We don't talk anymore,
Our words
have faded into silence,
Lost in the vast expanse
of unspoken thoughts

We used to share our
dreams and fears,
Whisper secrets
in each others ears.

But now,
the distance between
is vast,
And our conversations
never seem to last.

Once a symphony
of dialogue,
now a few syllables.
Drying up slowly,
our conversations
now reduce
to a few emojis.

The silence between us,
a painful unrest.
The weight
of unspoken words
heavy on our chests.
Once, our voices sang
in harmony,
A symphony
of laughter and promise,

But now, the melody
has grown quiet,
And I don't know
what to do
to be honest.

I could never sleep through the birds,
every morning it was the first thing I heard.
They would sing their chaotic songs,
greeting each other as the day moved along.
They took no notice of people walking and
cars didn't bother them, they just kept squawking.
I couldn't go back to sleep no matter how hard I try.
the birds had much to say and they wouldn't be denied.
First stop the balcony, to listen to the call to pray
it got to where without it I couldn't start my day.
Getting ready to go, shoes lined up neatly by the door,
because we didn't wear shoes inside on the floor.
Finally on to the Little Cafe for çay and pastry
I missed the food there, it was always so tasty.
I could drink çay (tea) until I floated away.
Just sit there and watch the cats as they played.
I spent 30 days in Istanbul Türkiye that year
with friends that I'll always hold dear.
I've fond memories of çay, the birds and the balcony
May Allah always continue to bless me.

It's 5AM
and I feel
nothing
at all
again.
my
thoughts
lost in
shadows
of what
could have
been.
Dreams,
like whispers,
all just
fade away,
I see
no colors
only shades
of gray.
Oh how
I long
to hear
her voice
soft
inside
my head
but am
deafened by
unwanted
silence
instead.
I struggle
against
my heart
hoping inside
I'll find
a little
fight,
a glimmer of
possibility
A chance
that things
will
someday be
alright.
So in the
silence
within this
vacant hour,
I find some
solace
in knowing
I still
have power.

I'm on the edge
so ready to fall forward
dump my body into the ocean
drowning yet not fighting
the currents motion.

Day to day life is chaotic
so many people who
push and pull me,
lie to me and fool me

I want to release it all
and jump off this carousel
living this way, as I do,
is hard as hell.

Inside I am broken
full of pain from youth
I feel I'm at a crossroad
where there's no left or right,
no honesty or truth.

The doctor says I am
just depressed is all
"Take two Zoloft and
if needed, in the morning,
give me a call."

I doubt a pill will cure me
when I no longer care to
reside in my own skin
I want to get away from
this dopamine hungry beast within

There's no more thrills
to be found
since she left me all alone
I'm a stranger in my own body
nothing feels like home.

People like me die all the time
what does it matter if I jump
or suffer to a ripe old age
the story is always the same
from page to page.

I wrote her
Happy words
Loving words
Jump on this
carousel
with me
No reply

Another try
I wrote her
Invitations
Affirmations
Please love me
No reply


She broke me
One more day
I wrote her
Still trying
to give her
the world
No reply

I'm crushed
My heart
lies in ruin
I wrote her
Again
Ink pleading
No reply

My inks run dry
My heart is full
yet broken in pieces
She doesn't see me
I wrote her
One final time
No reply

You loved me
You touched me
You inspired me
You hurt me
I bled ink for you
Drops on paper
Pain personified
Even so
I invited you in
My muse
And I would do it again

I always seem
to be on the edge
sharp blade,
shard of glass,
cliff's ledge.

There's no place
to grab on
no path or foothold
should I choose
to make any move,
to be so bold.

Edges
are an odd thing
one can
plummet wildly
or spread
your wings.

I close my eyes
and feel the choice
am I in danger?
am I overjoyed?
Hanging haphazardly?
Or delicately poised.

The amount of balance
is mine to determine
am I teetering on disaster?
or leaning forward to fly?
One things for certain
I won't know unless I try.

I am fragile
falling
and breaking
over and over
I reach out to
lovers
who have left
for another.
I feel
I'm drowning
emerged in
lost hopes
confused and
reciting old
and forgotten
tropes.
My trauma
is real
fostering
multiple
heartbreaks
often I feel
there's
not much more
I can take.
Inside I feel
pushed and pulled
she left me
in the night
once again a fool.
I wonder
if I'll ever
be what
someone needs
their true love
the only one
they want to
please.

