better
It gets easier
I get more comfortable
I breathe steadier
I stop shaking
I giggle softer
My heart beats like a soothing melody,
And you are the musician.

You were like a brand new table. I bought you because you looked stable and very nice. I thought you were glossy and smooth, so i ran my fingers along your surface, and I flinched as I got a blister. But the blister was a seed; you deceived me. A seed was forced in me, and I bled eight drops of blood that day. The roots sternly took their territory in me, and kept growing very slowly. I noticed my skin started to open, around my arms. The next day, there were buds on my skin. Weeks to come, lotus flowers had covered my entire body. They were tinted pink from the blood in their roots. The openings became infected but I couldn't see; the lotus covered my body. I didn't mind. It didn't hurt. You seemed as if you being a part of me had no use to you whilst I was rotting away in what I thought was bliss. You knew nothing of how much of me you infected. But it's okay, I liked it. It was different. You were different. You were my lotus infection.

I want to sit somewhere
With you comfortably existing
Against my arm

I want us to say nothing
And in that moment, find peace
In eachother
I want to feel your smile greet my arm
As you notice something peculiar
And you show me; you point

I want to remain silent, with you
Day dreaming and wondering what's
On your mind

I want to go on a word-less journey
With you.
Only exchanging vibes, not sentences

Nobody knows
That when school starts up once again
Get back in the routine
Forget about the time
But then get caught off-guard
Walk outside to catch the bus in the noon
That burst of "I'm back" hitting my body like I'd fallen into nostalgic waters
For I hate the winter.
The absolutely consuming reminder of
When I thought I wouldn't make it through December
Nobody knows
The seasons mean much more to me

Nobody knows
When winter is near done and I've grown to find content in it
"This isn't that horrible," I thought to myself every morning.
Then I notice, eventually
The air doesn't frost my fingertips anymore
"Oh no.."
Dare not, the summer come again
For I hate the summer.
As what is supposed to be soothing air swallows my consciousness,
I remember
That night that she sang to me to cease my cries,
"You self destructive
Little girl
Pick yourself up
Don't blame the world
So you ******* up,
But it's gonna be okay."
It's like her voice echoes through the heavy air,
The words, replaying, thick
Almost as if it touches my very skin.
And I falter, for I cannot even tell
If I am crying because I hate her
Or because I love her
Oh, but
Nobody knows
The seasons mean much more to me

Smooth edged walls means she's okay
Clouds smeared across the sky means she still loves me
A hard, cold floor means she's having fun
A big dining room table means she's in her own little world
Chandeliers mean that she's thinking about beautiful things
Soft water and a beautiful sunset means she's sleepy
Little ducks circling their perimeter means she's waiting
The reflection at the watertop means she's intimate
A vast and heavy blue means she's imagining me at peace
A modern bed means she wishes I was hers
A telephone on the wall means she's getting me to stop crying
Perfect makeup means she's sorry
Expensive food means she's trying to be happy for me
A double rainbow means she hopes everything will be okay
A long car ride means she's regretting it
A reflected balloon means our romance is over
One last videocall means she doesn't love me anymore
A dark night and a tearful phone call means I'm begging her
A small bottle of shark teeth means she's sorry
One song meant that she was lying the whole time
The broken bottle of shark teeth means she can go to Hell.

Who thought we'd exist
In a world where "forevermore"
Is *******'s code for "three days later"

I'm not really sad and
I don't mean to dwell
But what ever happened,
to nine twelve twelve.

Shhh,
Whispered from your very own lips
To quiet your very own emotions
For your brother might wake if you don't
Quiet, for they might hear your thoughts
Don't think
Don't move

She
Used to look at you,
In that way that possessed you
That frightened you
That took hold of you and caressed you.
That captivated and enlightened you.
A drug, you could say,
She,
Was a drug.

E..
Enough? Nonsense.
Elude, as usual, all of your
Desires, guilty pleasures.
For what are they?
Past times?
Missed opportunities?
Lost fantasies?

