if everyone could see inside your head
what embarrassing things would they find?

a school kid prank where your pants fell below your waist

or that time your card was declined

when you mispronounced organism in class

or choking on communion at church

mine would be that I still love my mom
despite everything

there’s a few things I carry
despite not having a need
tiny things hidden in my pack
but they don’t bother me

a fossilized shark tooth is my favorite
given to me by a child

next is four different lipsticks
all roughly the same shade

a rock shaped like a triangle
I found on the bay

two pairs of gloves
one brown, one black

a limited edition Dum-dum pop
picked up from my bank

a button from my jacket
I still need to fix

three pens
one black, two blue

still the most useless thing I carry
is my love for you

‘it could be worse’ is a foolish expression
it brings no peace of mind
it’s just dismisses my issues
makes me feel small inside
my pain and suffering is real
so please don’t undermine
i’d rather hear it could be better
or stay quiet this time

I, like any normal human
keep a list of future names
I started it when I was young
then it was Landon and Ashlynn
kids I knew from school
written in gel glitter pen
in bright pink hues

my list is sorted alphabetically
genders separated as well
it’s followed me from Lisa Frank diaries
to pdfs files
sometimes I add to it often
other times I leave it alone

my list is heavily masculine
I'm not quite sure why
I like boys named Max and Marlon
I like Oskar and Gale too
I have a thing for Old English names
like Arthur and Holden
just to name a few
my boyfriend prefers Ash or Astrid
I like those as well
but, my favorite name is Olin
with one or two L's

I discovered this name on a lost blanket
draped over a fence post by the bay
I'd call him Ollie for fun
Ollie Ollie Oxen free! We’d play
he'd have red hair and freckles
I’d knit him many things
I'd sing him to sleep at night
I'd bake him lots of treats
when he cries I'd hold him tight
whisper that everything is alright

tests continue to be ordered
blood, ultrasounds, and more
results are coming forward
I refuse to see the score
It’s the very thing I’m dreading
I worry that it’s true
seems this list is fruitless
seems I am too

being driven off a cliff isn’t too bad
other than the cold breeze
and that song that ended too soon
the butterflies even eventually fade
but man, let me tell you about the view
clouds danced with the horizon
the setting sun peaked through
Bob Ross would’ve envied my last adieu

sea gulls hovering
waves crashed over dunes
ocean mist floating freely
my head was stuck on stupid ****
bills unpaid
plants unwatered
I wondered what you’d assume

You'd search for something rational
Maybe a faulty barricade
or a curve that I hit too soon
positive I had been a little reckless
in fact those are partially true
I don’t know how to tell you
the real answer was you

falling over roots of past love
bumps permanently in route
covered by lichen
hidden nearly completely by time
run safely
dance lightly
for the roots are always underfoot
emerging even in the clearest of meadows
where brooks babble
fauna flock
flowers grow freely
a refuge from roots

even in this refuge
roots start to emerge
they see the brook with thirsty eyes
they long for one long sip
be careful
for when they spring up
fauna will panicked
flowers will refuse to bloom
dismantling your safe place
wanting to consume

don’t stand idle
for the roots will wrap you up
reclaim you as their own
leech water from your brook

safety is a desert
dark, dry, and dull
no brooks
no flowers
no fauna
no place for you at all