We're different her and I.
I try to understand her
but cannot, no matter how
hard I try.

She is so beautiful
with long raven hair
she also is a perfectionist
which I suppose is neither
here nor there.

In school she was always
class president
the smartest kid &
to her parents truly
god sent.

She has a temper though
and she always thinks
she's right and wise
you will rarely see her
admit fault or apologize

I am a poet, and I'd say
she is a warrior
She's bold and cunning
she could easily have been
a lawyer.

She has a soft side
don't get me wrong
she has 2 children she adores
and she's raised them to
be strong

I love her but we probably
won't make it to the end
she doesn't understand
when I'm emotional
but still tries to be
my friend.

I'll miss her when she is gone
which inevitably she will
someday flee but I'll remember
her as steadfast, strong
and courageous as one could
ever be.

Today I'm 62
I'm cleaning house
because there's not
much else to do.
I come across a
rusted tin
pristine within
this old 8mm film.
It snaps and crackles
as it plays
reminding me
of other days.
This was me
different name,
different face,
running all around
the place.
I was the "In jun",
he was the "Cowboy",
that old 6 shooter
was his favorite toy.
It's hard to believe
that was ever me.
Where did I get
all that energy?

My anxious attachment
is a carnivorous beast
with sharp biting mind talk
eater of my relationships
it makes it's feast

I try to self sooth
to self regulate
But I can't get past
my doubts, inner monologues
and constant debates.

She says she loves me
And to trust her
I doubt every word she speaks
The status of our relationship
is beginning to look bleak

No matter how hard I try
I remain insecure
I can't stop self sabotaging
I create my own reality
Because I create my own causality

She said she's becoming overwhelmed
But I don't know what to do
To stop this mental *****
All the things I put her through

I don't know how to help myself
I need to end this strife
this constant need for dopamine
Is ruining my life

one step at a time
right, left, right
ignore the mind talk
keep moving forward
right, left, right
feel the pain
but don't
run back for more
right, left, right
your heart is breaking
she left it torn
no looking back
right, left, right
your tears may flow
you'll want her back
but remember her words
and how they hurt you
right, left, right
days will pass
yet time marches slowly
why does she call me?
don't call her!
right, left, right
doesn't she even miss me?
I missed her so much!
things might get better
with one more try
right, left, right
where am I?
you've moved on
forward movement
right, left, right

The Moon lights the path in the sand where
you walked. Water fills those footprints like
sand filled cups. I could drink from those sole
shaped sandy prints knowing you once stood and
created those indents.

I watch the waves dance against your legs
as your smile stretches as wide is the beach
I try to pull you to me like a life raft
But your beauty is too out of reach.

The water is crisp and cool to touch
As it caresses every grain of sand
You skirt swirls as you dance among the waves
it's clear that it's you the land craves.

You are the story I should write.
I've got pages and pages built up
inside.

I'd start Of course with "Once Upon a
time" I had a girl so very fine, who
I was proud to be able to call mine.

Of course there'd be a chapter with
multiple quips of how great it felt
to kiss your lips.  

I'd illustrate it with an atmosphere
of how it felt to hold you near,
or place my hand upon your thigh,
such a thrill one cannot hide.

With a plot that twisted and turned
the readers would see how my love was
soon spurned.

I'd end with how you said that you
loved me but you lied. Mention all the
times you made me feel so bad I wanted
to die.

On second thought, maybe the story is way
too trite so I'll just put down my pen and
call it a night.

She's so **** blunt
You could smoke her truth
she makes me long
For my unapologetic youth

Back in the days

before what I said
mattered so much
when I didn't care
if I said I love you
too much

Before I cared
what people thought
When my opinions
were my own
and couldn't be bought

Before I started slowing
down around each corner
When I was still a rebel
and not a joiner

Before I started giving
multiple *****
I relied solely
on my instinct and luck

Now I sit back
and watch her bravado
lighting her way
as she reminds me
of someone I knew
yesterday

You are my poetry
and every word I know.
I can write sonnets
about how your lips
speak to my soul,
and I always seem to
carry you inside me
wherever I go.

You are my poetry
lyrical caresses
in my mind.
word spoken
and unspoken,
both horrible
and kind.

You are my poetry
hearts and stars
behind my eyes.
loving you so deeply
took me by surprise.