Air
You felt it on your skin
Swimming through your every strand of hair
Injecting lotus streams through your conscience.
Finding their way to that place you know
Or used to know?
A dream perhaps,
A past life?
What is that room you see
When the air meets you again
The room that returns in your head like a memory
And you think
"When have I been there?
Why do I only feel this when the air runs through me?"

Share
The memories you hold
So dear to you
Or throw them away?
What, now, is the best choice?
Have you forgotten that it's not all about you?

E-
Estranged beliefs
The ignorant bliss of
Refusing to acknowledge.
Entities that appear as old friends.
Old?
...
Friends?
Escape your mind for a while
Relax in your arms

Sheri
I remember you.
I remember your walls breaking for the first time
I remember your darkest, most selfish moments.
I remember your most pathetic and manipulative guilt trips.
I remember your break down, your turning point.
I remember your effort.
I remember your improvement.
I remember your achievements.
I know you.
Thank you
For letting me know you

I won't forget
That time you called me beautiful
Was like no boy could have made me feel
Coming from you, it was honest
It was absolute truth

And I'll never forget
That time you told me
"Nobody wants you here
Why don't you just go"
And I told you you're wrong

I hate you
The way you go from
Pushing blades in my skin
To holding me soft,
"It's okay, I'm here"

I love you
The way you remind me
That everything is temporary
That no matter who comes and leaves
You'll be right here with me

I don't understand.
What are we doing?
Are you my friend or,
Just seeing right through me?

I really don't get it.
Why're we still here?
Are you staying this time or,
Will you disappear?

I really wanna know
Why are you REALLY staying?
You say you don't want to love me,
But your heart's disobeying?

How should I feel about that?!
What should I do?
You have a boyfriend,
And I do too.

So then I guess we're just stuck here
Pretending to be friends
While wishing and wondering
As our little war suspends.

The white, perfect edges and granite tops
Spacious areas and stone floors
Chandeliers and sliding glass doors
Inground pools surrounded by fake rocks
A fake lake with confused ducks swimming about
Mindwashed people in their own little houses
Waiting to go to a place full of happiness, so they say

Meanwhile, I'm in the pool
Don't they know that you feel beautiful when you're weightless
Do they know that the human body is amazing underwater
Do they know what it feels like
I want them to know
I want them to love it

I cannot possibly stop thinking about her. I see her in everything I do, like a mother would watch her child to see if she's doing alright. I feel pampered even though she hasn't spoken a word to me today, and that's fine because I feel her here, inside my head. In my thoughts. I feel a sense of security. Knowing that everything I am doing now, she has done, and I can get through it.

You killed me
And then you sang to me
And it calmed me
And convinced me

You devil
How could you stand there
Cradling me
after you'd burned all of my skin

You deceiving wretch
Convincing me what you did
Was reasonable
Was humane
Wasn't selfish

You sang to me
With that angel's voice of yours
And you made me feel
lost

You made me feel
so small
and then
so loved
it was a lie
we were a lie
you are a lie

Wake up, open your eyes
Float to the window
To open the blinds
It's okay to change your mind

Go to the hallway instead
Wing it, which direction to head?
Left sounds great for today
My little rabbit wants to stay

"Little rabbit, why are you scared?
It's only ten thousand miles of stairs
Nothing will hurt you, I consciously swear.
come with me!, if you dare.

I was so young
That light-headed blissful ignorance,
"Fifty minds
Fifty lines
Fifty crying all the times
Fifty ways
Fifty lies
Fifty I'm gonna change my mind
I changed my mind
I changed my mind
And now I feel indifferent."
Nineteen months later and you
Give me the same
Piercing
Sharp
Lightning strikes
Thunderstorms
Hurricanes
Consuming my consciousness
My eyes roll back and
I give into
Letting the corners of my
Mouth
Separate
Fly, fly away
You
You do this to me
You alone

I wonder how the plants are growing on the windowsill a few cities away.

It's said I'm a friend but they still pretend and I wonder if I'm just the prey.

I can't even know; my thoughts cannot show and besides, what else could I say?

