I'm truly afraid
I'll never feel at home anywhere

I couldn't see you
You were forbidden to see us
But every chance we got
We latched on and cried

Dear friends,
I fear that is site is a catalyst
Of negativite emotions
And I fear as of now
It brings out the worst in me
I also fear it distracts me
From the most important things
Going on right in front of me
So I think I am going to take a break
For a while,
And I wish you all the best of luck

All the one direction songs
All of these stories
They are, in essence,
What I want the
Story of my life
To sound like

Tell me,
Do  you ever regret not following through with your own death
Do you ever wish you'd thrown your phone into the river
And let yourself slip away on the cool wet concrete

Because sometimes
Sometimes


I do.

I haven't turned down a dare
Except for this one,
You're daring me to kiss you
But I won't, I refuse
Time for a truth instead

Baby I 'm never leaving if you keep holding me this way

There comes a moment when you want to write about something so beautiful
That it refuses to be transcribed into ink, and you're stuck with only memory

I am usually happy
Ready to spread smiles,
Make someone laugh,
Calm someone down
But sometimes I fake it
And pretend I'm okay
When really a combination
Of stress, father, and self hate
Mix to make me different.
To look in a mirror and wince
Dread going home
And sweat over grades
And when I get that upset..
I do things I regret

I text my mom asking her if I should go in there and tear him apart with words so truthful it'd leave him speechless
And then she says no, and I realize she's right
I'd be too scared of what he'd do to me afterwards.

More tortuous than anything is the human heart,
beyond remedy; who can understand it?*
"The heart always wants what is good of course,
But sometimes we do not know what is good,
Only that our heart wants it, and it ends up
Not being what God wanted for us,
Or what was good for us, and it causes the most pain
The human heart is truly a mystery" ~Mr Reed

She smokes cigarettes outside in the dark
She likes the way it feels knowing the smoke is deadly
Her pale face and sunken grey eyes, drug induced state
She doesn't try anymore, and
Her hoodie isn't thick enough to warm her skin,
Growing ever colder

Kisses don't scare me anymore
Even though they seem gross
I think I could tolerate the feeling
Of lips on lips, for a second
Wait not for a second.
*for minutes

Tic tac toe, you're fitting into place
And now the old ways don't seem true
Stick stop blue you're only shifting
In the same old shape you always do

I'm paper thin now
Only short flashes
In the car when I drive
Only when certain songs
Come on the radio
Only at certain times of day
I'm paper thin now

My eyes sting as they sit glued to the screen of my phone and my thumbs robotically type out this poem

I need something real. Something tangible.

So many wars against so many religions
So much hate because we don't believe the exact same thing.
People put so much faith into their religions,
they sometimes forget about what their religions about.
I do not like the idea of religions very much
If your a Christian and you believe in God,
Why have so many religions just cause
Someone does one minor thing different
I looked into it, and the differences between us is so small
Let me answer a question.
Yes, other Christians believe in Jesus too!
Guess what? they also go to communion,
get baptized (shocker) and pray!
Why can't we have a church called Church.
Where everyone could worship God however.
So theres no more discrimination because of religion.
Because i don't put my faith in religion,
I put it in Jesus Christ.
Amen.

How many times
Will you knock down
The pitiful wall
Of self esteem that
Took so long to build
And how many times
Will this pillow
Soak my tears because
Of my own father

I would like to sincerely apologize to everyone for being a disappointment

who knows why i came back to this site
maybe its because my source of communication sits dead in the muddy waters in that cold lake
and without a soul to talk to, i write myself:
Dear Me:
i know you're trying, so don't worry about that. i know you are a happy person and you just long every ******* day to let go of this sadness that creeps in at the worst of times. i know you don't like having to always be fidgeting, how you always bounce you're feet during church or class.  i know you love God, and i know you are trying. Dear, just be still. stop worrying, stop fidgeting, stop remembering. look at what you've accomplished, and smile. you've done so much and you have so much more to give. let it go. and if you can't let it go, and when your strength is gone and your hopes fall low. remember I love you, God loves you, and you were beautifully made. goodnight. xoxo