You are my poetry
pentameters,
verbal description
in panoramic
caricatures.

You are my poetry
because words mean
everything.
you warm me
in the summer,
and renew me
in the spring.

You are my poetry.
loose leaf pages
in the wind.
our beginning,
and alas,
until our bitter end.

You are my poetry.
how more may I describe?
You feed me
and nurture me
and make me
feel alive.

It's winter now
the leaves have fallen
it's getting colder
the sun comes out
although a lot less bolder.

I walk outside
and I close my eyes
breathe in the smell
of the fireplace fires.

We barely had the turkey done
when the stores
hung their garland
saying Christmas had begun.

With a new year
just around the bend
I'm thinking of resolutions
like mini solutions
hoping to keep them
in the end.

You are golden sand
I try to hold you in my hand
but you slip away
through clasped fingers,
but after you go
the feeling always lingers.

You are warm sunshine
I feel you touch me
and warm me so
But night always comes
and you always go.

You are a raging river
Your currents run so deep
When I ride your waves
I feel the pulse of your flow
so intensely I could weep.

Your are a clock upon the wall
your hands tell the time
I want to stop
and live in this moment
making you forever mine.

I woke up.
You were there
I was here
But I felt you
My lips against
Your raven hair.

I woke up.
I laid in bed
All alone,
Thoughts of you
Permeate me
To the bone

I woke up.
My body aches
To feel your touch
There's no words
To say the way
I love you so much.

I woke up.
Knowing
I'd be there
With you soon
Just you and me
In your room.

I woke up.
Loving you
The way I do
Every day,
In every way,
Like I do.

We are at an impasse
There's nothing I can say
at this point I think you're
better off if I just go away

I tried to talk to you
Just to explain how I feel
I try my best to keep it real

But you don't hear me when
I tell you I'm sad and I miss you
You only see complaints being issued

I pour out my heart to you
but you say being depressed
Is something I choose to be
but I just miss you so much
can't you see??

So, I bite my tongue so hard
there's blood in my mouth
I don't know what to say anymore
But I need to let it out

I'm confused and I feel
like we're out of touch
Maybe I say I love you
way too ******* much.

You accused me of being
like a broken record
on repeat
over and over
with no retreat.

At this point
I know I should
probably just go away
because I make you miserable
when I stay.

But like a moth to a flame
you just keep drawing me back
I want to be near you
without all this flack.

It's funny
all you really had to say
was "I miss you too"
but you never did which makes me
so ******* blue.

Always it's you
Beneath my skin
Catching my breath
Detouring my mind
Even when I try to
Fight impulses I still
Give in to you
Happily because
I love you and not
Just your **** smile
Keeps me entranced
Lord no! There's much
More about you!
Nonstop wit and
Overflowing charm
Power wielded over me
Quickly disarming
Really any and all
Sense of personal
Trepidation my soul may
Undertake in a final
Valiant effort to try to
Weakly resist your
Xenial nurturing way
You still pull me in
Zapping my last bit of will

The city holds my heart
Where it sits so far away
at the crossroads of
the Black Sea and Marmara
on the Boğaziçi strait.

The city holds my heart
Buy a simit from the stand
riding the ferry all day
feeding the seagulls
from my hand.

The city holds my heart
The rhythm of the streets
the taxi and the delivery bikes
walking up and down the hills
matches the rhythm of my
heartbeat.

The city holds my heart
How the drivers honk by day
and by night, the meow of
the cats as they go their
merry way.

The city holds my heart
Waking up to the sound of
the squawking birds
telling me it's time to
awake and always demanding
to be heard.

The city holds my heart
My favorite place to be
with my eyes closed tight
listening to the Adhan
from the balcony.

The City holds my heart
The people hold such honor
I say to them “Elinize sağılık"
And bless the mothers
and the fathers.

The City holds my heart
The people on the street
The greatest to the least
the drunk man to the priest.
from North, South, West
and East.

The city holds my heart
The family I left behind
I love them, they're so kind
I pray that Allah always
Protects them until I can
return And once more make
the city mine.

They say a picture is worth
1000 words but it's a lie..
Your pictures are all
I have left now
that you're gone..

So from where I'm sitting,
no! From where I am  laying
injured like a deer on the side
of the road.

A picture isn't worth any words
unless that word is regret
written over and over,
and over and over....
God I miss you!!!