Well since none of my friends go on here anymore,
Boy, do I just want to kiss someone,
And I know I've said it before, but I want more
I want to be grabbed by someone and pulled in tight
And I want to kiss them, I want to be kissed by them
I want to kiss until I am too tired to do anything
Some deep pre teen desire pushing me further in
To this want for physical affection in the most
Intimate way

I cannot tell you what I do or how I feel anymore
I won't let myself be the root for pain or stress

I refuse to be the antagonist in your story
Better me to be an unmentioned character

I'm done with all of the angst,
I'm done hiding in dark corners
Sitting in a brew of unhappiness, simmering
I'm through with poems about being dead
Poems about the past, which is but a bump
In my bright future
I'm done having a boyfriend who I don't love
Who I tried to love, but once again, forced
I'm done feeling sick around certain people
(Even though I can't change the way my body responds)
I can't stand half the songs on my phone anymore
Because they force memories to the surface
And why the hell do I want to feel that?
I'm done being dark and twisty,
Done saying negative comments about my life
Done with cigarettes and done with substances
Created to make me feel happy,
When all they do is make me feel helplessly small
I'm done, I'm done, I'm done

"The truth is, that giddy butterfly in-love feeling? It goes away. And all that's left is friendship. You have to ask, is my lover my best friend, because in the end that's all that's left"

*******, a word to make me shutter
As my stomach churns like butter
I can move my hips just fine
But top, that is a different side
The only time I'm ******* is in my room
And even then I want to hide
No one should see what's under there
Maybe they don't, but I still care
When I wear bras with wires and hooks
It's all a show, it's just for looks
What's under there is something I despise
I wouldn't want that image in your mind
I have fantasies like everyone else
But I remain with a top on,
So I won't shutter at myself

On the outside I look sick
My lips are pale my eyes sunken in
My hair tangled, face grey
I stand frowning, still,
Breathing slowly, silently

On the inside I press against the walls
I beat the ground, and I sob
I shake with sobs,
And I fall on the floor
Crying help me  help me

*I just want to feel right again

It washed over me like a giant wave,
Engulfing me, and choking me,
And forcing me to open my eyes

I feel as though my drive to write
About my feelings has been exhausted
Everything I feel has already been said
It's the same old thing in repeat

I'll give up being able to control my thoughts
I never like them anyways

Sitting on a rock, sweatpants and sneakers
Long hair, skinny, looking out, wind blows
Fir tree needles scratch the back of my neck,
Eyes locked on to a pod of whales, orcas
Breathing fast because I ran to get there
Close my eyes and let the wind toss my hair,
It's cold, and the air smells like lavender
And I pull my knees to my chest, smiling

Sometimes it's not your fault
Sometimes you did all you could
And all I can say is
*Never again

She's everything I'm not
She's tall (*** look how tall)
She's tan and long hair
In the words of my Granny
She has perfect lips
Isn't she the nicest human
"the prettiest girl at the dinner table"
I guess she got every good gene
And I got every bad one

We text
We text on our phones all the time
In fact, we have a group message
And we all just share useless words
It's all **** anyways, isn't it?
You know whatever you text
Isn't going to be listened to.
People will see it. People will read it.
But people won't listen to it
We're all selfish when texting
Mostly
So when you rant about your problems
And people ask if you're okay
And you say yeah but I'm okay now
You're just ******* avoiding texting
A long paragraph on how things really are
Because, it's so long, and who would really read every word as if it were pouring out of your bleeding heart right?
You text your friends and that's the problem
Your friends say something funny
And you reply "****"
But they can't really hear your snorting laughter behind a screen
They can't see your smile, or your anger
Emotions are lost in translation,
And it's just like when you text about your feelings, they won't see the tears either, will they?

Eating goldfish when watching movies
When my dad says he's proud of me
When I get reassuring hugs from friends
When I have a laughter filled day
Late night conversations, and cute snapchats
Racing and beating the boys in PE
Looks flashed from down the halls
When we sing and she plays guitar at lunch
Goosebumps from listening to a song
The thought of fall approaching

I'm too flaky
I'm too competitive
I'm too forgiving
I'm too self deprecating
I'm too bent in the past
And too focused on the future
I'm too uncommitted
I'm too scared, worried, nervous
I'm not worth your time
Not with so many "too's"

I don't want people to think I'm being selfish
I feel like I don't have much left
Almost all of my willpower is gone
I just want to be free I just want to be happy
I just want to stop feeling like I'm dragging a huge thousand pound weight behind me
Even breathing feels weighted
Everything feels heavy and I feel sick
I'm scared I'll always be like this
How could I live if I was?
And do I want to find out?
What is the point?
My hope, my drive, my passion has fizzled out
And all that's left is me
What if it never works out?
What if I'm never free in this world?
The only holding me back for now
Is the thought that people will call me selfish
For taking my own life
And the last thing is want to be remembered by is that word.

Dandelion traces are in your hair
And sun rays etched into your soul
Shine through the imperfections
And make you even more beautiful

If I had a penny and a wishing well
I could do anything, save me from hell
Change my looks, get a better view
But I know I'd give my wish for you
I'd wish you were free from the chains
Wish somehow, it would erase the pain
Wish your depression was gone forever
The ropes holding you back, we're severed
The scars on your wrists fade away
You would feel happily loved *everyday

The title of a predetermined holiday
Won't magically change things
*It's up to me, you, us to do that

I don't know whether to say I don't feel like myself
Or if I should accept this is as my new self

"When I was a kid, I would get these headaches, and I went to the doctor, and they said that I needed glasses. I get the glasses, and I put them on, and I'm in the car on the way home, and suddenly I yell. Because the big green blobs that I had been staring at my whole life, they weren't big green blobs. They were leaves on trees. And I didn’t even know I was missing the leaves. I didn't even know that leaves existed, and then...leaves! You, you are my glasses. You showed me something I didn't know existed. You are my glasses."