Everyone has something that haunts them
Some have multiple things
Hovering over like a rain cloud
For me?
It's when I walk by the buildings
And see my reflection in the glass
When I grab my iPad
And quickly turn it on so as not to see
The person looking back
I want to have self confidence
But it's hard when my reflection plagues
My mind with the most unkind words

Nine year old didn't know about the word popular
Ten year old was climbing trees and breaking limbs
Eleven year old wasn't thinking about her sexuality
Twelve year old had magical, adventurous whims
Thirteen was introverted, awkward, but confident
Fourteen was extroverted, but began her downfall
Fifteen was self destructive, confused, and anxiety
What will sixteen bring? Will she continue down?
Or is this the point when she turns it around

Popping pills is not my thing
Let me rephrase that
Popping pills can't be my thing

She doesn't know I know
She doesn't know what I do
She doesn't know how it is

When more than one person calls you unattractive
And all in a matter of only two days
It really does stuff to you

Me, well I've never had that
But I'll tell you it sure does
Get confusing sometimes

She, in three weeks, has had 3 different guys
(Yeah I'm happy for her)
But each time she tells me about the new guy the deep hollow pit inside my stomach gets a little deeper, a little more empty
It seems like everyone has someone pining for them
Well that is except for me
I don't mean to ***** and complain and wallow in self pity
But this has been inside of me and I guess I need an outlet
It's like a punch in the face when I'm with friends and then we take a picture and everyone seems to look 17
Except for me
It hurts when people ask if I'm what 13 or maybe 14?
I mean I didn't realize how premature I am until now
And I can't tell you how much I hate it
I hate having to wear make up to look a year older, and even then I only look like a freshman
I despise bathing suits
I detest clothing that tightly fits because it is supposed to accentuate natural feminine curves
But I have none so what's the ******* point besides making it even more obvious I don't have them
It hurts not being able to shop for bras
And ******* like ******* it hurts when your best friend tells you "aw it's okay one day"
Because it sounds like my mom saying I can't ride in the front seat of the car
It's belittling
And I already feel little enough
It hurts looking at bras and **** online because none fit you
The worst part of all is probably all the "one day you'll grow sweetie"
That only makes it even more of a reality
So I guess the best idea is to **** in that part of myself I hate and not share that often or else I get those comments that hurt more
so I'll keep holding **** in because that's what I'm good at
And we can all pretend I didn't go ***** off like this

I have the potential to be beautiful

I used to like fishing
It was such a joy to catch a fish
And boy were they good to eat
Fried fish fresh caught
Right outta our bayou!
But today... I got a different look
Today a baby swallowed my hook
The metal device stuck inside
I saw te terror in his eyes
Twitching awfully, worm still attached
Flicking it's fin's, trying to breathe
The gills forced painfully open
Trying to breathe even if it meant
Forcing the hook deeper into an *****
Body occasionally spasming,
While I frantically look for pliars
Pliars to work out the hook
But of course I couldn't find any
I squeezed two finger nails
Into it's dime shaped throat
And pulled on the hook
I couldn't wiggle it out.
So I did the only thing left
I cut the line
It had been 5 minutes
I knew it was too late
The baby fish was limp now,
I still slid him into the water
He floated on his side to the surface
His gills twitched open,
Trying desperately to breathe
Soon the small gill twitches got sparse
And the baby's eyes turned foggy
I sat there, helpless, as I knew
I just took a life away from this world
It was ****** in my eyes,
And all the torture the baby endured
The pain, only to get a slim snack
The deaths for most of the fish,
Are too slow and tortuous..
I do not fish anymore...