I was offered a threat and t'was said I'd regret, and so I backed down and obeyed.

All else aside, my mind still abides and amends I still want to this day.

Because this is so, I will not let go, and so what this means is: I stay.

No please don't wince, and you cannot convince me to do this any other way.

This angered it so, and I really don't know what kind of a price I will pay.

But no matter what, I've a feeling in my gut and I know that I'll be okay.

I don't like this anymore
I forfeit my facade
I am petrified and scrambling for sense
Stability's lost confidence
Steadily realized,
The cold won't go away this time
The cold has come to stay for a while
How will I remain sane?
How will I collect myself, again?
How can I promise myself I'll get through it, again?
How can I promise myself I won't do it, again?
The cold has come to haunt me as I dare try to sleep it out
Interrupted by the chill,
Stopped in my tracks, as if menacingly whispering,
"Did you think you were going somewhere?"
Dropping me to the floor with the breaking nostalgia like
"Did you think this would be easy just because it's a different year?"
And I act like I can't remember
When I thought I wouldn't make it through December
Cursing myself as if I'd done something wrong
Or felt something wrong
I'd rather curse myself and get it right
than her curse me, and falter to her knees
Again
What kind of coward am I
That Winter scares me?
Terrifies me?
What am I?
I don't like this anymore.

The moment we forgot we were just good friends
You moved your arm, my face went red again
One more bus home, another silent weekend

You said love silently unfolds
And the owner mustn't know
For time will surely show
We'll return to the place we go

A comfort kneading against your sweater
"Keep your head up, we'll get better"
I do as I'm told, not as I tell
Regardless, though, my heart still swells

What - or who, am I to wince at your words?
To feel resent, betrayal, jealousy
About things you haven't said to me
Who am I? (To you?)

I wonder what you're doing right now
It's too cold in here.
Are you pondering something, perhaps?
I didn't eat yet today.
Is someone bothering you; would I be able to help?
I'll have to boil water for my bath later.
How many times do you think softly of me? Or at all?
I haven't brushed my hair, I wonder how messy I look.
I wonder if there's a part of a song or book you've fallen enticed by..
What are those sirens going off for?
I hope you're safe right now, and no one hurts you.
I have school tomorrow, I have to do that worksheet.
Would you still be uncomfortable if I were to hold you for a few seconds too long?
Would you still pull away if I said I want to kiss you?
Oh no, I'm crying again
Would you still sing to me
Not because something's happened, as it did then
But because I'm crying, as I was then?
Would you still sing to me?
Would you still sing?

Matter not how self destructive I was
For I've changed and I can say that firmly
I can say it proudly
I can say it loudly

Matter not how I blamed the world for my mistakes, my bad decisions
For I have changed, and I know it so
I acknowledge my own flaws,
My own bad judgement.

And I let it go.
I have learned to not let it eat at me
Because it's okay
I am fine

I do not need you anymore.
Or so I tell myself
Because how could I let myself
Believe otherwise?

Or is that self-destructive too?
Have I gone wrong again?
Oh but this is all for not
What good am I doing now

All of this, all of it is pointless.
You are of the past,
You will never ever meet with me again
In our secret place

You will never ever brush the hair out of my face
While I look up at the sun
And then I look into your eyes
You will never ever be there again.

So then I will not be there either.
You will never ever see me floating there again.
You will never ever see me smile at your arrival again.
You will never ever feel my hands on your back as I push you to swing a bit higher again.
You will never ever feel my nose nuzzle your arm, playfully begging for your attention again.
You will never ever see me in that floral dress again.

And I, will never ever forgive myself for loving you still.

There she goes again,
Running laps through my brain, though
No competition.

Worlds couldn't compare,
To the way she says my name,
Slipping out like silk.

You inspire me,
Just by being beautiful,
Your pure intention.

I'll never forget,
How kind you were to me then,
Your pure honesty.

"Five syllables here,
And seven syllables there,
Are you happy now?"

Yes I was, darling,
Because I was there with you,
And you were with me.

Cuz I'm just some girl,
Like I've told you once before,
Who really likes you.