What do you do when you look awfully cute in that dress
But that hoodie and that short hair looks amazing too

I can't tell you how tired I am of people trying to control my relationships with other people
Trying to tell me who not to date who to date, getting mad at me for choosing one way or another
I am not your daughter
I am not dating you
So why can't you just be happy that I am freaking happy?

I'm tired of the damage
I'm tired of the sorrow
Let's bring out the happy
Let's do it tomorrow

Waking in the cool sand.
Tide coming in.
Moonlight and emptiness.
No not emptiness.
Life is everywhere you just can't see it
Sharks are feeding.
Stars are burning
Fish are hiding.
Waves crashing on the shore.
I Lay alone. My friends are somewhere else
I lay in the cool, powdery sand.
Soft and caressing.
I look at the stars and sing amazing grace softly
Without notice my eyes tear up.
I think of Pepaw.
God took you this Easter.
I think if what you stood for.
I think of Jesus.
More tears.
I think of my faults. My sins.
I realize I am strong.
Independent. Though I yearn for love I can wait.
I Can be happy with my flaws and body.
No more insecurities.
I never felt so free.
I am a changed person.
And soon everyone will See.

It's like something set me on fire again
Expect this time it's not about burning
It's not even about the heat
It's about the light that's shining out of me

I miss a lot of things about childhood
I miss the imagination of it all
I miss the stuffed animals and the outdoors
And the carefree feeling
Of not worrying about responsibility
I miss the other kids too
But I think what I miss most of all
Was the innocence of the mind and heart
No weight on my shoulders,
Just purity and smiles
No innuendos, ***** jokes, cuss words
Take all that away and only the
Giggles and smiles remained

Is there a soul out there,
Who doesn't need *** from a girl,
And would be okay with playing
scrabble on our honeymoon

That monent when you want to cuddle
But when you reach there's no one there
Because we all have that struggle
To find someone that truly cares
Because if anyone would just jump in
Maybe take a chance
More than a spark would be ignited
To create a soft romance
And that empty hole inside you
Would slowly begin to fill
As you and that person, hand in hand
Repair eachother by will

It's like we are climbing a wall
that we won't get to the top off,
but we keep climbing it
because we strive to make it to the top, and the thrill of the climb
makes it that much more exciting

And throughout this time alone
As I watched Chronicles of Narnia
And blasted the weirdest music
I realized I was just filling in the silence
How much more wonderful
Would it be to have someone else
To fill it in for me?

It's everything that you would imagine it would be
Accents, good food, pasta, stone streets, small towns
Warm sunny days and dark cool nights
Warm smiles from small old men driving tiny yellow cars
Candles, and wine, homemade soap, family shops
Mustaches, tan skin, brown hair, and cigars
And me, running to meet every street cat at every corner

Christmas trees
Old air conditioners
Musky airports
Nanna's house
Ski lodge's wood
Appalachian lavender
Lighting matches

I was thousands of feet in the air
Soaring over an ocean
Controlling my entire fate
With a simple motion I determined
What happened
And I've never felt more alive

A blabber mouth
Crazy stupid loud girl
A bossy commanding dominant girl
A long-haired skinny silly girl
Scraggly, *****, pretty girl
Wild like an animal
Big eyes, short, weird smile
A girl who truly truly
Didn't care what others thought
A dancing on the tables girl
A muddy, smelly, adventurous girl
Silly young innocent girl
Where are you now?

I had a goal, something to get
But now, I see how impossible
It was for me to strive for that
And with that sudden realization
Maybe it's time I get a new one

He told me I could be a model
Out of the blue

It's a feeling that spread across my whole body down from my gut to my fingers
Leaving me feeling horribly violated
And badly shaken
And I can't control it

Everything just slowed down
I am feeling strangely numb again

All day, feeling like ****
Is he ever going to quit,
Faking a laugh
Faking a smile,
For me to be happy?
It might take awhile

I had a deep conversation today
I had a deep conversation today in a hot tub
The steam muffled my voice a bit
But my voice still bounced off the wooden walls
My voice cracked and choked but not because of the chlorine mist
My eyes began too fill with tears hotter than the water I sat floating in
I asked out loud I’m not crazy right?
No my voice quivered in response
I was glad there was no one else in the room to hear it too.
At least I’m a good listener

What will I even do in the future
What is the point of anything
If I feel like this?

You'll see
You will all see.

All this time I was merely a bud
Thinking I was a flower
But now I look in the reflection
In the river, and I am in full bloom

That's it
I'm surrendering
I'm letting go
Someone better
Catch me

Howling with sorrow,
I stood emotionless at the bedside
Unable to lend a comforting hand,
Unable to deny the accusations,
Unable to pretend it wasn't true.

I used to see fire in her eyes
Now they hold nothing, defeat
He drags her everywhere
He takes her phone away
He treats her like a child
Therefore she's been trapped
And remains so for us

It's 11:23 I'm barely awake
I'm going to write what comes to my mind
Brainstorming is easy
I need a hand to hold
Please someone come watch
Adventure time with me
I know my mom doesn't like me
I wonder if my parents truly think I'm ugly?
Tears are coming out if my eyes
Is crying a normality now?
My head hurts from math
Spooning is also fun
How am I datable?
Oh wait I'm not
Why am I not?
Because I made myself not able to be
Can I make myself datable again?
I think I should learn to love myself
Before I let others love me
I want to get drunk
And do fun ****
**** I used to do last year
Im sleepy

We fill the air with useless words
Filling the empty space,
Minds and hearts yearning to fill the void themselves