Only in my day dreams do things unravel perfectly
Morning run rays, dust in the air, quilts bundled up
Good morning baby and I smile, I love hearing baby
My hand is clasped gently in another's, leading me
Breakfast, eggs sunny side up, hot tea and tomatoes
The rest of the day looks much brighter now

You're scaring her
That glint in your eye
The way your mouth curves
The shaking with rage
You're scaring her
Not because she's afraid
That you'll hurt her physically
But even worse
How dare you call her pretty
How dare you say
You are justified
You're scaring her
And this time her mother
She doesn't care
Her mother has come to
Dislike her just as much as you
You're scaring her
And now she suffers physically
Her head is pounding
Eyes are burning dry
You are scaring her
Yet you know. Yet you don't care.

Heart racing
Eyes searching
Yours
Palms sweat
Legs weak
Faith testing
Yours

I realized I don't need this life changing event
But I don't want this solitude and silence either
I simply want to share a peaceful adventure with someone else

I want to be happy,
I am sometimes happy
I am happy when I'm outside,
I am happy when I'm watching bobs burgers
I am happy when I am listening to my music
but I haven't been myself lately
I haven't smiled genuinely much
I wear sweatshirts during hot weather,
And feel extremely uncomfortable without one
All the traumatic experiences are coming back
I feel like my parents are treating me different
Even though my dad hasn't,
I feel as if he's teetering on insanity,
but maybe I'm the one teetering
I feel like I'm scraping by in school,
I can't see my future anymore
But I still want to be cheerful and perky?
What's wrong with me?

So many people have lost their basic joy
There's this gloom that is the reset emotion

The feeling of gritty dirt between your toes and under your finger nails
The sound of pine needles falling on the rain guard of your tent
I walk outside and the cool crisp morning air stings my nostrils
Nothing could wake me up better than the smell of wood smoke on a cold morning

It's early, so the sun hasn't touched the earth, and the sky is still soft
It's a deep blue, but not dark enough to be night, and you can see bright corners
Stretching from the east, but the towering trees make it hard to see
I slip a packet of tea into a mug of hot water and sit next to the fire

I stare at the pair of muddy hiking boots sitting next to a tall mountain pine
Where should I go today? What places shall I find?

Jump
Don't jump
Jump
Don't jump
Jump
Don't jump

Don't jump

I fantasize about death like she fantasizes about life

There's a point when the welfare of others begins to take its toll on you
When the wellbeing of someone is more important than yourself

You have to love yourself enough to stop
You have to love yourself enough to say no
You have to love yourself enough to realize
It was hurting you, and the whole time it wasn't okay
You have to love yourself enough to move on

The water laps against my waist
Deep in the water, eyes squint
Heat radiating off skin, and quiet

My childhood obsession
Posters littered my walls
I even had your eyebrows
Marked upon my face
What a man for an amazing
Character

"I love each and every one of yall immensely, and though I'll be gone you all will live forever in my heart"

Today a girl I knew was shot to death
Today another child died of starvation
Today another baby was aborted
Today a girl became anorexic
Today a boy was beaten by his parents
Today a teen took their life
Tomorrow their will be no violence
Tomorrow their will be no more judging
Tomorrow physical appearance doesn't matter
Tomorrow parents accept their children
Tomorrow...
But tomorrow never comes, it'll always be today.

You somehow thought that you could use our friendship,
Our friendship I had given a lot up for,
To tell others, in essence, how I was wrapped around your finger
And if you like the feeling of someone following you around
I would suggest buying a puppy

You are the one person who has been a constant
I see the open bible, marked from head to toe
On your skin, the verses alive inside if your heart
Positivity seeps from you're pores, gleaming
And I've never met someone who genuinely listens
I've never met someone who is funny,
Without using these ****** jokes, these negative words
You've never cursed in your life, you remain pure
You don't sink low as to talk about others,
You're faith is deep rooted, and no wind can shake you
Yet your eyes are soft, easy to lock in and feel at home
Every time I'm with you, I feel my spirit lifted,
I feel myself become the very best I could ever be
My role model, I strive everyday to be more like you

Suicide jokes aren't funny anymore.

I am so ******* happy
And I feel like there is a reason
Something I should realize
But I'm too oblivious
To notice anything anymore

You know, by law, that is psychological ****** abuse right?
I know
You know that is a form of child abuse right?
*I know