How can emptiness be so heavy?

I wanna write but my words are empty
I can’t breathe without not wanting too
I can’t sleep knowing who you’re next to
I can’t eat because my stomach won’t let me
I can’t scream because my lungs refuse
I can’t stand the sound of my own heartbeat
Is this normality?
To shake at the thought of leaving my home
To hate the feeling in a crowded room
Even if it’s the people you love the most
I’m only comfortable when I’m alone
I’m just trying to get by
But when there’s nothing to keep you breathing
No glue to stop you breaking
No **** can make you high
No alcohol can make you forget,

Nothing but what you remembered from the fall through December back again to in mid spring then your mind went to somewhere in July when the sun was high and together you soared above every and anything that you both saw, took every chance made every mistake but you did it so gloriously you made it painlessly and you survived with them by your side but now it’s gone
And you both know it went on for so long
But the thought that somewhat it went wrong still it haunts your head so full of now grief and sorrow but for the person you lost so quickly and it felt like less than a year but a entire lifetime because some part of you refuses to let you believe it was real, the aftermath of it all keeps you realising it was real it was a living nightmare
when they left
you remember how suddenly your nights got cold and your days short, the weeks started feeling like months and 5 days in to the month you felt it had already dragged about 7 years, but you kept going even though you’d lost yet another light, not even that but two
I somehow managed
Alone
Broken
Scared

But alive
I am alive

As you play with my fingertips
I am reminded
how easily I can lose you
just as much as
how easily I can have you

Lick the words
from my lips
let them slide down
your throat
like fruited jewels,
   dark, hard candies
   that melt into cream
a healing liquid  
oozing into my
               ventricles,
pumping milky beats
out through
           your cells
permeating the deep
of my wild
  
My syllables will
   wrap themselves
      around your syntax
frothy hybrids
of buttered silk
                and irony
heart-to-heart
conversations that
flow into the ether,
as heaven's night
endlessly begins

We twirl our tongues
into guttural utterings,
lustful verse
that glides from
slick-fervored ice
to an outpour
                    of lava
We feed each other
dreams
our saliva like honey
dripping with dawn's
tender glow
as we open up
like baby birds,
begging to be nourished
at all costs

Here,
in this lingual forest
Your breath finds a home
on my tastebuds,
my tongue
in your
          cheek
            
In between the tumults
of our
exploding oceans
This
     is how we
  love

I tried drugs for the first time tonight.
****.
I didn’t get high.
I also found out something.
I’m addicted to an addict.
And I love that.