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He said "just friends, good friends."
and i nodded in agreement,
even though i felt the fire spark
in my chest long ago.
They all warned me about you,
and i didn't listen.
How was i suppose to
push the feelings away
when all i can think about was
the traces of your hands all
over me
and the warm feeling i got
when you kissed my shoulders.
It was nearly impossible,
but maybe i should've learned my lesson
when i saw you talking to her
pushed up against the wall
in the middle of a party
at three in the morning.
Maybe i should've learned when you
told me you couldn't possibly
have feelings for anyone,
but told me a few weeks later
she was the one that sparked the fire
in your chest.
You would always choose me second.
I think this is the slowest and most
painful way of killing yourself.
But i shouldn't care,
because he always said
just friends,
even when he got too drunk
and decided he wanted to
be in love for the night.
In the pursuit of happiness
I have been cutting the
toxins out of my life and darling,
I'm sorry you had to be one.
You only kiss me when you're
drunk and I have a bad feeling
you would always chose her over me.
And to my best friend, I'm sorry I
was always a second option to you,
but in order to heal i will not settle
for anything less than first place.
And to the man who thought he could
heal me, I always told you that this
was a one man job,
and it was made just for me.
You see i'm not in search for something
that can heal me,
I'm in search for a light,
Maybe just something a little
less broken than me.
I didn't realize how much i was going
to miss you until the cold breeze started
to flow through my windows.
You reminded me of Autumn.
My favorite season out of them all.
The cold air hit me like you did,
when i first met you.
I realized i didn't want to
live through another fall season
again, if i had to do with without you.
Now that you're gone i know the leaves
are still going to change.
That doesn't mean you're going to come back.
I just let the cold breeze roll in
along with autumn memories with you
and i still go on,
everyday,
as if you never existed.
I know, i should have known
better, the one person
i wanted, only wanted me
when he was drunk.
And i tried to stay
away,
but he was a drug to me.
He would never do this sober,
but when he was drunk
he would kiss me from my lips to my shoulders,
he would take me in his arms,
and he would feed this false sense of hope
into my heart,
and i knew it was all fake.
But i didn't care because i just
needed something to sedate.
Something to remind me
of what's it's like to feel
warmth,
even just for a second.
Because any other moment of the
day my blood ran cold,
and i feared that he might be the only
thing to heat me up.
Even though i tried so many times
to kick him out,
he always came back.
Like a disease.
Sometimes you meet a once
in a life time person,
and your paths will only
cross once,
like an eclipse.
But it will be the most
beautiful moment of your
life.
And the whole world will stop
and look in awe,
like the moon crossing
over the sun for just a quick moment.
They always asked,
"how do you stay so
calm through all this mess?"
and i close my eyes and shake
my head because there's storms
raging in my veins,
but i keep my calm
and bleed it out in poetry.
I am not the the night
i took comfort in another women's
idea of a home.
I will not be defined by the man
who only took what he wanted
and not what would make me
happy.
nor will i be defined by the man
who i let lay hands on me
and forgave home plenty of times
after.
I am the coffee shop i sit in
alone in the middle of the
afternoon to gain my piece
of mind.
I am the sunset i drive into,
alone, on weekday nights.
I'm made of the flowers i pick for
myself and put in a vase.
I'm not what these people think
of me to be.
I am so much more wrapped into
human skin.
And if they don't understand that,
they will never understand you.
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